The Yorkshire Evening Post
30 January 2012
Leeds vicar’s lessons in love
More couples will have been talking divorce this month than at any other time of the year. As stormy January comes to an end, Juliette Baines talks to a vicar who is helping couples stay in love.
Reverend David Newton knows more about true love than most, with 30 years of experience joining couples in holy matrimony and 32 years of marriage to wife Ruth.
And now the father-of-two is putting his knowledge to good use by setting up a ‘Staying in Love’ course.
David, of Gildersome Baptist Church, has organised five one-hour sessions where couples who have been married for more than 50 years can dish out top tips and advice to newlyweds and those hoping to tie the knot.
David, 55, said: “All of us believe that it is possible for two people to be together and in love for the whole of our lives.
“But we know how hard it can be.
“In this course we can help people turn that dream into reality.
“People often say you have got to work at a marriage but no one actually says what that involves and how to do it.”
Hilary May and husband Graham, who have been married for over 50 years, spoke to 14 couples at the first session on Sunday, January 22.
When asked for advice, Mrs May said: “Marry the right person and pray about everything.”
Husband Graham said: “Agree with everything your wife says.”
David added: “It was terrific. Various couples said how helpful it was and I’m really excited for the other sessions now.
“It’s open to everyone so the more the merrier.”
The sessions include discussions about maintaining a loving relationship and overcoming difficulties and also refer to relevant research and the Bible.
It’s not all classroom-led though and couples will have homework to do.
Partners will be asked to write a list of things they like about their other half and add one thing to that list every day.
The exercise aims to get couples to focus on the positive rather than on any difficulties they may be having.
They will also be given exercises in how to listen to each other.
Two sessions have already been held but couples are welcome to attend the next three, which are being held at the 100-seater church on Sundays at 10.45am.
The idea for the course came about after a solicitor friend of David’s mentioned he’d seen a big rise in January divorces.
David said: “Over Christmas couples have arguments and fall-outs and it’s common for them to say ‘we can’t go on like this any more’ and go to the solicitors to ask about divorce.
“So it seemed the appropriate time to say something positive that could help them.
“Nowadays so many people split up and start thinking it’s not possible to live happily ever after but it’s useful to know that there are people who have stuck together for 30 odd years and those are the people to ask for advice instead of going to your friends who might not have the same experience.”
David knows from experience how relationships work. He has been married to wife Ruth for more than 30 years and has two daughters – Grace Cauldwell, 28 and Carol, 29.
He said: “One of the pieces of advice that several people have given is find the right person in the first place and I am very fortunate that my wife found me and she really is that person for me.”
David has also had training in counselling and has a masters degree in adult learning.
He is also the brains behind www.hundredpound wedding.com, which was launched last year and helps couples get hitched on a shoestring budget.
He said: “When you minister through the years, you deal with all sorts of people in all sorts of situations and I have seen a lot of heartache.
“Every marriage is unique.
“Misunder-standing each other is the biggest problem.
“There’s a difference in the way men and women are wired up and it’s important to communicate.
“Most times couples that are having difficulties can be helped through it but there are some times when you have to say it’s best to walk away.
“No matter how good your relationship is it can always be better and you need the tools to help you through those rocky moments, particularly early on in the marriage.”
He added: “In the Bible it says love one another and it is a verb – it is something we do.
“When relationships are struggling it’s important to show someone and act it in a loving way.
“I want people to take some memorable advice so that they can build a relationship with strong foundations.
“The church is always there so they can come back if they need a top-up or help in a certain area – it’s a permanent resource.”
One of the country’s best-known divorce lawyers, Marilyn Stowe, has been married for 30 years.
The Leeds-born solicitor said she had seen a rise in ‘silver divorces’, or people over the age of 50 getting divorced.
She said: “I would very much support Reverend David because anything that encourages couples to keep going is to be welcomed. It might make people stop and think.
“There are only 100,000 divorces in the country every year. Put that into context in a population of 66m and divorce is not quite as big a problem as people think it is.
“I do agree that Christmas is an incredibly stressful time and January is when the credit card bills come in and people have taxes to pay and there is a huge financial burden on couples.”
When asked for her advice, Marilyn said: “Always have a sense of humour.”
The free one-hour courses will be held every Sunday at 10.45am until Sunday, February 19 at Gildersome Baptist Church, Sunrise Court and childcare is provided.