Tosh Brittan, otherwise know as The Divorce Goddess, joins us to introduce her new book About Kindness for Conflict – A Guide to Separation & Divorce.
About Kindness for Conflict
My book is firstly and most importantly an inspirational guidebook of hope and possibilities.
I share insights from my 15+ years of therapist and coaching experience, plus inspiration from my clients (whose names have been changed) with supportive, progressive and less conflictual ways for you to ‘flip’ the way you view your divorce and how you may choose to behave through it.
It is my ultimate and heartfelt wish that you’ll have a kinder, more compassionate and accepting divorce so your future is not defined by negative, damaging conflict, but by a harmonious, kinder experience on which you can build the next chapter of your life.
It is also a practical book. I’ll guide you through six stages, laid out in three parts – Kinder Foundations, A Kinder Journey and A Kinder Outcome – so that, no matter where you are in the process, you’ll be supported to be able to negotiate and renegotiate with kindness rather than conflict, and set yourself on a gentler, more forgiving path of understanding and kindness.
This process is for women, men, same-sex couples and childless couples… in fact, it is for anyone of any age who is confronting the truth, the reality and the scary prospect of a breakup, separation or divorce.
Kinder Foundations – the basis of anything that we want to build well.
We build houses, plan life-changing events like moving home and create work projects – all with a plan in mind, with a group of experts or support squad, and our vision. So why should divorce be any different, other than the conditioning around it that has anchored the whole process in fear, shame and failure?
Why do couples go blindly into the headlights without a project plan, clear ideas or a sustainable process applied with kindness to reduce conflict that’s going to work for them? Because it’s not the norm. With courts rammed to capacity with divorcing couples, is it not time to turn the tide, literally change the course of separation and divorce by cultivating something that is kind, compassionate and less conflictual?
When we work with kindness and compassion in divorce, we have more opportunities to mitigate relationship disaster and anxiety; stress is reduced, and there’s less likelihood of financial ruin.
In this part of the book we will gather together what you know, identify what you don’t know, and begin to create a framework on which to get you through your separation or divorce with some semblance of grace, dignity, healing and empowerment.
A Kinder Journey – well, if you’re going to do it, do it well!
Ask yourself right now: do you want to be that person in years’ time who is still angry, still sitting in Victim Land (because you know you’ll hate it), and still waiting and wanting to eradicate the divorce years rather than seeing them as a time of learning, self-discovery and healing?
As with any journey, you may be rewarded with solid-gold moments that light up your day like a beautiful sunrise or leave you feeling blessed with an early night!
There will be times where you’ll want to rest, hide in bed and mend, and give yourself permission to feel lost, sad or vulnerable. You may not want to carry on. But there will also be times where you dust yourself down, put your best face towards the sun and get back on the path.
This part contains valuable tools and guidance to help you navigate the rollercoaster of emotions, unexpected trials and magical winning moments. Treat it like a map – when you use it, you risk less of the negative feelings and getting even more lost.
A Kinder Outcome – it’s all about you!
The final part explores the rewards that come from the work, be it emotional, mental, spiritual or physical – they are for you to enjoy, savour and be proud of.
We think that nothing good ever happens to us when we’re in the thick of hard and painful stuff, but it does. We just need to get out of our own way, trust more in the bigger picture and let go of how we think things are going to pan out. Trust that good stuff happens to good people.
Keeping up with the practices, using the tools and creating your parachute to use when you need it is what this part is all about: taking control of the DMMs (Divorce Mind Monkeys) streaming fear into your life, and owning every part of who you are and celebrating it, over and over again.
You do get to thrive rather than survive when you do the work on yourself. It comes back and touches other parts of your life you never realised at the time that it could – like happy, well-balanced children, solid future relationships, and the gift that is a more peaceful mind, body, heart and soul.
Listen to Stowe talks podcast with Tosh Brittan – Overcoming loneliness after separation