Divorce can be incredibly challenging for families, and the conflicts that arise don’t just affect the adults involved – they can leave deep emotional scars on children. When disagreements go unresolved, or “ruptures” happen without repair, children may develop self-blame, anxiety, and uncertainty, which can affect their wellbeing long into adulthood.
In this blog, Sarah Turner MBACP explores how ruptures impact children and shares guidance on how parents can repair these moments to support growth and emotional security.
Understanding Rupture Without Repair
During divorce, our homes can feel like a battlefield, and our beloved children can become caught up in the crossfire. Words and actions aimed to harm our significant other can ricochet and leave painful shards that embed deeply into innocent bystanders.
The wounds created in children often manifest as low self-esteem, dysregulation, anger, and insecurities. Without reassurance, children develop what is known as magical thinking, as they try to understand the situations by building their own narrative—which is often self-harming.
Ruptures or disputes are inevitable in all families. Daily stresses take a toll on all of us, and adding the complications of separation frequently heightens anxieties, leaving us full to the brim and ready to snap.
Learning from Experience
Talking from experience, I am all too aware of how, in failing to live up to our own standards of parenting, we can enter a spiral of self-critical feelings – regret, guilt, shame, and sadness – followed by frustration as we try to justify our actions by pushing uncomfortable feelings onto the very person we have berated. Sometimes this feels easier than saying sorry or examining our own behaviour, particularly if we were never apologised to as a child.
When this pattern of rupture is repeated without repair, it can start to impact the neurological pathways within our children. Over time, they can begin to believe they deserve our disapproval and anger – and that at a core level, they are not good.
A Personal Example
When my daughter was in primary school, she found it funny to hide in the playground. The more she hid, the more she thought she was the best hider in the world – and the more my panic grew into frustration and anger.
When she finally popped out of her hiding place, I was full of fear and rage and told her off in front of her peers and parents. I entered a spiral of shame and guilt, continuing to tell her off on the way home and later to her father.
What I didn’t do at the time was explain that I was scared and that’s why I snapped. I didn’t explain what to do differently. I didn’t hug her or say it was OK and that I was sorry for embarrassing her.
The result? Part of her childhood curiosity was replaced by uncertainty. She became on edge and unsure about how I would react when we played hide and seek.
Rupture and Repair
A year later, I learned about Rupture and Repair in a training on attachment. I thought about that moment and, even though more than a year had passed, I held her, reminded her about the situation (which she hadn’t forgotten), acknowledged my failings, and apologised. I witnessed her let go of self-blame she had been carrying.
I guess I’m saying it’s never too late.
Dysfunctional Childhood Roles
Whilst navigating conflict, children can adopt dysfunctional roles, including:
The Hero
Often overcompensates and strives for perfectionism to diffuse negative situations, seeking validation through serving others.
The Scapegoat
Seen as the source of blame, this child may act out with anger and show defiant behaviour.
The Lost Child
Feels invisible within the family, often avoiding conflict by not being seen or heard. Later in life, they may have low self-worth and lack identity.
The Clown or Mascot
Tries to lighten the mood or diffuse situations using humour, often carrying this coping mechanism into adulthood to deflect from true emotions.
You may recognise one or multiple traits within yourself or your child.
How to Repair a Rupture: The Three Rs
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Recognise – Acknowledge your own emotions and give yourself space to reflect.
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Regulate – Try exercises to calm your nervous system, such as box breathing, running, or meditation.
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Responsibility – Take responsibility for your actions using “I” statements that move away from blaming others.
About the author
Sarah Turner MBACP is a qualified Counsellor and Psychotherapist, working with children, families, and adults to support growth, healing, and wellbeing. Drawing on her personal and professional experiences – including working in youth justice, early years education, SEND support, and family therapy – Sarah offers play therapy, parent support groups, adult one-to-one sessions, and conflict resolution.
You can find out more about Sarah and the services she offers via her website.
Follow Sarah on Instagram and LinkedIn
Useful Links
Keeping children at the centre – not in the middle – of divorce
How to support teenagers through divorce
How does conflict during separation and divorce affect children?
