In this article, divorce coach Chloe O. explores sharing the news of your divorce with those closest to you. Navigating these conversations can be a minefield, and keeping your own wellbeing central is key. Chloe explains how to manage the fear around telling people, how to tell your mutual friends, and protecting yourself.
Telling others that your marriage is ending can be one of the most emotionally challenging parts of divorce. Whether you fear judgement, awkward questions, or simply feel exhausted by the thought of repeating your story, it’s important to approach these conversations in a way that protects your wellbeing. This article outlines thoughtful, practical steps to help you decide who to tell, how to say it, and how to manage the emotional impact on yourself and your relationships.
Choosing who to tell
One of the first things to consider is who truly needs to know. It’s natural to begin with close family and friends – the people who care deeply about your wellbeing and are most likely to offer emotional support. These are also the individuals who will likely notice changes in your life and ask questions, so being open with them early can reduce the stress of trying to hide what’s happening.
However, you are under no obligation to share the news widely, especially not straight away. Take your time. If you’re not ready to talk about it with colleagues, neighbours, or more distant acquaintances, that’s entirely your choice. You may prefer to wait until you feel more emotionally stable or until certain practical decisions have been made.
If you have children, make sure you inform them before you start discussing the divorce with a wider circle of friends, to avoid them hearing about it from someone else. It may also be necessary to inform teachers, school counsellors, or childcare providers, particularly if your child’s behaviour or routine is affected. Informing these key people can help create a supportive environment around your child.
For those living abroad, there may be additional considerations around how and when to tell family back home. Some prefer to wait until they can speak face-to-face during a visit, rather than breaking the news by phone or video call.
A simple yet effective tool can be keeping a list of those you’ve told. This avoids repeating difficult conversations unnecessarily and helps you manage the flow of information on your own terms.
Framing the conversation
When it comes how to tell people about the divorce, a calm, honest, and simple message works best. There’s no need to delve into all the details unless you want to. You might say something like:
“I wanted to let you know that [name] and I have decided to divorce. It wasn’t an easy decision, but we believe it’s the best choice for both of us.”
This neutral, clear framing can help set the tone for a supportive response. You can also gently ask for understanding or support:
“I’d really appreciate your support while I navigate this new chapter.”
If you don’t want others to spread the news before you’re ready, make that clear. Say something like:
“I’m still working through how and when to tell others, so I’d be grateful if you could keep this private for now.”
You may also want to prepare for questions like “Have you told [person] yet?” or “Does everyone know?” People often ask with good intentions, but you are under no obligation to share beyond what feels right for you.
Similarly, you’re not required to provide regular updates. Divorce is often a long and complex journey, and you might not want to talk about it every time you see someone. It’s okay to say:
“It’s a work in progress. I’ll share more when there’s something new.”
Managing difficult questions and judgement
No matter how sensitively you approach the conversation, you may still face awkward or intrusive questions. People might ask, “What happened?” or “Whose decision was it?” If you’re not comfortable answering, you can politely set a boundary:
“That’s personal, and I’d rather not go into detail right now.”
If others make assumptions or try to assign blame, you can correct the narrative gently but firmly. For example:
“This wasn’t about anyone being at fault. We’ve simply grown apart and feel this is the right step.”
It’s not uncommon to encounter judgement, disappointment, or unsolicited advice from those close to you – especially when cultural or religious expectations come into play. You might hear well-meaning but hurtful comments rooted in fear or misunderstanding. In these cases, affirm your own decision with grace:
“I understand this may be difficult for you to accept, but I’ve made the decision that’s right for me.”
Remember, you are not responsible for justifying your choices or convincing others. Prioritise those who respect your decisions and provide unconditional support.
Protecting yourself from gossip and misunderstanding
One of the most uncomfortable parts of sharing divorce news is the risk of gossip. Unfortunately, people sometimes share sensitive information without permission. While you can’t control everything, you can reduce the chances by telling people you trust and being clear about your expectations:
“This is a private matter, and I’d really appreciate you not sharing it with others.”
If you discover the news has spread, try not to panic. You can respond calmly and without revealing more than you’re comfortable with:
“Yes, it’s true that we’re separating. I’m handling things privately at the moment, but thank you for your concern.”
Navigating the impact on friendships
Divorce doesn’t just affect your romantic relationship – it can also impact your social circles. One of the most common sources of pain is when mutual friends seem to take sides, or when you feel abandoned by people you thought would be there for you.
In truth, friends often struggle to know how to behave. They may feel awkward or unsure how to support you. This is where clear communication helps. Let your friends know what you need:
“Right now, I’d really just like someone to listen without judgement.”
Or:
“I’d prefer not to talk about the divorce today – I could use a distraction.”
If your friends are still in contact with your ex, it’s okay to set boundaries, such as asking them not to mention your ex’s name or share details between you. Likewise, be open to hearing what they may need from you to feel comfortable, such as not speaking negatively about your ex in front of them.
Friendship dynamics will shift, and unfortunately, not all friendships will survive the process. But the ones that do are likely to deepen, built on mutual respect and clarity.
Supporting your emotional wellbeing
Above all, be gentle with yourself. Sharing your divorce story takes emotional energy. You might feel raw, vulnerable, or unsure how others will respond. Make time to rest and recharge after difficult conversations. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, and consider seeking support from a therapist, divorce coach, or support group.
You don’t have to navigate this alone, and you don’t have to do it perfectly. Sharing this part of your life with others is an act of courage – and a vital step towards healing and rebuilding.
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