Susie Giles, co founder of Family Flow The Divorce Collective, explores how separation impacts your parenting and offers insight and tips on how to keep children at the centre, rather than in the middle, of your separation and divorce.
Separation doesn’t just change the shape of your family. It reshapes your identity. It shifts your relationship with yourself, with your home, and — sometimes painfully — with your children.
One of the biggest questions I’ve sat with — both personally and in my work — is this:
How do we keep our children at the centre of this transition, without placing them in the middle of adult conflict?
It might sound like the obvious approach, but it’s not easy. Especially when emotions are raw, the stakes are high, and even the systems designed to protect children don’t always reflect the complexity of family life.What’s best for a child’s emotional, practical, or even physical safety can be overshadowed by ideas of fairness, compromise, or “equal time.”
When that happens, it can leave you wondering: So what do I do now?
What to tell children when you’re separating, and when
One of the very first things most parents wrestle with is: “What do we tell them — and when?”
If you Google it, you’ll find plenty of sensible, practical advice — and it’s all useful. But I don’t want to just repeat what’s already out there. Instead, I want to share what I’ve learned — through living it myself and supporting many others — about the bigger picture behind these conversations.
Once we’d got past the difficult newsbreaking, the ‘what to share’, and how to share it was, hands down, one of the hardest parts for me. I went round in circles for years — what to say, what to protect them from, how to stay neutral so they could have their own relationship with their dad.
The truth is, there were factual things he had done — not opinions, but real choices — that had deep consequences for me, for others, and for the children’s lives. And yet, I knew that how I shared this mattered just as much as what I shared.
I spent a lot of time (and money) in family therapy working out how to tread that line — how to name reality without passing on the emotional burden that came with it, and how to give the children enough to make sense of their world without feeling they had to choose sides.
Because here’s the thing: children pick up far more than we give them credit for. They might not have the words, but they feel the tone, the tension, the undercurrents. And if we don’t give them something solid to hold onto, they make up their own version — and that’s often heavier for them than the truth itself.
Over time, I realised that sharing age-appropriate truths — calm, simple, factual — actually helped them feel lighter. It matched what they already sensed and reassured them they weren’t imagining it.
One thing I’d often say was:
“There are parts of Daddy that I’ve found difficult, and some choices he’s made that I haven’t agreed with. But there are wonderful parts to him too. And I see the best of both of us in you.”
It wasn’t perfect, but it allowed them to hold both truths at once — that their parents are human, flawed, and different — and still love us both freely.
For me, that’s the bigger picture: it’s not about hiding the truth, or giving them every detail. It’s about offering a version they can carry without it weighing them down for years to come.
It’s not just about time with the children
When families separate, the focus usually lands on time:
- Who gets how much
- How it’s split
- What’s “fair”
But children don’t measure love or stability in hours. They experience it in moments: the bedtime story told just the way they like, the look of understanding across the breakfast table, the way you know something’s wrong before they say a word.
They thrive on rhythm, emotional safety, and the sense that their world makes sense. When those rhythms are disrupted — even with the best intentions — children feel it. In their bodies. In their behaviour.
For some families, one parent has carried more of the daily care. For others, it’s been shared more equally. And sometimes, the parent who was less involved before separation genuinely wants to step in more. That can be a gift — but attunement and consistency don’t appear overnight.
Quality of time matters far more than quantity. And quality grows from connection, not just a calendar split.
It’s not about you and that’s hard
Here’s the part we don’t always say out loud: ego is real.
Even the most conscious parent can get pulled into thoughts of fairness, control, or the fear of being sidelined. It’s human. But when those feelings drive our decisions, our focus can quietly shift from what’s best for them to what feels fair to me.
This is even harder when the other parent is making choices you don’t agree with, or acting in ways that feel self‑serving. But when we fight to win, our children sense the tug. They love both parents — so conflict between you can land like conflict within themselves.
There’s often no “co” in co-parenting
The glossy ideal of co‑parenting — joint birthdays, friendly texts, seamless teamwork — is possible for some families, especially when there’s still mutual respect.
But in high‑conflict, power‑imbalanced, or safeguarding‑concern cases, it’s not always realistic. And sometimes, it’s not safe.
In those situations, the healthiest option is a more parallel style of parenting:
- Communicating clearly, briefly, and respectfully
- Keeping your own routines
- Staying consistent, even when the other side doesn’t
- Shielding your children from adult issues
It may not look Instagram‑friendly, but it is protective. And it still says: “I’ve got you. I’m keeping your emotional world safe.”
You can’t control the other side — but you can model the light
You can’t control what happens in the other home, what’s said about you, or how the court decides to split time.
But you can control you.
You can choose to be the steady one.
You can regulate yourself before you speak.
You can put your child’s emotional safety ahead of your pride.
And they notice. They feel your steadiness even when they’re being pulled in another direction.
When I feel myself reacting, I try to pause and ask:
“If I say or do this… who is it really for? Them, or me?”
Sometimes it’s both. But the question helps me parent from intention, not reaction.
What helps?
- Make safeguarding — emotional, practical, and physical — your starting point
- Focus on what your child needs — not just what feels fair to you
- Honour attachment and consistency over clock‑time
- Share age‑appropriate truths, without blame
- Be the calm, consistent parent — even when it’s hard
- Let your integrity speak louder than your frustration
Divorce can be an ending — but it can also be a beginning. If we can keep our children emotionally safe while we steady ourselves, there’s hope for a new kind of family: one shaped by healing, grace, and intention.
If you’re navigating separation and want to keep your children’s needs — and their safety — truly at the centre, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
More about Susie and Family Flow
Susie Giles and Liz Harrington are co-founders of Family Flow The Divorce Collective. Susie is a trauma-informed coach and specialist in separation, divorce and family wellbeing. She is ICF trained, and has a Masters in Psychology and a graduate Certificate in Family Therapy. Family Flow provides coaching for mothers going through separation and divorce to help with the healing and empowerment process.
When it comes to children, they help parents think clearly, document concerns, and keep their children’s needs at the heart of every decision, even when the system feels stacked against you.
You can book a free, no‑pressure discovery call with Susie and Liz who will talk through where you are, what’s keeping you up at night, and how we can help you create a plan that works for your family.
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