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What are the signs of coercive control?
Coercive control can be difficult to recognise, even for those living it. This is because the abuse can take shape over extensive periods of time and what may initially seem innocent can quickly become abusive.
Sara Davison discusses how to spot a toxic relationship in a Stowe Family Law podcast.
What are the signs of coercive control?
Coercive control can be difficult to recognise, even for those living it. This is because the abuse can take shape over extensive periods of time and what may initially seem innocent can quickly become abusive.
Sara Davison discusses how to spot a toxic relationship in a Stowe Family Law podcast.
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Key signs of coercive control
Here are some key signs to look out for:
- You are isolated from family and friends,
- You are deprived of basic needs like food or medication,
- Your time, activities and devices are monitored, sometimes through technology-facilitated abuse,
- Your everyday life is controlled, for example where you can go, even when you can sleep or what you can wear,
- You are deprived of access to support services, for example medical services,
- You are repeatedly degraded, called names, humiliated, and dehumanised,
- Your money is controlled,
- You are threatened and intimidated,
- Communication with others is monitored and controlled,
- You feel like you are walking on eggshells around your partner,
- Any time you bring up their behaviour, they gaslight
At the beginning of the relationship, the victim may experience something called ‘love-bombing’. The relationship will often start out full of affection, with grandiose gestures and showering of gifts and compliments.
This is so that the victim becomes emotionally invested and dependent on the abuser, which is when their behaviour will change.
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Is coercive control a crime?
Coercive control is a crime under the Serious Crime Act 2015. This act made controlling or coercive behaviour within an intimate relationship, including family environments, where the behaviour has a serious impact on the victim, illegal.
Coercive control is an offence if the individual is someone you are personally connected to.
Many people do not know that coercive control is a crime or that it should be reported.
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How do I deal with coercive control?
The first step is to educate yourself on the signs of coercive control and other forms of domestic abuse. Many victims struggle to realise that they are in an abusive relationship with a perpetrator of coercive control.
The abuser will create a false reality where the victim is left questioning themselves and others and struggling to make decisions. There is, unfortunately, no quick fix.
It is crucial to reach out for professional support, as well as the support of your friends and family.
Domestic abuse charities have staff who are trained in supporting victims and survivors of domestic abuse. Organisations such as Refuge and Women’s Aid and the Citizens Advice service provide materials, written guides and outreach support, as well as providing safe spaces for people fleeing domestic abuse.
Seeking professional support from family lawyers will help you to leave your controlling partner and there is help available for the emotional trauma of the relationship, for example from trained divorce coaches, therapists, and counsellors.
You can find a webinar with Dr Emma Katz, one of the world’s leading academic experts on coercive control here on Stowe’s YouTube Channel and you can subscribe to Dr Katz’s blog.
Stowe Family Law have a podcast on how family lawyers can help victim-survivors of domestic abuse.
You can also call the National Domestic Abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247.
If you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
There are always local and regional charities you can reach out to for support and guidance.
What if my children are being coercively controlled by my ex?
The most important thing is to identify whether your children are safe or feel safe. If they are not, or if they feel unsafe in any way, then they should not be interacting with your ex-partner at all.
Co-parenting with an abusive, controlling or toxic ex-partner is impossible. Parallel parenting is a method which can be used to raise children once you have separated.
Parallel parenting purposefully minimises contact between the parents. Each parent is left to raise the children in the way they choose when the children are with them, as agreed under a child arrangements order.
When parallel parenting, it is important to not bad-mouth your ex to the children.
Have a clear set of morals, values and boundaries set up within your home so that the child(ren) will be able to see a clear difference between the two households. Model kindness and empathy and actively reward demonstrations of positive behaviours.
If you are worried about your child, you can contact the NSPCC for confidential advice on 0808 800 5000.
Post-separation abuse
Post-separation abuse is, unfortunately, very common. Coercive control can happen within the divorce process, even if the couple have physically separated.
It can manifest in ways such as:
- The abuser lying in court,
- Using the children and child arrangements as a vehicle for abuse, for example not allowing you contact with your child,
- Claiming you are alienating them from the children – parental alienation,
- Putting your own version of events into question and making you doubt your memory,
- Post-separation financial abuse.
Action for Children have a page about how coercive control looks after divorce or separation.
Charities and Organisations that can help
There are a range of charities that are specifically set up to help support victims of coercive control and domestic abuse.
Women’s Aid directory of local support keeps up to date information about domestic abuse support services throughout the UK.
Galop provides support for victims in the LGBTQ+ community. Helpline: 01823 334244
Samaritans helpline is 116 123
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