The breaking down of a relationship

THE breakdown of any relationship can be a devastating blow. You may have seen it coming or it may come as a complete shock but, either way, your ability to function as a person is affected, through anger or jealousy; panic or uncertainty about what the future holds or simply an inability to let go of the past.

The complex mix of emotions is one of the most difficult and important issues for a lawyer to address when representing a client in a divorce or relationship breakdown.

The skills that a family lawyer brings to the table to resolve these difficulties must include sufficient understanding and empathy so that the client feels that they have a lawyer who is on their side, but they also need a lawyer who has the confidence and commercial awareness to help the client make important decisions about their future and the future of their family.

Until recently, the usual course of resolving family disputes involved what could be a haphazard route of attempting to reach agreement through an exchange of long and sometimes complex letters, each arguing for a particular outcome.

If agreement could not be reached, because each party started from a position where they were poles apart and could not find sufficient common ground to come to an agreement, a judge at court would be asked to make the decision for the parties. That litigation route was itself riddled with uncertainty, and could be both costly and time consuming.

Over the last few years, however, a new way of resolving matters has emerged: Collaborative Law.

It involves the parties and their lawyers meeting round a table, talking to each other face to face, discussing what the important issues actually are, for example should the house be sold; how should the proceeds of sale be divided; where will the children live and on what days; what the various options for resolving those issues might be, and finally trying to agree a fair outcome for both parties.

Collaborative Law cuts down the volume of correspondence and talking to each other face to face minimises misunderstanding and the risk of escalating arguments.

Collaborative Law also allows a more holistic approach to be taken towards a family breakdown by introducing other specialists such as counsellors and other medical professionals to help the parties cope with the emotional side-effects and financial advisers who are specially trained to give impartial practical advice on how best to divide investments and pensions or to advise on the costs of borrowing for future mortgages.

All of this is done in an atmosphere of co-operation. Sounds ideal, doesn’t it? Of course, nobody is perfect and it is not easy to switch off your emotions.

A collaborative approach is not intended to be an easy option. In some ways it is far more difficult to talk face to face in a constructive way while trying to avoid recrimination and blame.

The lawyers, however, are not present simply to hold your hand but to give support, and to involve themselves in the process not with the desire to win or to get the best outcome for their client but look at the case with a balanced perspective.

There is no such thing as an easy or a nice divorce.

It takes time and patience to disentangle what was once a loving relationship which has now gone wrong but with Collaborative Law, as family lawyers, we hope that we can give you a different arena (and not a battleground) to enable you to achieve closure with dignity.

Julian Hawkhead is head of the Domestic Family Law Department of Grahame Stowe Bateson. Contact him at the company’s offices at the Old Court House, Raglan Street, Harrogate, or call 01423 532600.