Dating after a divorce can feel like stepping into a completely new world—there’s excitement, freedom and the possibility of new connections. However, it’s also a time when many people fall into common traps that can hinder their ability to build fulfilling relationships. There are many dating mistakes people consistently make after divorce— here are some examples, together with some tips on how to avoid them.
Shelley J Whitehead, renowned relationship coach, joins us on the blog to talk about dating after divorce. She explores the common pitfalls, and how to navigate them and move forward from your divorce.
1. Not taking a step back to understand what you really want
One of the most important things to do after a divorce is to reflect on what you actually want in a relationship. Too often, people jump back into dating without this vital step, using their ex as a benchmark. This can lead to repeating old patterns or searching for someone who ticks the same boxes as their former partner or someone who is completely different to their partner—whether those traits are the right ‘fit’ for them or not.
Instead, take a step back. Think deeply about what it is that you want this time around. What qualities will enrich your life and align with your current goals and values? This is your opportunity to redefine your idea of love and connection, based on your unique needs and desires.
2. Comparing new relationships to your ex
It’s natural to reflect on the past when dating again, but constantly comparing new relationships to your ex can sabotage your ability to move forward. Every time you weigh a new partner’s actions, traits, or quirks against your ex, you’re stuck in the past rather than allowing yourself to embrace the present and future possibilities.
Remember, every relationship is unique. Allow new connections to unfold without holding them to a standard that belongs to someone else. Focus on the individual in front of you and on the ways your connection with them feels fresh, different, and potentially more aligned with your needs today.
3. Running away with the future
After the emotional strain of a divorce, it’s easy to fall into the trap of rushing into the next relationship. When you meet someone who feels like a great match, the temptation to fast-forward into the future can be overwhelming. Often, this happens because it’s such a relief to finally be with someone who seems like the ‘right’ person, creating a kind of emotional escape.
Jumping in too fast can prevent you from fully understanding whether the relationship is right for you in the long term. Slow down. Take your time to really get to know the person, without projecting hopes or escaping from your past. Building a strong foundation requires patience and discernment.
4. Lacking a discerning approach to dating
One of the biggest mistakes after divorce is not being discerning enough about the people you let into your life. It’s easy to fall into patterns of acceptance simply because you’re eager to move on or because dating feels new and exciting again. But without a clear approach to discernment, you may find yourself in relationships that don’t serve you.
Discernment is crucial, especially after divorce, because it helps you avoid falling into old habits or rushing into situations that may not be healthy for you.
5. Not learning from past relationship patterns
Divorce provides an invaluable opportunity for growth and learning. However, many people jump into dating again without truly understanding the dynamics that contributed to their previous relationship’s end. Without taking the time to reflect and learn, it’s easy to repeat the same mistakes.
Take stock of your past. What worked, what didn’t, and what can you change going forward? Understanding your relationship patterns—whether related to communication, emotional availability, or conflict resolution—can help you make healthier choices in future relationships.
6. Forgetting self-love
Lastly, people often forget that self-love is the foundation of any healthy relationship. After divorce, it’s crucial to rebuild your relationship with yourself. Whether through self-care practices, spending time with friends, or pursuing personal goals, nurturing yourself ensures you approach dating from a place of wholeness rather than neediness.
No matter what stage you’re at after divorce, one thing is certain: a discerning approach to dating is crucial. Make sure you take the time to evaluate your needs and the quality of potential relationships. This will empower you to create meaningful connections that truly enhance your life.
About the author
Shelley J Whitehead is a world-renowned relationship coach with decades of experience helping individuals and couples navigate the challenges of relationships. Having journeyed through the depths of heartbreak herself, Shelley has dedicated her life to guiding others toward healing and connection. Through her decades of study, self-development, and professional practice, she has pioneered transformative approaches that have changed countless lives.
Shelley’s transformative programmes—Heartbreak Support and Heartbreak Recovery—have been instrumental in helping individuals emerge from divorce and heartbreak, turning pain into a powerful and purposeful fresh start aligned with their true selves.
Shelley also runs a workshop called Dating Decoder, where she teaches the transformative process of mastering the skill of discernment, gaining insight into your own needs and learning how to evaluate whether potential partners align with these needs.
You can find out more about Shelley, and book any of her programmes, via her website.
