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What is narcissistic abuse?
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Being in a relationship with a narcissist can have long-term effects on a person’s mental health, self-esteem, and trust. Our domestic abuse solicitors share the signs of narcissistic abuse to look out for when identifying if you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. This is a diagnosable personality disorder that causes an excessive sense of self-importance at the expense of everyone else.
While psychology suggests this behaviour often stems from insecurities or childhood trauma, it doesn’t excuse the impact on the partner. People who have narcissistic personality disorder:
- Resist change
- Have an addiction to feeling special
- Blame others when their own behaviour has created issues
- Have an inflated sense of entitlement
- Are overly sensitive to even the smallest criticism
- Have low empathy
They project an image to the outside world, which can be polar opposite to how they are feeling inside. They require external validation to protect themselves from their own low self-worth.
All of this means that they can be abusive towards others and exploit them for their own gain.
If you are in immediate danger of domestic abuse, please call the police on 999 or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is when the narcissist hurts, manipulates, or dismisses you purposefully to enhance their sense of control or boost their ego. Coercive or controlling behaviour is a criminal offence in the UK (under the Serious Crime Act 2015). However, narcissists cleverly use specific tactics, such as gaslighting or guilt-tripping, to make you doubt yourself and to get you to agree with them.
Typically, narcissistic abuse goes unknown for months and even years, as the abuse is subtle. Narcissists can also be extremely charismatic and caring, leaving you confused as to who they truly are and wanting to give them ‘another chance’.
This is why it’s important to know the signs of narcissistic abuse, so you can easily recognise when it is happening to you or a loved one.
What is the narcissistic abuse cycle?
Narcissistic abuse typically follows four distinct patterns:
1) Idealisation: In this first phase, your partner may seem charming, caring and valuing you. They will constantly give you compliments and maybe even gifts. There is often ‘love bombing’ and you will be made to feel really special
2) Devaluation: Suddenly, their behaviour changes. Your partner may criticise you and make you feel unwanted, leaving you confused, hurt, and upset
3) Discard: This is when your partner withdraws and leaves you alone. You may discuss or even break up, with your partner blaming you or others for what has happened
4) Hoovering: At this time, your ex will try to rekindle your relationship. They will likely help to support you and be there for you in times of need, so that they look like the ‘hero’. They’ll apologise for past behaviour and promise to never do it again. If you get back together, this is when the cycle begins again
What are the signs of narcissistic abuse to look out for?
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is when an abuser makes you doubt your own memories and perception of a situation. They’ll deny what actually happened to misrepresent the truth, so that they look ‘better’ in the circumstances.
Love bombing
Love bombing is when your partner gives you excessive attention, flattery, and affection when you first start dating. Giving you grand gestures that feel over the top. Whilst it may seem nice at first, it quickly dissipates, with the abuser making you feel trapped, confused, and dependent on them in order to gain control.
Stop and start affection
A narcissist will intentionally hold back on showing you affection until you give in to their demands.
Isolation from friends and family
An abuser will often attempt to isolate you from your family and friends, so that you are ‘just for them’ and have no outside social support to divulge what is happening at home. They typically will do this slyly, by negatively talking about someone and encouraging you to stop talking to them as the narcissist has angled them as a bad person.
Shift of blame
A narcissist will blame you or others for their mistakes, rather than admitting to a fault in themselves.
Ignore your boundaries
Typically, a narcissist will test, push, and even ignore your boundaries. For example, they may go through your phone or continue to do things you’ve explicitly told them not to do.
Constant criticism
If you constantly feel like your partner is belittling you or nitpicking everything you do, you may be in a relationship with a narcissist. However, it’s important to note that not all abusers are narcissists. This is likely to be abusive behaviour, but not always narcissistic abuse.
Manipulating your vulnerabilities
At the start of your relationship, you may have shared your biggest fears or vulnerabilities about yourself. A narcissist may use this information and exploit it. For example, they may use your insecurities and secrets against you to make you feel weak or unworthy, so that you feel you have to stay with them.
Uncertain atmosphere
Narcissists often create environments where something just feels ‘off’. This may be because at home, they have unpredictable reactions, frequent mood changes, and sporadic affection that leaves you feeling constantly anxious, confused, and unsure.
Control over your finances
An abuser may try to gain access to your finances and limit what money you are able to have. This is known as financial abuse and limits your independence, which heightens the narcissist’s control of you.
I think I’m in a relationship with a narcissist – what happens now?
You need to decide if you want to divorce your narcissistic partner or not. Recognising you are in a narcissistic relationship isn’t easy and often comes with a lot of self-blame. However, it isn’t your fault.
Leaving a narcissistic partner can be extremely difficult. It is important to ensure that you don’t call out the narcissist for being a narcissist, as they will simply turn this against you. Often, abuse can get worse when getting a divorce, so it’s essential that you seek specialist help.
There is support available, and specialist counsellors with expertise in narcissistic personality disorder. Finding out your legal rights is a good first step, which you can do by speaking to one of our legal specialists.
You can get in touch with our experts or call 0330 159 9819 to find out more.
However, you also need to ensure you have a plan for when you leave your partner. Typically, this means you need to tell someone with specific expertise that you are in a narcissistic relationship, and seek support from a domestic abuse charity, such as:
How to explain narcissistic abuse to others
To explain narcissists and their behaviour to others, the best approach is to discuss the consistent shifts and changes that have happened. Yes, in the beginning, your partner may have been wonderful, and this persona may have been upheld when visiting friends and family – but that is the problem.
It’s all for show, and behind closed doors, the need for control became overwhelming. We recognise that explaining this form of abuse may be difficult for others to understand, especially when there are no ‘physical’ signs. With this in mind, we recommend assessing your audience.
For example, for older generations, you may want to avoid terms like ‘gaslighting’, while younger generations or peers may be more familiar with modern terms. It won’t be an easy conversation, but it will be worth it.
What if I have kids with my narcissistic partner?
Having children with your narcissist spouse can make getting a divorce that much more difficult. You don’t want to damage your children’s perception of their parent, but equally want to protect them from any harm.
Typically, narcissists treat child arrangement orders as a game that they must win or use the children to manipulate you. This is why it is crucial to get legal advice from a specialist family lawyer sooner rather than later.
Liza Gatrell, Team Leader Partner at our family law office in Portsmouth, says:
“Narcissistic abuse can have behaviours that overlap with emotional abuse, coercive and controlling behaviour, or psychological harm. Therefore, the focus needs to be on the evidence of conduct, rather than the terminology used.
“If you recognise these behaviours within your relationship, then your focus should be on documenting behaviour, getting early legal advice, and accessing appropriate support services.”
For specialist family law advice, reach out to our team or call us on 0330 159 9819.
What are the effects of narcissistic abuse?
It’s no secret that narcissistic abuse can have both emotional and psychological effects, but some people also experience physical side effects.
Depression and anxiety
People who have experienced narcissistic abuse have often lived in environments full of uncertainty. Many feel like they are walking on eggshells, waiting for the next outburst with no one to confide in. This is why poor mental health – such as depression or anxiety – is a common side effect.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Those with PTSD have a heightened anxiety response, which is to be expected with people who have experienced narcissistic, or any form of, abuse. You may have flashbacks of an abusive episode, leaving you feeling guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed that it happened.
You may experience panic or anxiety attacks. You should speak to a GP if you are experiencing such attacks, as they can recommend the best next steps, for example, therapy or medication.
Physical health issues
Being under so much stress and worry can cause physical health concerns. This can include:
- Headaches
- Nausea
- Weight loss
- Teeth grinding
- Fatigue
- Skin flare-ups
- Digestive issues
Cognitive problems
When people experience trauma, the brain can be seriously impacted. You may find you have issues with your memory, struggle to concentrate on tasks, and your brain function doesn’t feel as sharp.
How to recover from narcissistic abuse
Recovering from narcissistic abuse takes months and years of retraining your brain to unlearn what you have experienced and been taught to expect. It’s about learning to trust yourself again, rebuilding your confidence and self-worth, and recognising reality.
Here are some ways you can recover from a narcissistic relationship:
- Low or no contact with your ex: Cutting off contact with your ex may seem impossible, especially if you have children, but it can be essential to your mental sanity. We recommend blocking them on social media and their number. If you have children, you can move contact to court-approved parenting apps, like Our Family Wizard, or use a neutral third-party to arrange when they can see the kids
- Write down the truth and believe it: Narcissists can warp your sense of reality, leaving you unsure what to believe. By writing it down when the memory is still fresh, you can keep a log of exactly what has happened and when. This way, if you begin to feel any doubts, you can refer back to it and confirm what you know to be true
- Understand you will feel guilty: Leaving any partner is never an easy choice, and this is even harder if you have experienced narcissistic abuse. Feeling guilty, heightened anxiety, or obsessive negative thoughts are expected, but you must remain strong. It is easier said than done, but these thoughts and your relationship weren’t the love you deserve. Every day you maintain the lack of contact, the easier it will become
- Start up old or new hobbies: In a narcissistic relationship, your wants and desires are set to the side and maybe even forgotten. Now is the time to reclaim what you used to love or find new hobbies that excite you. Plus, your mind will be focused on this new love, rather than your ex
- Create a safe space: It’s important to build a space that is safe, warm, and welcoming. After months or years of feeling uncertain, it’s important for your body and brain to have a space that you know is safe. This signals that your body and brain can rest
- Forgive yourself: It is very easy to berate yourself about what happened and how you believed the lies. However, you don’t know what you don’t know. You would tell your best friend that they weren’t to know and to forgive themselves, so why don’t you deserve the same? Be patient with yourself – healing isn’t linear
At Stowe Family Law, we have specialist solicitors who are experienced in domestic abuse matters arising from divorce. Get in touch with our experts today or call 0330 159 9819 to find out more.
If you are in immediate danger of domestic abuse, please call the police on 999 or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
What our clients say
Elaine Morrison
Mar 2024
Please pass on my sincere gratitude to Elaine for her time. The generosity, sensitivity and professionalism shown to me today by her might be expected from legal professional towards abuse victims, but trust me when I say, from the bitter experience, it is scarce.
—Anon
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Mark Christie
Feb 2019
Can I just add that leaving you today I have felt the best I have in months, I felt safer and reassured, a huge, terrifying load fell from my shoulders. My family has had too much to do to support me through this and I’ve felt some guilt, as they too suffer my ex's abuse, although hugely appreciative of their massive help, I’m relieved the burden can be lightened, thank you so very much.
—Mrs C
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Shanika Varga
Sep 2018
Throughout my whole legal process Shanika Varga-Haynes has been brilliant and professional. She has always taken care of matters quickly and translated all legal terms into "normal" language for me. I have been impressed to see how Shanika has managed to handle my husband, who fought the process at every step. She dealt with my domestic violence and divorce matters with confidence and drive to move things forward. I have been lucky to have her on my side, which meant that I had a happy ending. I cannot thank her enough and would highly recommend her.
—Mrs M
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