Paula Crowhurst, founder of Polly Bloom the Divorce and Separation Coach, explores her experience of going through the menopause and divorce at the same time. She hopes to offer support, some wise words, and validation for anyone dealing with both major life transitions.
I never imagined menopause and divorce would team up and crash into my life like hormonal wrecking balls at almost exactly the same time. Turning fifty, I was mostly worried about middle-aged spread; not being spectacularly ghosted by my then husband after 27 years of marriage, who was having an affair. You know, the usual midlife concerns: “Will I need bigger jeans?” and not “Will I need a lawyer?”
I don’t pretend to be an expert on menopause. This is my story, shared in the hope that it helps others feel seen, heard, and less alone and just in case you’re out there navigating similar chaos, wondering if you’re the only one Googling “why do I feel like a volatile volcano of hormones and heartbreak?” at 2.00am.
The Silent Collision
Menopause didn’t knock politely. It crept in slowly at first with perimenopause; irregular periods, night sweats (questioning whether it was due to the outside temperature in the summer months) mood changes, sleep disturbance and a body that felt like it wasn’t mine anymore. I brushed it off as stress. Then came the divorce. A different kind of loss; identity, sense of purpose, partnership, the future I had pictured.
What I didn’t realise until much later was how deeply these experiences amplified each other. The emotional weight of divorce made the hormonal swings of menopause harder to bear. The physical changes from menopause made it harder to feel grounded or strong while going through separation. It wasn’t just grief; it was transformation, in every direction.
Hormonal fluctuations can heighten feelings of sadness, anxiety, vulnerability, irritability … while the psychological strain of divorce can worsen menopausal symptoms. And it’s difficult to see the wood from the trees.
During menopause the brain undergoes significant structural (emotionally and cognitively) and functioning changes as it adapts to shifting hormone levels.
Estrogen; the so-called “feel-good” hormone takes a nosedive during menopause, messing with your sleep, mood, memory, and general ability to function like a coherent adult. Progesterone, her calming counterpart, quietly exits stage left, leaving you wide-eyed at 3 a.m., replaying every text your ex ever sent.
Their drop leads to re-organisation of mood, regulation, sleep patterns, memory processing and brain energy use.
Meanwhile, cortisol (a.k.a. your stress hormone) shows up like it’s the boss. High levels of it not only mess with your brain but encourage fat to throw a party around your waistline. Great. Just what I needed: betrayal and a belly. It turns out the stress of divorce doesn’t just break your heart; it also invites carbs to take up permanent residence in your midsection.
Realising I Wasn’t “Just Emotional”
There was a time I honestly thought I was losing the plot. I questioned everything about myself. Was I overreacting? Was I broken? Why couldn’t I “bounce back”? Only when I started talking to others and learning more did I realise that I was navigating two life-altering transitions at once, and that my experience was valid.
This isn’t talked about enough. The intersection of menopause and divorce is rarely acknowledged. But it’s real, and it’s heavy.
Some women may feel a sense of loss over their fertility or connection to younger, more reproductive versions of themselves. The changes such as weight gain, skin dryness, hair loss, etc. can affect how they view their attractiveness or femininity. They may believe that this has contributed to why their husband/partner has upped and left.
But others, and I’d count myself among them now, eventually find it’s liberating; a time of power. A reset. They feel more confident and wiser, no longer defined solely by their role as wife, mother and monthly cycles. They rediscover their passions and purpose, embracing newfound freedom. This may lead them to explore new hobbies or revisit activities they once loved.
It’s about embracing this phase and shifting your perspective. It represents a threshold, not a conclusion.
In the words of Donna Ashworth:
“We struggle to recognise who we are anymore,
but the trick is to stop looking for what was
and start seeing the new”
The Importance of Support
Honestly, I think what saved me were the quiet acts of kindness; the texts from friends, the gentle nods from women who just got it, and the therapist who said, “You’ve been through a huge thing.” (Which felt validating enough that I cried as I drove home.)
Online stories helped too. Someone else’s post might make you laugh or cry or just go, “Oh wow, me too.” And suddenly the mountain feels less like Everest and instead a more gentle slope.
Word to the wise: be picky about the energy you surround yourself with. Avoid groups that spend three hours moaning and one minute moving forward. Surround yourself with radiators, not drains. You want warmth, not someone else’s cold shower of bitterness.
Therapists, divorce coaches, and counsellors can provide valuable support as you navigate this emotional landscape. Additionally, there is an abundance of information and resources available regarding menopause now more than ever. Remember, you don’t have to face it alone.
As well as being a divorce coach, I am a clinical hypnotherapist. I know that hypnotherapy can be a powerful supportive tool especially for managing symptoms tied to stress, sleep, weight and mood. It helps the nervous system shift from fight or flight into a calmer, more balanced state. Remember, the aim is to lower those cortisol levels!
Journaling is beneficial too because by writing it down it offloads mental clutter. It helps to process emotions like irritability, overwhelm and sadness. It also boosts emotional awareness. I also like to use journaling as a gauge. A way to track, reflect and adjust over time.
Support won’t fix everything. But it will hold your hand while you patch things back together.
Redefining Self-Care and Strength
I used to think self-care was bath bombs and a face mask. Now I know it’s boundaries. Rest. Walk outside. Turning down invites that drain you. Eating food that loves you back. No offence to white wine and cheese; I love both, but be aware of how much you’re consuming; everything in moderation
Strength isn’t just soldiering on. It’s knowing when to sit down. When to cry. When to call someone and say, “I’m not okay today”. And when to gently remind yourself: you don’t have to earn rest.
Sleep? Crucial. Diet? Essential. Wine? Like I say, fun in moderation. Let’s be honest, sugar and alcohol are not on your side right now. Your waistline knows this even if your Friday night brain doesn’t.
Get moving and not just to burn calories. Strength training helps fight muscle loss (yep, even your muscles are leaving you), and it boosts confidence.
I get it! Finding the motivation to eat healthily, exercise, or get quality sleep can feel overwhelming, especially during stressful periods like menopause or divorce. When you’re running on empty, even the thought of making healthy choices can seem like a huge task. Start small. Ten minutes of walking. Five deep breaths. Swapping toast for eggs. Micro-shifts matter.
Why I’m Sharing This
As I said, I’m not an expert on menopause; just a woman who was hit by both a hormonal freight train and a betrayal bus in the same year. I’m sharing this because too many of us go through it quietly. Ashamed. Exhausted. Alone.
But you’re not broken. You’re not failing. You’re just changing. And while change can be messy and mortifying; it can also be magic.
If you’re somewhere in this messy middle right now, please know, you’re not alone. You’re not weak. And there’s nothing wrong with asking for help.
Let’s keep breaking the silence, one honest, slightly sweaty, possibly rage-fuelled story at a time.
Much love
Polly Bloom
Bravely Letting Out Our Magic!
Find out more about Paula
Useful Links
How to overcome loneliness after a divorce or breakup
