Divorce, despite being a common occurrence in contemporary society, remains one of the most emotionally taxing experiences a person can endure. It’s a life-altering event that brings about significant changes, not just in your personal life but in your social interactions as well. One of the many challenges faced during this time is dealing with the judgement of others, which can often feel overwhelming and intrusive. Handling these judgements and the incessant question of “Why are you getting a divorce?” requires a blend of self-awareness, emotional resilience, and tactful communication.
Chloe Oudiz, a certified divorce coach, joins us on the blog to talk you through dealing with other people’s opinions on your divorce or separation.
Understanding the Source of Judgement
Before diving into how to handle judgement, it’s important to understand where it stems from. Judgement can arise from a variety of sources: cultural or religious beliefs, personal experiences, or even societal norms. For many, marriage is seen as a sacred institution, and divorce can be perceived as a failure. Others might project their own fears or insecurities onto you, especially if they are struggling in their own relationships. Understanding that this judgement is often more about them than it is about you can help in reducing the emotional impact.
Building Emotional Resilience
The first step in dealing with judgement during your divorce is building emotional resilience. This involves recognising and accepting your emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Divorce is a major life transition, and it’s natural to feel a wide range of emotions, from sadness and anger to relief and hope. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without guilt or shame. It’s important to remember that your feelings are valid, regardless of what others may think or say.
One way to build emotional resilience is through self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in a similar situation. Remind yourself that it’s okay to not have all the answers and that it’s perfectly normal to struggle during this time. Self-compassion can help you maintain a positive self-image, even when faced with negativity from others.
Choosing Your Inner Circle Wisely
During a divorce, the support of close friends and family is invaluable. However, it’s crucial to choose your confidants wisely. Not everyone will be able to offer the understanding and support you need. Some may offer unsolicited advice, while others might pass judgement without fully understanding the complexities of your situation.
Surround yourself with people who respect your choices and offer support without judgement. These individuals can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings and navigate the challenges of divorce. It’s also important to establish boundaries with those who may not be as supportive. Politely but firmly let them know that you need space to process your emotions and that their opinions, though perhaps well-intentioned, are not helpful at this time.
Responding to the Question: “Why Are You Getting a Divorce?”
One of the most common and uncomfortable questions you’ll face during your divorce is, “Why are you getting a divorce?” This question can feel intrusive, especially when it comes from acquaintances or distant relatives who may not be privy to the intimate details of your life. How you choose to respond to this question depends on your comfort level and the context of the conversation.
1. Keep It Simple: If you’re not comfortable discussing the details, a simple and straightforward response is often the best approach. You might say, “It’s a personal matter, and we’ve decided it’s the best thing for both of us.” This response is polite yet firm, signalling that you’re not open to further discussion on the topic.
2. Redirect the Conversation: Another tactic is to redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic. After giving a brief response, you can quickly change the subject by asking about the other person’s life or interests. This not only takes the focus off your personal situation but also subtly communicates that you’re not interested in delving into the details.
3. Honesty and Vulnerability: In some cases, particularly with close friends or family, you may choose to be more open about your reasons. If you feel safe and supported, sharing your experiences can foster deeper connections and understanding. However, it’s important to gauge whether the person is truly supportive or simply curious. Be honest but selective about what you share, keeping in mind that you’re not obligated to justify your decision to anyone.
4. Humour: Sometimes, a bit of humour can diffuse an uncomfortable situation. If you’re the type who uses humour as a coping mechanism, a light-hearted response might work. For instance, you could say, “I realised I liked being single too much!” Of course, this approach depends on your audience and your comfort with using humour in such contexts.
Dealing with Gossip and Rumours
Unfortunately, divorce can sometimes become fodder for gossip, particularly in tight-knit communities or social circles. If you become aware of rumours or gossip, it’s important to stay calm and composed. Reacting defensively can often exacerbate the situation.
Instead, consider addressing the issue directly with those involved, if you feel comfortable doing so. A calm and straightforward conversation can often clear up misunderstandings and put an end to the gossip. If the rumours persist, it’s best to focus on your own peace of mind rather than trying to control what others say. Remember that people will always talk, but your own happiness and wellbeing are what truly matter.
Practising Self-Care
Amidst the emotional turmoil of divorce, self-care often takes a backseat. However, it’s during these challenging times that self-care becomes even more essential. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you relax. Whether it’s exercise, reading, spending time with loved ones, or pursuing a hobby, make time for things that nurture your mental and physical health.
Practising mindfulness and meditation can also help in managing stress and staying grounded. These practices encourage you to focus on the present moment, reducing anxiety about the future or regret about the past. Regular self-care not only boosts your resilience but also reinforces your self-worth, making it easier to handle the judgement of others.
Moving Forward with Confidence
Divorce is undoubtedly a difficult experience, but it can also be an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. By building emotional resilience, surrounding yourself with supportive people, and practising self-care, you can navigate this challenging time with grace and confidence. Remember, the judgement of others does not define you or your choices. Focus on your own healing and happiness, and in time, the opinions of others will fade into the background.
More about Chloe
Chloe Oudiz is a certified divorce and separation coach, supporting people through divorce and separation with a low-conflict approach. She coaches 1-to-1 and in support groups and has a wealth of experience with the expat community and international divorce issues.
She is a member of Resolution and a UK founding member of the Amicable Divorce Network.
You can find out more about Chloe on her website and via her Instagram, and LinkedIn.
More by Chloe
How to tell your friends and family about your divorce
The importance of seeking emotional surpport during divorce
Navigating the conversation: telling your children about a new partner after divorce
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