However, Sarah goes on to explain how those traits can also be used to empower the ADHDer through the divorce process.
Divorce is hard for everyone; it requires the untangling of the most precious elements of a person’s life with the person who those very elements have become deeply intertwined with. These most precious elements are then dissected so they can be analysed, valued and divided between the divorcing couple according to a set of principles decided by someone else and that they have no control or influence over. This, understandably, is gut wrenching and it is also the reason why it is crucial that a person going through a divorce has the right support.
Does ADHD make divorce harder?
We are still in the early stages of fully understanding ADHD, many who have ADHD have been late diagnosed and so have had a lifetime of feeling, and often being told, they are ‘too sensitive’, ‘over reacting’, ‘the (task) is easy, they shouldn’t find it hard’ or ‘why can’t they just (be on time / stop losing everything/ remember appointments/ fill out the form / concentrate etc)’.
This means it is hard for many to understand what it is they need, they know what they want to do but don’t understand why they can’t just do it. Add the stress of the divorce process and the legal fees for each time help is required and it’s not hard to imagine the disadvantage an ADHDer going through divorce can easily find themselves in.
Looking at divorce through an ADHD lens there are certain pitfalls that us ADHDers are more susceptible to. During my time as a Family Lawyer, these are the ones I have seen time and again:
Emotional pitfalls
- High sensitivity and difficulties in emotional regulation can result in seeing the process as an attack. This can result in non-engagement or an unreasonably uncompromising approach, both of which can be more damaging then helpful to securing best outcomes.
- Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is an extreme emotional, often physically felt, pain, triggered by the perception of being rejected, criticised or failing to meet high standards. Divorce is extremely fertile ground for RSD and can result in the ADHDer feeling very low self-worth, opening them up to agreeing a settlement that is not appropriate.
Practical pitfalls
- Differences in risk perception: ADHDers are excellent in a crisis, the surge of stimulating hormones actually calm an ADHD brain, allowing a clarity of thought like no other. However, this can result in the ADHDer not fully appreciating the implications of missing court deadlines, not fully preparing for negotiations or court, or agreeing to potentially onerous terms, until it is too late.
- Differences in time perception: For many ADHDers time is either now or not now. This often leads to misjudging how long something will take and / or over committing our time. In the divorce process this can look like late instructions (to their lawyer), production of documents, attendance to meetings, court hearings etc
- Object permanence and difficulties in working (short term) memory: Memory can also be problematic. For many ADHDers, out of sight is very much out of mind. This can make remembering key events or documents tricky. It can also damage credibility or quality of advice if memory of key events are triggered piecemeal throughout the process.
- Boredom: This is the kryptonite of ADHDers, no matter how important a task is, or how much we want to do it, if a task is mundane or its purpose is not understood, it’s going to be impossible to complete (or even start). In the context of a divorce this can cause problems when putting together documents such as the 30 page Form E which also requires the ADHDer to gather numerous exhibits such as 12 months worth of bank statements for every bank account, pay slips, business accounts, credit card statements, pension statements, insurance policies, loan agreements etc.
Can ADHD be helpful in divorce?
The short answer is yes!
I believe that there are no bad emotions and the concept of difference is subjective. The differences mentioned above are how ADHD traits can show up in a divorce when the ADHDers ADHD is not accommodated. When an ADHDer is treated like an ADHDer their ADHD traits often show up like this:
- High sensitivity: this often means an ADHDer can pick up on all the micro expressions of people and subtle changes of the environment around them. When the high sensitivity and excellent pattern recognition ADHDers often have is supported, it often results in them being told they have good instincts or even psychic abilities, predicting seemingly unpredictable behaviour and just ‘knowing’ when something bad (or great) is about to happen. High sensitivity does not need to be shut down or diluted, it needs to be understood so it does not overwhelm. In a divorce context this can be incredibly useful when pitching settlement and negotiations generally.
- High empathy: a lifetime of being misunderstood and experiencing RSD often results in high levels of empathy and justice sensitivity. ADHDers tend to be very empathetic and fair minded. In the context of a divorce, this is incredibly helpful in the engagement of reasonable and meaningful negotiations.
- Hyperfocus: the common misconception about ADHDers is that we are unable to focus (it is in the name after all!) However, ADHDers know we actually have an insanely high ability to focus, the problem is, it is difficult to control where that focus goes. When properly engaged we have incredible tunnel vision and work at lightning speed. The trick is to know how to hack our motivation in the direction needed and also realising that this is not a sustainable level of productivity and therefore understanding how and when to interrupt the tunnel vision to prevent burnout or emotional collapse.
- Creative thinking: due to ADHDers being wired differently to others, the way we think by default, is often deemed creative. Our allergy to boredom also results in a busy mind that has an abundance of ideas and easy brainstorming. This can be incredibly useful to progress negotiations in a divorce or when lateral thinking is required to ensure both parties objectives are met on limited resources and / or where there are competing needs.
As a former Partner at Stowe Family Law, I fully understand what is required in the divorce process. I also have ADHD and am a qualified ADHD coach, so I know the stumbling blocks for an ADHDer going through divorce. I also know how to navigate these so the divorce does not feel like a process you are being dragged through and one you hope you survive, but a process where you have agency to fully engage in a meaningful way and be instrumental in securing a positive outcome.
Learn more about Sarah Gillen
Sarah is a trained ADHD coach through ADHD Works. She combines her knowledge of the divorce world from her former position as a family lawyer and Partner at Stowe Family Law, with her mission to help ADHDers understand their strengths. Her company is Awaken Potential.
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