Coping - Jan 02, 2006

by Marilyn Stowe

As divorce lawyers, we do know how traumatic marital breakdown actually is. Those who work in GSB’s family law unit, have years of experience working with divorcing couples and its a funny thing, but whilst people may look different and lead different lives, underneath you find that they are all exactly the same.

They have the same fears, the same worries, the same emotions and… the same problems.

With experience, its not too difficult to forecast what a particular client is going to tell you before they begin to speak! It becomes quite easy to distinguish a person who wants out of a marriage from one who doesnt - even before being told. It is easy to spot when a third party is involved. Or when someone is not quite telling you everything. A common comment is “you won’t have come across this before” – and you have, hundreds of times. Or, “you won’t ever have come across someone as difficult as my spouse before” – and of course you have.

People divorce for many reasons, but for the vast majority, there is usually a giant red flag flying over the marriage, signaling an extra marital affair.

I've found over the years, a person who decides to leave the marriage for someone else, would rather be burned alive hung drawn and quartered than admit it to the spouse they are leaving behind. Why? There are obvious (to all except the other spouse) reasons for this. Fear of the spouse’s reaction and consequences for the marriage, self protection, protection of the other person involved, usually lumped together as "being kind to my wife/husband - letting him or her down gently" when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. It is the cruellest thing to do.

Faced with a spouse acting completely out of character and then mysteriously leaving, often to no given address and usually "only for time to think I just need a break its all getting on top of me ", the spouse left behind is in shock, traumatised, filled with anxiety, guilt, worry and concern but nevertheless desperately hopeful this is only a temporary situation and his or her spouse will soon come to their senses. They will go out of their way not to distress further the spouse who has left, to please the person concerned, to do their best to put things right, never seriously believing and accepting for one moment, that a decision may have been made months ago in which they played no part, that their marriage is over!!! and worse still... they knew nothing about it.

When realisation slowly begins to dawn, hope still doesnt fade, because people at this stage go into denial.

Perhaps their partner is ill, perhaps it’s a kind of "menopause" or due to pressure of work. Anything but the glaringly obvious. Their spouse just doesnt want them any more. If they did, their partner would still be at home.

And so, many months are wasted thinking about how, why, when, what, if , maybe. ...etc etc. Depression can and often does ensue, as may weight gain/loss. Whilst the spouse who has ended the marriage has known (more or less,) exactly what he or she is doing and why- taking (usually secret) but positive steps with money, rehousing, planning for a new future including even remarriage,or a new family, the one left behind has no such knowledge or certainty and is left in heartbreaking limbo.

Sometimes the truth dawns through a conversation with me or a member of my unit. It’s a tough conversation to have with a client who at that stage is a stranger, but it is imperative for the well being of the client, that they are removed from the state of denial which is causing them so much mental and physical anguish.

It’s the first step to a new life, but believe me, very, very hard to do. However, once a client starts to face the truth and when the truth finally does emerge (usually through "a concerned friend" or a mobile phone bill, a text message, but not usually as a result of a face to face conversation) the "wronged" spouse is then left to grapple with even more feelings of sheer stupidity for being so gullible, shock, disbelief, anger, self pity caused by the deceit and lack of respect.

Ultimately, possibly after a course of medication and/or counselling, there will be acceptance and dealing with the pain, which will gradually fade -although this may take two years and certainly I would expect a rough year after finding out.
As far as experienced lawyers are concerned, this situation, which is so common and stands out a mile to us, makes our job as lawyers substantially more difficult.

There will be increased problems caused by a lack of trust once the truth is out. This means more problems in resolving matters “amicably” as is expected.

Clients or the opponent spouse may act completely irrationally out of obstinacy, or guilt or a desire to be "proved right" and this increases legal costs. There will probably be difficulties about the children, particularly bringing the children into contact with the third party, who will be villified out of sight to the children, by the "wronged" spouse.

There may have been much wrong in the marriage and the spouse having the affair may have had too much to put up with - or at least that is one perception. It will all be dragged up. The pain, anger, irrational reactions, the loss of confidence, the loss of self respect - all of it could have, if not been avoided, substantially minimised.

So if you are reading this, and thinking about leaving your spouse pay your spouse the enormous compliment of maintaining their self respect and aiding recovery by TELLING THE TRUTH.

It will be very painful, and you will have to be very brave, of that there is no doubt. However, it will pay massive dividends in the long run. And time is on everyone's side.

But what if it’s your spouse who has gone? You don’t know why they have gone. You haven’t talked it through.You refuse to believe it is happening to you. You can’t stop texting your spouse, especially after alcohol. You wait endlessly for a call which doesnt come. When you call, you dont mean it, but you are abusive and things become even worse. You rage and then you stop. The nightmare continues and hope and despair intermingle non-stop even though its clear there is no way back and lawyers are involved.

How DO you cope emotionally?

I think the key is that you need to get your self respect and confidence back. This mean accepting the change in your partner’s feelings as quickly as possible- although quickly might mean months - and stop wasting valuable energy mourning a relationship that ended long before you knew. It’s hard, especially when your spouse won’t discuss it and leaves you to your lonely thoughts. However, remember, the longer it takes, the more you think about it, you are the only sufferer. Worry only affects the worrier.

Instead, keep telling yourself that your partner/spouse would be with you if they wanted, they’d be calling you, they’d be seeing you, they’d be loving you and be with you, if they wanted – but they aren’t ;- so accept it, things have changed for them and you too have no choice, you too must move on. Stop making excuses for a dead-end relationship, stop pining for what is gone and deal with things as they are, not how you would like them to be.

Once you understand, that people change, you will be able to make progress.

At the same time, leave your legal issues to us. We will help all we can, to help YOU make a new life.

<< back