Divorce and the breadwinner: some straight talking (From Solicitors Journal)

Divorce|April 4th 2012

A commenter called Guy recently described his desolation after his wife announced her decision to divorce. He asked how he could delay proceedings, because he didn’t want to “lose” his children. You can read my replies to him here. He isn’t alone. Other readers face similar plights. In the last few days I have found myself advising a woman who is the breadwinner in her family, and whose situation resembles Guy’s.

People in this situation are often unhappy to find themselves on the back foot. They bitterly complain at what is happening and resent having to fund the lifestyle of a stay-at-home parent with the proceeds of their hard work. The situation, as so many in their place will agree, tends to overlook their own contribution to household chores and childcare. They are in free fall and think that nothing can be done. They resign themselves to what seems like an inevitable set of financial consequences, as well as the loss of their children and home – all to a stay-at-home parent.

Welcome to the wonderful world of equality! We women have fought for years to have the same lifestyle as men, and now we have it. But having got it, women now don’t like it when the consequences mean that the stay-at-home husband can continue to be kept in relative comfort while they have to keep working. In fact, they find themselves in exactly the same position as the working husband with the stay-at-home wife.

Many divorcing couples don’t want to change what they do. They may go to work or stay at home (or more likely do both), but going forward they don’t see any need to alter their respective lifestyles.

So what of the working spouse who bitterly resents how the non-working spouse lives?

As a lawyer I would say there is no point in complaining about it. Instead they need to get a grip, focus and deal with it. They need to consider whether they can make a change to their lives. In short, they need to think about themselves and their needs, alongside obligations and responsibilities held to their families, and then see if it is possible to alter their lifestyle in a way that suits everyone.

My blunt advice to such clients usually comes as a surprise. Why, I ask, are they allowing themselves to be targeted as sitting ducks if they don’t like what is planned? Don’t they count too? Of course they do. The law must consider both parties’ reasonable needs within the context of the assets.

Usually, clients answer that they haven’t given themselves much thought. They weren’t aware that they do count.  Caught up in what is clearly an emotional maelstrom, they feel that they have no option other than to keep going, earning the family’s money.

When a couple gets married, both of them will probably go out to work, at least initially. That decision may change as their circumstances change. Two breadwinners may become one main earner and one stay-at-home parent after babies arrive. This arrangement may be intended as permanent or temporary. Not every couple goes into fine detail about their future. Most are content to survive as best they can through the childrearing years. In my experience, however, few women are content for the stay-at-home husband to remain at home in perpetuity, without doing his bit to contribute financially. And some husbands feel the same way about their wives.

The working parent may also be deeply resentful of the stay-at-home parent’s lifestyle. He or she doesn’t stop being a parent when the front door closes at the beginning of the working day. There will be no sloping off for quick drink in the pub after work. Instead the working parent will rush home to spend time with the children, with no rest or relaxation until they are all safely in bed.

It’s an exhausting, thankless and relentless treadmill. Most couples tend to simply cope, rather than enjoy it. Trying to earn, and run a home and family, puts many couples under strain. It’s no surprise that many marriages crack up under the pressure, particularly during a recession.

Making a success of the work-life patter ultimately depends on the compatibility of the couple, and the strength of their relationship – especially when the typical roles are reversed. If a resentful working wife sees her husband enjoy being a stay-at-home parent, but to his lesser standards as opposed to hers, as she works all hours to survive, it’s all too easy to lose respect. Love inevitably flies out of the window as the easygoing guy she fell in love with becomes, to her mind, a sponging, lazy parasite.

Exactly the same can happen with the working man. I frequently receive comments like: “What does she do all day? Now the children are old enough, can’t she do something”.

And then, to add insult to injury, the working spouse (who may be working too hard to even think about the state of the marriage) can on presentation of a divorce petition be asked to divvy up the income and the capital, paying over more to the stay-at-home parent.

Of course some spouses don’t mind their different lifestyles. They have their roles and like them; they don’t want to swap. But many have an arrangement that only works, because it has to work. There is no choice.

And what may have worked pre-divorce in one home, may not work now. Parents may desperately want to spend more time with their children, so if the children come first rather than the money, they will come up with a sensible, workable arrangement that allows them to do it. You can’t be forced to work, staying in a job you hate just because it earns a lot of money. However there is no point in having your head in the clouds either. If you want to share childcare you must demonstrate that it can be done, rather than using it as an excuse to get out of paying spousal maintenance.

In these sorts of cases, when resentment bubbles to the surface, I think the answer begins with the consideration of the need for radical change. And that begins with the arrangements for the parenting of the children going forward.

If you want to parent your children, you will find a way to do so even if it means downsizing. And if you are deadly serious about parenting the children, don’t agree to move out of the home until arrangements are in place, or you may be perceived as abandoning your children.

Once parenting arrangements have been agreed, the stay-at-home spouse is free to start earning. Under s25 (2)(a) Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 the court can expect both parties to earn an income, and freed from the responsibility of all the child care a stay at home parent can also go out to work. You may agree to share your respective incomes because the back to work spouse may earn less, but either way it just might work.

And what do you need to provide?

Both parties need homes for themselves and the children, plus an income. Things will undoubtedly be tighter for most couples. But the change in lifestyle and the benefits to the children of two parents who are more hands-on and less resentful, may make for a happier family overall.

Alternatively, the resentful spouse may weigh up the options and decide that on balance, even if they choose to keep the job and maintain the family at a higher level, at least it will be through choice. Better that, than a decision that is simply imposed on them during a period in which they think they can do nothing about it.

Author: Stowe Family Law

Comments(32)

  1. JamesB says:

    keeps u sane and from alienating others and yourself not involved with your talk on the subject also.

  2. JamesB says:

    last point, in divorce in this country, the money follows the children, thus the reason why you should petition your wife now rather than wait for her to do it and get more in 8 to 10 years time.

    • Jd says:

      Are you saying I the stay at home dad should ask to keep the kids and I’ll receive more of a income from the breadwinner?

  3. Marilyn Stowe says:

    James
    Your earlier comments reply directly to Guy and as I also say on that post, we aren’t too far apart for once.
    Counselling, strategising, focussing and being prepared to take decisions for the benefit of the family are vital. And lawyers can actually help.
    Regards
    Marilyn

  4. Alan says:

    I was the traditional ‘bread winner’, and was completely taken aback when my wife said she wanted a divorce after 13 years of marriage and 2 children ( 8 & 10). Aside from the kalidascope of emotions that I went through, and to a much lesser degree still experience 15 months after separation and approaching’ish divorce, I almost immediately knew that being a more involved parent was my primary concern.

    I’m lucky as I am self employed, and have a degree of flexibility in my work and salary, that affords me to become more involved, however I still had to accept that things were going to change. My salary is reduced, I can’t work towards the early exit plan, cars have been sold and my frivolous lifestyle has been curtailed for the foreseable future . however these compromises have been far out weighed by becoming a full time, part time Dad (I have my girls 50% of the time, and all the responsibilities that are associated with them). Prior to this I thought I was a pretty involved parent, however I now realise how wrong I was! Having responsibility of my children 50% of the time was initially incredibly stressful, after school clubs, half terms, breaking all known speed limits and still being 2 minutes late for the school pick up, play dates, getting to know the school mums, cooking, cleaning (the washing machine never stops!), differentiating between an 8 and 10 year old’s clothes (still struggling with that), buying tights in winter (apparently saying ‘man up’ doesn’t cut the mustard!), they’ve grown out of shoes again (?!), organising party’s, developing Blue Peter level of arts and crafts, sleep overs, pack lunches, the list is endless! However I far prefer my new role in life and the increased level of contribution I will have in my children’s development. Ironically I’m still the main bread winner, however the size of the loaf I bring home is a lot smaller, but far more satisfying.

    • Sean says:

      Just read your comment. I can relate but my situation is a bit different. I’ve always been involved in my girls upbringing and have had time based on my work schedule to do that. I worked a 3 day shift and had stat holidays, sick days and 4 days off every week. Probably could have used a bit more money but I enjoyed the time especially in their early years. Things are changing for me after 27 years of marriage, surprised by wife’s announcement she wanted a divorce and still no reason why (?) In any case I have to deal with the issues. In the end I hope it doesn’t affect my kids too much, especially my youngest at 14. I guess I’ll see what happens as I’m still in the middle of things.

  5. Marilyn Stowe says:

    Alan
    Thanks very much for your contribution. It absolutely proves the point I am making. If there’s a will….
    Best wishes
    Marilyn

  6. JamesB says:

    Yes, some more straight talking, don’t start from here. I.e. Don’t get married or put yourself at the mercy of these courts and law and lawyers.

    • Jon says:

      Interesting you should say that. I am (I think!) happily married, but a few people I know have gone through divorce recently and I was astonished how corrupt the family law system seems to be. I have read a lot about divorce and it made me angry. I feel tricked!

      I WILL be telling my children NOT to get married (I’m sure that will go down well with my wife!). I have the facts that will ensure that they never contemplate this insane act. It needs to be stopped.

      When I got married the information about the impact of divorce was not so readily available (and never brought up). Now the information on the internet it is only a click away.

      It is no surprise that marriage is in decline. Due to the (I feel) extremely corrupt family law system, I would be surprised if marriage lasted another 15 years – Then the (typically) women / mothers will be in a much worse situation – usually getting very little if anything. Britain does not have long to fix this before it’s too late and we will have almost no-one getting married. Once the mindset has changed, it has changed for good.

  7. Yvie says:

    Along with other causes, the money following the children surely is one of the reasons why there can be a high degree of conflict between the two parents. Mothers are advised (on sites such as Gingerbread) that if they allow the children to have overnight contact with their dad, then their csa will be reduced accordingly. Fathers who want a 50/50 shared care arrangement can find this strongly opposed by the mother who realises that dad might apply for a share of the child benefit and working tax credit.

    Not all mothers are the stereotype of mum on benefits and unable to work as she has to look after the children. Many mothers have well paid jobs, are in receipt of child benefit, working tax family credit etc, and can often have a partner (declared or otherwise) helping to meet housing costs and other bills. Dad on the other hand, may be earning considerably less than his ex, have the care of his children for almost the same time as his ex. but still has to pay her around 20% of his salary.

    No account is taken of income or ability to pay. The system takes money which is earmarked to be spent on children, from one parent and gives it to the other to spend as she thinks fit. If this leaves dad struggling with his bills, including feeding his children, no one is in the least bit interested. As long as the law is applied, the consequences hardly seem to matter.

  8. BobTB007 says:

    Marilyn

    Are you saying that you are advising “working mums” with “stay at home dads” (who is the full time parent in this instance) to give up some of their “work life” to spend more time at home to “even up the balance” of child care before they petition for divorce?

    And if that is so, then whats good for the goose, means that any working dads having a handle on the home life, when the wife petitions out of the blue, should likewise give up the work routine if they are to have any chance of stabilising a status quo more in their favour (prior to actual separation)?

    Because, fellow campers, the law has an unwritten rule that allows the parent with (most) care to become the resident parent and thereafter they have a tacitly (court) approved ability to make all any any decisions with regard to the children without any recourse to the other parent, regardless of any issue of “shared” parental resposibility. Tell me if I’m wrong?

    Another gripe is that a father “keeping” the child, post separation (and prior to divorce even), in his care, for longer than the mother wants, sets himself up for two things

    1/ A bashing at any child contact application court process from the mothers team of advisors/lawyers and critisism from the judiciary
    2/ A charge of abduction at the instant time (and at any subsiquent child contact application court process from the mothers team of advisors/lawyers)and major critisism from the judiciary

    Now lets just reverse that dichotomy

    Father has majority care of the children post separation and mother waltz’s in and says I’m taking them and off they go to a new life with mum at a different address.

    She is setting herself up for?

    1/ fathers (undoubtedly failed) court application to have the children returned to the FMH and his care
    2/ mother’s new ability of setting the status quo by reducing the contact he has with the children up until the time that f actually succeeds with getting the matter before the judge, oh and of course the cynic in me will always think that this kind of action by the unscrupulous mother will always be accompanied with the reason of father’s (uncoroborated) “historical domestic violence” and the amount of time that it takes to get all of that heard in the FOF hearing

    Yvie, spot on.

    One other thing, when the father finally proves that he wasnt violent to the extent that mother says he was (ok so he shouted at her a bit, but then she shouted at him!!!!) then the courts determine that contact should be “slowly” re-established? Why? Is he a stranger? are the children too fragile to have their biological father and carer of them since they were born be allowed to have care of them once again to much?

    Oh and another final thing (lol) why is is that the court have a no blame/no fault process except when allegations of DA are alleged? Its all peverse to me and all very sexist and one sided.

    Sorry Marilyn, the women have 90% of the process on their side and only that little if the father is an absolute angel.

    So those mothers that bemoan the system when they are the major wage earner can complain to the same female lobbying group(s) that have set up the situation with support of the judiciary along with all those men who on the wrong end of many a hostile mother seeking revenge and payback for whatever reason (oh yes they cant do that can they because wwe have a no fault no blame system can they??)

    Oh and what are the judicial checks and balances to prevent it all from happening as so often it does

    Russ

  9. Law student says:

    Hello, I am currently trying to find cases in regards to the departure of equality, I was wondering whether off the top of your head you know of any cases where the Mother in law stays at home to look after an In law and/or will continue to do so after the divorce?

  10. Jacqueline says:

    i have been a stay at home wife and mum for 27 years. i found out that my ex-husband (have Decree Nisi but no financial settlement yet.) has been having affairs whilst working abroad. Our completed Form E’s were supposed to be handed over Dec 8th 2012 and mine was his only had 5 pages of bank statements and he just wrote a figure in the boxes for pensions, stocks and shares etc. He has taken my car, stopped my mony, I have the use of the master bedroom with en-suite that has no heating whilst he has gone on holiday, drives his BMW and does what he wants. My solicitor keeps saying he will take him to court for financial disclosure then does nothing. What can I do?

    • Marilyn Stowe says:

      Dear Jacqueline
      Your solicitor will be preparing a Questionnaire dealing with the deficiencies in his Form E which will be then considered by the Judge at the First Appointment. The Judge will then order him to make up the deficiencies.
      If you arent happy with your solicitor you can change.
      Regards
      Marilyn

  11. Vicky says:

    I am female who has initiated divorce from my husband.
    I am also the main earner as a shareholder in a family business, and I am also the main carer of the children.

    I have built the business up with my family over the past 13 years, my husband on the other hand had his own business (that my business helped to finance) which failed. Therefore when we separated he had a small part time job……..which he has continued to do for the past 3 years, making no attempt to find full time employment.

    During the marriage he ran up a number of debts, which I have continued to service as they were either secured against the FMH (in which I reside with the children x 3) or they were on joint credit cards/loans.

    He has contributed nothing to children during the 3 years which we have been separated and going through the divorce.

    A forensic accounts report has been done, which went more in my favour than his as it confirmed that the business has debts and no lending capacity.

    I am a minor shareholder in the business at 20%.

    Now I am getting from his solicitor the exact argument that you are discussing here, that it shouldn’t make a difference if you are male or female.

    However, what do you suspect would happen in my scenario? He was not and never has been the main provider or carer, that was all myself. So I guess I am describing a lazy man who made little contribution and is currently sitting on a part time job on purpose with the aim of claiming periodical payments from myself.

    We are awaiting a date for a resolution hearing.

    With regards to the children, I sympathize with the comments above, but this is an area where we sought resolution early in terms of contact. The children love us both and this is not something I have lost sight of at any point and I made a clear separation between children and financial issues.

    Regards Vikki

    • Marilyn Stowe says:

      Dear Vicky
      I can see why you are upset and resentful. However you are the breadwinner and own the assets and I think the court will still make provision for him according to his needs assessed within the context of the assets not least given the length of the marriage. The court will certainly also take into account your own needs as the main career of the children but overall, this is a case you should try to settle.
      Have you seen Counsel with your solicitor for a conference? Perhaps you should to discuss the best overall approach.
      Regards
      Marilyn

  12. Lance Manion says:

    Or one parent may simply be a lazy donkey that planned from the start of the marriage to quit work, an lay around the house drinking while the nanny raises the child and the maid does the cleaning. Then lay back for the rest of his life living off his spouse regarding the child only as a cash cow!

  13. Paul says:

    Hello
    Me and my partner are separating and was wondering what my rights are
    We both are in full time employment but she gets paid approximately six times as much as me
    She £180,000 me £30,000
    The house car and everything else is in her name as this is how she wanted it.
    I gave about 80% of my wage to her every month for the running of the house over the last 10 years but she always said my money went on bills and she paid for all the assets and I have now been left with nothing but the clothes in my wardrobe.
    When we first started out we were both saving for our first mortgage but due to previous bad debt I could not get one so she done it in her name alone
    I saved £800 a month for three years for a deposit.
    We have 3 children together and now she is saying she wants £900 a month child maintenance from me.
    I’m back living with my parents and now need to find money for my own place and a car so I can see my children regularly and she is living it up in a million pound house going on fancy holidays and drinking bottles of bubbly every other night. I can’t afford to pay her this amount.
    Do I have any rights when it comes to the assets and will the CSA understand my situation when it comes to child maintenance?
    Thanks for your time

    • Marilyn Stowe says:

      Dear Paul
      I’m assuming from what you write you are unmarried.
      There are two issues. The first is child support. Here is a link to an online calculator http://www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/ but I’d give them a call, which is free to discuss an appropriate level of payment.
      As for your potential claim, you need more detailed legal advice. You may well have a claim against the house or other assets and if I were you I’d go and see a solicitor who specialises in cohabitation or a barrister who would advise you under the direct access scheme. Do your homework to go and see the best one if possible in your area. It could be money well spent because this is a very complex part of the law and you should be advised by someone who fully understands it.
      Regards
      Marilyn

      • Stitchedup says:

        Paul, I’m not a lawyer but it may be worth looking into whether you can claim Constructive Trusts… As Marilyn said, find a GOOD lawyer not any old high street solicitor, do some research.

  14. Luke says:

    The answer is really simple – forget marriage and arrange a cohabitation agreement that you can both live with and sign that – that means you are both fully informed about who gets what and a Judge cannot overrule your wishes on a whim.
    Game Over.

    Note: If you cannot agree on a cohabitation agreement that isn’t just a Red Flag – it is a carnival of Red Flags 🙂

  15. Amy says:

    I have been a housewife since i got married, as an agreement from the beginning with my husband.
    I got married in 1996 and we have a 14 year old child.
    He works overseas and to my entirely shock i found out recently he is living with another woman and has a child with her.
    4 years ago we bought a flat together in middle east and I paid the down deposit and i am his guarantor on the mortgage. This money was an inheritance i had received before marriage.
    I am looking to file for divorce in the grounds of adultery, however i would like to know if i am entitled to any support from him and the share of the flat
    So i could think what will be the best option and route to take.

  16. Kev says:

    Can anyone help me? I’m in a tailspin after my partner has made it clear that she no longer wishes to be with me.

    A little about our situation: were not married, but have been together for almost 20 years. We have two children… almost 11 and 17 years old with the oldest leaving school next week but going into full time college.

    She doesn’t work.. she can’t due to a brain condition (she worked when we first met but this is irrelevant – and I dont begrudge her for not being able to earn a wage), and receives ppi. I do work and earn a semi healthy wage (£38k).

    Financially I’m trying to get us out of a mess… We almost lost the house around four years ago because she ran up huge debts behind my back. As result we now have ccjs against us. The mortgage has been dropped to interest only and we’re still in approx 5000 debt.

    Things haven’t been right for a long time… The secret spending didn’t help… neither did the fact that she went behind my back with other men.

    For the sake of the kids I have tried to make things work… but it’s gotten to the point where the house is a hostile environment and the children will surely pick up on the atmosphere soon.

    The house is in my name only, and we have no savings.

    As you can imagine there’s a lot more to this story… but the crux is that she wants out. I can’t afford to pay for all of the bills on two homes… and she can’t afford to go it alone.

    I will not leave my children In the lurch… and I want to leave her in a position that she can live with… but don’t know where to start.

    I have no idea what she’s entitled too… and even though I’ve been the best dad and partner I can be, I need to look after myself too.

    I have no idea where to turn, and no idea where to start.

    Obviously my number one priority is the children so I need to make sure that my next moves not only leave me in a position to live… but ensure my kids are taken care of.

  17. Paula Johnson says:

    HI,

    My husband and I have been together and married for 10 years. We have 2 boys 7 & 6. I am the main carer and the boys live with me, I also have a full time job as a TA and I am doing a part time degree.

    He has come to me today and has offered me a settlement and also a monthly spouses maintenance. He has been advised to split all the assets 50/50 including 2 business that I am 90 & 20% shareholder. He has been told that even though I am joint director in divorce this goes back to 50/50 split.

    Does this sound about right?

    I look forward to hearing from you.

    Thank you
    Paula Johnson

  18. DeeDee says:

    My partner is currently going through a messy divorce and his (soon to be) ex is primary career for the 2 school age children. She decided to end the marriage and moved out with the children into a property larger than the original home and in excess of what is needed. My partner has never missed a child support payment but there are currently negotiations over the equity from the marital home which has been sold. She doesn’t work, claims numerous benefits and is claiming that she needs ALL of the equity so that she can buy another property as she is currently renting (as are we). There is a good chance that this may go to court – any advice on how the court is likely to view the situation?

  19. Andy says:

    As I am now travelling through the divorce procedures the lies the deceit and threats from my ex is un real…
    I made a big mistake ,I appointed a what I thought was a good legal advisor but in reality cost me 10k and never acted as I would expect what I uncovered from his work was to say very poor.I took a step forward and I got rid of him..Upon that my new solicitor was shocked that what he had done was just about nothing for what he had supposedly done…my file was missing large information and important documentation that is now required..My new solicitor has suggested another £10 to 15k..to get to court..

    My point as I keep reading all the blogs and forums is this…The mother can do what the hell she likes the Father (me),cant do nothing…every government web site states if you and your ex partner can talk and agree…haha,what bloody idiot made those statements up,should work as social workers “there there be calm”…
    In reality some one has to pay for the costs and it always going to be the NRP.not the governments . You will be forced to pay and that’s the system we live in…shut up and pay…
    No wonder stastics say men are depressed,suicidal and live in poverty..

  20. Clara says:

    I have been the breadwinner in my marriage since the beginning, as well as doing the parenting. My husband has no assets, no income, no recourse to any benefits whilst we are married and no family or friends to help him out. His poor mental health and addictions have been making life very hard and I am reluctantly considering divorce for the protection of myself and our daughter. I am willing to contribute to maintenance for him, or a one off payment, given that his employment prospects are low, but I am reluctant to share assets which he has not contributed to, some of which I brought with me into the marriage. Does this sound like a possible outcome? We’ve been married 13 years and our daughter is 9.

  21. Katherine says:

    Hi Marilyn
    Just wanted to say a huge thank you for the time you’ve put into replying to these posts as they’ve helped me enormously
    Katherine

  22. Kel says:

    Hi there,

    I got married to my ex in 2007, and in November 2011 wife saved me with Divorce Papers to sign, of which l refused, l then decided to move back to my home Country, for the next 5 years, hoping we would sort of resolve our issues and reconcile. Our communication while l was abroad literally got cut off, l struggled with life, financially, she was always well off than myself, wouldn’t even bother to check on me or support me financially. I moved back 2 months ago, was refused to go back to our matrimonial home, was told the Divorce absolute went through in March 2012, which came as a shock to me! My Ex wife is a Banker, we lived in London,at a Flat she owned and she also owns a HolidayCottage? I have been trying to get hold of her so she can helpe financially to get back on my feet, but she has bluntly refused, and does not want to talk to me. I had no intention to sue but l have just realised its the only way to go, l was legally married to her for 6 years, although we don’t have kids together, but my marriage breakdown with her has left me worse off and struggling. Currently staying with a Friend in Kent, any legal help will greatly be appreciated

    • Marilyn Stowe says:

      Dear Kel
      You could download my book from the sidebar of this blog for 99p and read it. The proceeds go to charity. When you’ve read it and read what you can claim and why if you have specific concerns then let me know. Without knowing much more I can’t give you any advice.
      Regards
      Marilyn

  23. Anne says:

    My daughter was married 5years so short marriage. her husbands sports career ended he went into moody male. He wanted to study a phd my daughter worked full time. They live in her own home which was inherited from her father small mortgage which she pays. She lent him £15k for his studies and gave hime a £5k car. during the three years he studied a child was born, my daughter took full maternity leave adding her annual leave to this. So a year she was not working after baby was born. During their marriage he bought nothing not even a toothbrush, she paid his car his phone his clothes his insurances his spending money. He resented every minute of being a stay at home dad, after my daughter returned to work he would palm the child off on anybody who would have him. e gains his phd courtesy of the funding from daughter gets his first full time job one day then leaves her the next. He is being controlling regarding the boy, mediation has worked out the child arrangements and now financials are unlocked. This male now wants 50% of the equity made on the house since the day he moved in and the day he left. He looked after the child for only 6 months not full time as soon as daughter comes home hes off. Now looking at his bank statements it is probable hes was being unfaithful, but even worse he has had rathe a nice income which he failed to reveal. Lots of irregularities in his account. We also have much taped evidence (I know cannot be used) him stating I would never go after your home it is not mine. Evidence of money being sent to his brother in UAE too. He is also sending his CV to the UAE despite his desperate attempts to have his son. My daughter is resigned to let him keep the £20k he already has had for his phd etc, but no more he has done nothing to deserve anymore he refuses to repay this loan because he says it was a gift No it wasnt. It seems very unfair my daughter lives in a very small home she cannot downsize but to give him anymore this is what she needs to do along with court fees. Oh yes he wants to buy a 2 bedroom HOUSE plus a 10K car plus £10k furniture all funded by my daughter Surely this is wrong on every level He earns more than her his mother is very wealthy. To me this is all about winning.A thoroughly rotten male through and through and he is teaching our children from a University. He has less integrity than a brothel keeper at least they keep a roof over their heads Thank you any advice thoroughly welcomed

  24. Annoyed says:

    I am still involved in abject warfare after 9.5 years. A clue is that I made the mistake of marrying not only a New Yorker, but one from Scarsdale. Well known apparently for avarice.

    I have read all the usual comments on here about one spouse working and (usually) the wife toiling away with the kids etc.

    Well to you men out there even if you have a live in au pair plus a regular cleaner apparently it’s still a grind to get to girly lunches in your Mercedes on time.

    The worst trick is the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed trick. Watch the spending take off to the stratosphere as soon as proceedings are in the offing. The more she spends the more she fairly needs right?

    So, if you marry keep the nice cars to yourself and eat caviar and steak and give your wife baked beans on toast. Generosity kills more cats than curiosity.

    And Marilyn I’m not just talking about my experience. I have worked against Fiona Shackleton and with Lady Helen Ward on much bigger divorces than mine.

    The divorce courts are antiquated and grossly biased compared to the commercial courts and yes, I am a lawyer. Thank God I didn’t do matrimonial law. The only man who came out of that happy is Ray Tooth but of course his forte is acting for the wives of the very wealthy.

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