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Worst age for divorce for children
There is no ideal age at which divorce has no effect on children. However, age does determine the kind of impact divorce has on children.
For younger children, for example, a poorly managed divorce can cause separation anxiety. But for older children, it can cause resentment and a breakdown of the parent-child relationship. It is therefore important to talk to an expert like a counsellor or a specialist divorce lawyer who can inform you of the likely effects your divorce will have on your child.
How to deal with telling children about divorce
How to deal with telling children about divorce
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How to tell children about divorce
Change is unsettling, and divorce can make children feel unloved, lonely and guilty. This confusing mix of emotions is difficult for children to deal with on their own.
As such, how you talk to your children about divorce is vital. Sit your child down for a talk with both parents present. Keep animosity to a minimum and explain what’s happening and why.
Remember that your children don’t need to know all the details about your divorce. Talk with your child about how the divorce affects them, not about what your partner may have done or the specific disagreements you may have had.
The most important message that you can give your child is that you still love them and will still be there for them no matter what happens. Some children may feel it is their fault you are splitting up or fear that they will stop having a relationship with one parent or with both – make sure you reassure these are not the case.
You can also provide reassurance with actions and not just words. Be civil, put a parenting plan in place and stick to it. If family decisions need to be made, try and make them together. This will further reassure your child.
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Manage your emotions
Divorce and separation are painful. You will have to battle fear, anger, sadness and perhaps even despair. There is no way to avoid these negative feelings.
That being said, remember that divorce and separation are adult solutions to adult issues. Children of divorce do not and cannot understand these changes, while even older children will not fully comprehend them.
As such, there is a fine balance you have to strike. While you must not hide your feelings entirely, you should seek support from a friend, family member or counsellor, and not add to your children’s burden by relying on them emotionally. The impact of divorce on children is already difficult enough, something we understand as specialist family law solicitors.
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Minimise the tension
Where possible, please try and keep a civilised relationship between you both. Conflict between parents is very upsetting for children as it places them in a difficult, insecure environment leading to stress and anxiety.
A key skill you will need to learn is how to bite your tongue. Let things go and keep high-conflict conversations to times when you and your partner are alone. Children of divorced parents report that seeing their parents in high-conflict situations was the most difficult part of their separation.
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Maintain normal family life
Children—in fact, most of us—need routine. It makes us feel safe, secure and gives us a sense of belonging. Try and keep upset to a minimum where you can and carry on with the usual activities and daily routines like school, clubs, friends and seeing family from both sides. This will reassure your child that while some things might change, some things will stay the same.
Child care arrangements after separation
Bringing up children involves lots of decision making. Making these decisions together is beneficial; but that becomes more difficult during divorce and separation. Here are some practical tips to help you.
CAFCASS parenting plan
A parenting plan is a written plan that a child’s parents create after they separate. Writing one will help you both to detail all the practical arrangements that need to be put in place to care for your children. It will establish what is expected of each parent, is a valuable reference document in regards to ongoing care and potential disputes and helps maintain normal family life.
Wall planner/Google calendar
For younger children prepare a child-friendly chart for the wall which can help them understand what they’re doing and when, including when they will see their other parent. Dates can be difficult for a child to understand, so a chart helps them to feel a sense of control and add security.
For the more tech-savvy teenagers, Google Calendar is a great starting point as easy for everyone to access and you can share appointments quickly and easily. The whole family can also see at a glance what is happening that day. This is ideal for high-conflict divorces because it minimises the need for communication.
Free apps for divorced parents
There are hundreds of parenting apps, many designed specifically for parents going through divorce and separation. Most of them are US based, although there are some that work globally. Some of the apps are free; others require a subscription.
- 2houses. This is mainly based around a Google calendar for the childcare arrangements but has sections for finance and expenses as well as the ability to share medical histories and photo albums.
- Smart Coparent. Like 2houses with a calendar sharing function, finance/payments, budget, chat/messaging.
- AppClose. Free to use, calendar, messaging, able to send requests to partner e.g. I want the kids this day, or we have an appointment someone needs to go to.
- Fayr. Again very similar to the above, same calendar, messaging and finance/payments functionality.
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What our clients say
Amy Turner at Stowe and Law solicitors has been working on dealing with my affairs through a divorce. Amy gave advice and support when needed and tells you as she sees it. Amy gave options through out the process at every stage that I could take without pushing me into an option and respects your decisions.
Amy worked tirelessly to achieve the aims that I asked her to deal with efficiently and professionally and wasted no time when receiving emails. Amy judging by the time of emails i received works long hours to achieve her targets. Amy is a pleasure to work with and will follow through on what she says she will do, you can rely on her to get the work done
I saw Sarah McLoughlin as part of my 'Next steps Meeting.'
Sarah was an excellent listener giving easy to understand information in a calm manner.
She broke down the next steps in a format that I felt empowered to undertake.
She was knowledgeable and friendly.
I was nervous at the start of the meeting but she was able to put my fears at ease and I finished the meeting feeling relieved and smiling.
Pooja Patel helped me through cases involving my children and divorce. She is very supportive and was very amazing and got the results needed in very difficult circumstances. I’m thankful l had Pooja at my side and do not know what l would have done without her.
Sarah was my brother’s divorce solicitor from beginning to end. She also dealt with me as my brother often found it difficult to comprehend all the legal terminology and needed help to source all the paper work that Sarah required. Sarah was so understanding and patient with my brother, always answering my phone calls immediately, even when she was on holiday with her family! She was extremely professional and highly committed throughout the difficult months of court hearings, constantly reassuring us when we could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would highly recommend her.
Harriet Donavan and her team were amazingly helpful throughout my protracted and painful divorce. She guided me through areas that I was not aware of and helped me get to the point where I was able to fight successfully for better equity and time with my kids.
The team you manage have been fantastic with my cases. I moved solicitors and I was very nervous at whether I had done the right thing as it was a big decision. But after meeting Jake and how he listened to me and his no nonsenses attitude which I needed, I felt a lot more at ease. And his quick turnaround to take my cases on to putting a CAO in place last Friday that Ella sorted out for me and kept me in the loop all the way until it was filled with the court. And today Michelle for jumping straight on things while Jake was on leave and getting Ella to deal with the issue where I found my wife was trying to sell sentimental items on Facebook marketplace. Ella quickly responded and dealt with the situation in my opinion perfectly, and the items have been taken down by her now, again she kept me in the loop every step of the way which I really need at the minute. You have an amazing team and I feel very well looked after and I now believe I will get what I and my girls need through all this I know it will take some time, but I have faith in your team you have and trust them.
Working with Nicole Turner, I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I feel I can speak honestly and openly with her about proposals and negotiating in a somewhat lengthy divorce process. She cuts through the bluster from the other side and informs and guides in a down to earth and clear way,
I'm not out of the woods yet but I know I'm in good hands. I appreciate Nicole's determination to avoid court as this is an unnecessary cost to all concerned.
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