Effects of divorce on children

Change is unsettling, and divorce can make children feel unloved, lonely and guilty. This confusing mix of emotions is difficult for children to deal with on their own.

As such, how you talk to your children about divorce is vital. Sit your child down for a talk with both parents present. Keep animosity to a minimum and explain what’s happening and why.

Remember that your children don’t need to know all the details about your divorce. Talk with your child about how the divorce affects them, not about what your partner may have done or the specific disagreements you may have had.

The most important message that you can give your child is that you still love them and will still be there for them no matter what happens. Some children may feel it is their fault you are splitting up or fear that they will stop having a relationship with one parent or with both – make sure you reassure these are not the case.

You can also provide reassurance with actions and not just words. Be civil, put a parenting plan in place and stick to it. If family decisions need to be made, try and make them together. This will further reassure your child.

Divorce and separation are painful. You will have to battle fear, anger, sadness and perhaps even despair. There is no way to avoid these negative feelings.

That being said, remember that divorce and separation are adult solutions to adult issues. Children of divorce do not and cannot understand these changes, while even older children will not fully comprehend them.

As such, there is a fine balance you have to strike. While you must not hide your feelings entirely, you should seek support from a friend, family member or counsellor, and not add to your children’s burden by relying on them emotionally. The impact of divorce on children is already difficult enough, something we understand as specialist family law solicitors.

Where possible, please try and keep a civilised relationship between you both. Conflict between parents is very upsetting for children as it places them in a difficult, insecure environment leading to stress and anxiety.

A key skill you will need to learn is how to bite your tongue. Let things go and keep high-conflict conversations to times when you and your partner are alone. Children of divorced parents report that seeing their parents in high-conflict situations was the most difficult part of their separation.

Children—in fact, most of us—need routine. It makes us feel safe, secure and gives us a sense of belonging. Try and keep upset to a minimum where you can and carry on with the usual activities and daily routines like school, clubs, friends and seeing family from both sides. This will reassure your child that while some things might change, some things will stay the same.