In our recent article on what people get wrong about divorce in England, we explored the eight top misconceptions. Number 2 on the list is that 78% of people we surveyed think that mums have priority when it comes to child arrangements in divorce. We’re going to look at this in more detail in this article.
When parents get divorced, their marriage ends, but their role as parents carries on. It can be a difficult time for families as they process a new family structure and different ways of living. Making arrangements for children for post-separation can feel overwhelming, but the most important thing is that the welfare of the children is central to the decision making.
The myth
Many people believe that mothers are prioritised, and children will automatically spend more time with their mum after divorce. Some believe that this is because mothers have sometimes done most of the childcare, perhaps giving up careers or reducing to part time work to do so. Others believe that mothers naturally have a stronger bond with children.
The reality
Although it is a common misconception that children with always live with or spend most of the time with their mother after separation, neither parent is prioritised based on gender in child arrangement decisions.
It is usually more to do with who did most of the childcare during the marriage, and then the capability of each parent to maintain this responsibility after divorce. Fathers very much have equal rights, and shared care is common. This is particularly true when parents have come to an agreement on their post-separation arrangements together and produced a parenting plan laying out their decisions for the future.
Understanding child arrangements in divorce
The term ‘custody’ is sometimes used to describe who looks after the children after divorce. However, in the UK, this is known as child arrangements.
The best way to decide child arrangements is for you as parents to work out a plan together, ensuring their children’s wellbeing is at the centre of the decisions. These agreements can be documented in a parenting plan.
A parenting plan is not a legally binding document but can be extremely useful for parents and provides a solid foundation for a positive co-parenting relationship. Co-parenting does not necessarily mean that you and your ex need to be friends, but you will need to find a way of working together for the benefit of your children.
What if we can’t agree on child arrangements?
If parents cannot agree, there are non-court dispute resolution methods available that can support, including mediation. There are different approaches to mediation that can be more suitable for parents, and child-inclusive mediation allows the children’s own wishes and feeling to be raised in discussions (depending on their age and capacity).
As a last resort, the Family Court can step in and make the decision. This will then be documented in a legally binding Child Arrangements Order, which parents must abide by. The court will look at what is in the children’s best interests and can take into account their wishes and feelings. The court will refer to the Welfare Checklist, in Section 1 of the Children Act 1989, including:
- Short and long-term physical, emotional and educational needs
- The impact of any change in circumstances on the child
- Any harm suffered or any risk of harm
- The capability of each parent in meeting the child’s needs
Next steps
If you’re just starting out on your divorce, you’re in the middle, or you don’t know what’s next for you, the most important thing to remember is that your children come first.
Co-parenting after divorce or separation is not always going to be easy, but there are ways you can start to build good communication and ensure that your ongoing relationship with your ex is collaborative.
Useful Links
Keeping children at the centre – not the middle – of separation and divorce
