“I’m a single mum; this is why I dread Father’s Day” As Father’s Day approaches, partner divorce coach Kate Nestor shares her tips to help single Mum’s navigate the day.
Solo parenting brings challenges year-round, but the annual Mother’s and Father’s Days can bring additional issues for parents and children.
For single Mums facing another Father’s Day alone, understanding and processing your own emotions and helping your children navigate the day and how they are feeling can be overwhelming.
Disappointment, guilt and confusion are common emotional responses, but it does not have to be this way. And whilst it is unlikely ever to be a day of celebration in your family, you can approach it differently.
Here are seven tips to help single Mums navigate Father’s Day solo and beyond.
Focus on what you can control
To help deal with this situation, shift your focus to what you can control. It’s out of your control whether your children’s father chooses to show up and be part of their lives, but you can control how you show up, how you parent, and the support you give your children.
So when navigating Father’s Day solo – don’t waste your time thinking about their absent dad and what he is doing. Instead, focus on what you can do to support yourself and the kids.
Reframe your thinking
Take the time to reframe your thinking. As the present parent, you can set the tone for how the day is viewed. If you feel depressed and disappointed, the children will pick up on it and follow your lead.
So work through your feelings of guilt and disappointment (a coach or counsellor can help here if you are stuck) so that your mindset is positive, you are resilient and you have the emotional reserve needed.
Stay off social media
Take the day off your social feeds, and encourage older children to do the same. Scrolling through other people’s posed happy family photos and posts will not help. It means you compare your situation to a heavily edited version of someone else’s life. Instead, focus on yourself and your family for the day.
Create a safe space for conversation
Give your children the space they need to talk about how they feel. Encourage them to talk through their emotions and listen empathetically and without judgement. They need to be able to say they miss their Dad or share any disappointment that they are not around anymore and know that their Mum is comfortable with these conversations and there to support them.
Don’t talk negatively about your child’s father
However tempting, your children are part of you and their Dad. If you talk negatively about him, they will feel you are being negative about them. That being said, you don’t need to justify, explain or defend his behaviour. Simply acknowledge how they feel, tell them you understand how difficult it is, and let them talk without offering an opinion. (And if you need a good rant afterwards – do so with a trusted friend later in private).
Embrace the day
This is not about a big Father’s Day celebration or anything extravagant or expensive. Instead, it is about planning ahead and creating a day for you and the kids full of the things you love doing together.
Ask yourself when you and your children are at your happiest. It could be a walk you all enjoy, watching a movie, cooking a favourite meal or getting a takeaway they love. Keep it simple and comfortable for them and easy to manage for you so you can relax and enjoy adding to the memories you are making as a single-parent family.
Make sure you also take some time out for yourself. Ask a friend to mind the kids so you can take a walk. Or go for a coffee. Small moments of peace and calm will help you remain positive and resilient.
Seek support
Gather up your support network, and accept help where you need it. Solo parenting can seem like the loneliest place in the world sometimes, but you are not alone. There are many other Mums in your situation. Online communities such as Frolo can help, or look into more local Mum’s groups. And pick up the phone to family and friends. They’ll want to support you.
Kate Nestor is a Divorce & Separation Coach at Stowe Family Law
