If you find yourself asking, ‘What is an emotional affair?’ chances are you think you could be cheating, or that your significant other is. Our expert UK divorce solicitors have put this article together to help you navigate this tricky time.
We explain the meaning of an emotional affair, the signs of emotional cheating to look out for, and whether you should consider divorce or separation.
What is an emotional affair?
An emotional affair is when two people have an intimate relationship based on emotional closeness without being physically intimate. It is often shrouded in secrecy, and turning to this person for support instead of their current partner – sometimes it’s referred to as a ‘deep connection’ or someone who ‘just gets me’.
Is it really cheating if it’s not physical?
Although we all have a stereotypical understanding of what cheating is, it is actually dependent on how you and your partner define cheating. For example, you and your significant other may be in an open or polyamorous relationship in which you think physical intimacy isn’t cheating but would define a close emotional connection with someone else as infidelity.
What classes as cheating really is unique to each couple and your shared morals. With that in mind, it’s helpful to consider if your behaviour may be crossing the boundaries of your relationship — even if you haven’t been physically intimate with someone else.
The reasons why people cheat emotionally
As emotional infidelity isn’t as well-documented as physical affairs, the reasons why people fall into emotional cheating aren’t as distinguished. However, that doesn’t make it any less impactful.
Emotional disconnect in current relationship
Have you ever heard the saying I’d rather be lonely alone than lonely in a relationship? Unfortunately, this is sometimes the reality for couples. One partner may feel like they aren’t truly seen or heard by their current partner and therefore seek this out from someone else.
Unmet needs
Especially if you are in a long-term relationship, you may miss the feeling of being wanted or that your needs have changed and are no longer being met. If your relationship is starting to feel routine or mundane, the excitement of connecting with someone new may be too enticing.
Unclear boundaries
If you and your current partner don’t have clear boundaries on what constitutes as cheating, you may be having an emotional affair and not realise it. With the rise of micro-cheating and more, it’s imperative that you and your significant other discuss your boundaries.
Closeness to other people
When you are in close contact with people – maybe due to work or hobbies – it can create an intimacy over this shared connection. As it develops naturally, it can cause some confusing thoughts and lead to emotional intimacy.
Seeking comfort elsewhere
When life is stressful, it’s natural to seek comfort. If you aren’t getting this from your current relationship, you may then seek it elsewhere.
Power imbalance in current relationship
If your current partner is controlling certain aspects of your life, you may be seeking some freedom and release. Connecting with someone emotionally who understands and supports you may just be what you’re searching for.
The impact of emotional cheating on relationships
To some people, emotional intimacy may not seem like a big deal, but to others, it is worse than a physical affair. The impact on your relationship can be staggering:
- Betrayal
- Broken trust
- Further emotional detachment from current partner
- Conflicts with other members of your family
- Comparisons to new partner
- Unwanted feelings, like shame and guilt
- Negative thinking of self
- Broken communication between you and your current partner
Depending on the outcome of your situation, an emotional affair could even lead to divorce, dissolution, or separation. If you need advice on your next steps, reach out to our lawyers today.
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Can an emotional affair truly lead to love?
Yes, sometimes an emotional infidelity can lead to true love. We’ve all seen shows like Love Is Blind, which show that love isn’t always about physical connection.
Sometimes, a strong emotional connection provides just as much support and understanding as a physical one. However, an emotional connection can be more complicated than a physical-based connection, due to the secrecy and if the connection changes, if it becomes common knowledge.
Often, these connections and the ‘what ifs’ are based on idealised realities, rather than actualities. Therefore, it can be hard to distinguish if it truly is a connection or just desire and wanting to escape.
Emotional infidelity signs to look out for
Learning about an emotional affair is never easy – you either feel hurt that your partner could do this to you or confused that your actions are leading you down this path. This is why our experts have shared signs of emotional cheating from both perspectives.
Signs you’re having an emotional affair
- Frequent communication
- Talking about deep topics
- Become emotionally distant from your current partner
- Downplay your friendship with them
- Turning to them first before your partner
- Sharing inappropriately
- Feeling like this person “gets” you
- You find yourself thinking about them all the time
- You hide your messages
- Go outside to be able to talk to them on the phone
- Feeling less satisfied in your current relationship
- Your mood changes when you’re talking to them and when you’re not
- Comparing your current partner to them
Signs your partner is being emotionally involved with someone else
- They spend a lot of time doing things without you
- Spending more time “at work”
- Is more secretive about their phone
- Conversations become surface-level discussions
- Changes in emotional availability
- They are on their phone more often, but won’t explain why
- Act defensive when you ask who they’re talking to
- Someone continues to come up in conversation
- Your intimacy begins to decline
Of course, many of these signs could be someone simply in a bad mood or something else entirely. These are not proof that your partner is having an affair. Therefore, before you make any assumptions (which we know is easier said than done), it is best to just talk to your significant other and ask if they are having an emotional affair.
Is divorce the answer?
If you’ve just discovered that your partner is cheating emotionally, or you decide that you want to be with the other person, you may be thinking about divorce. If you believe that the trust has gone and you cannot be with this person anymore, divorce may be the right solution. If you’re not sure how to ask your spouse for a divorce, check out our guide.
Under UK law, emotional infidelity doesn’t count as adultery. Only physical adultery may impact divorce and the final financial divorce settlement.
Hear what one of our expert solicitors has to say
Zanariah Webster, Senior Associate at our London law office, says:
“Trust is the bedrock of any marriage, and once that is broken, it can be very difficult to rebuild. The issue with an emotional affair is that it can lead to inadvertent betrayal; you may find yourself “connecting” with another person and with absolutely no intention to commit adultery. However, over time, that connection deepens and often leads to conflicting and complex emotions.
“As hurtful as adultery is, the feelings of betrayal often bear no significance to financial settlements. The Courts purpose in determining a reasonable financial settlement is not based on how those hurt feelings can be “compensated” but rather on how the existing matrimonial assets can meet each party’s and, if necessary, children’s needs.
“Accepting that a Court would not consider the impact of adultery on financial settlements is very difficult to accept. However, unless the party’s conduct is deliberately reckless and there is a calculated attempt to dissipate assets, their behaviour does not impact a financial settlement.”
If you need help with your divorce, our experts are here to help. Get in contact with our lawyers today.
Of course, you or your partner may decide that their emotional cheating was a moment of infatuation, rather than true love. Therefore, you may want to work through your issues together.
7 ways to reconnect with your partner after emotional infidelity
1) Have a truly honest conversation
In order to move past everything that has happened, it is imperative that you and your significant other have a completely honest discussion about everything.
It will not be a nice conversation to have, but this way, both of you will know how the other truly feels and what you need to do to move forward.
2) Agree on what caused the relationship to decline
Most people have an emotional affair as they feel like something is missing in their current relationship. By defining what one or both parties think is missing, you can then actively work to correct this going forward.
3) Try counselling to leave the past in the past
If you and your spouse are struggling to have honest conversations that are constructive, why not try couples counselling?
We understand that it may feel scary or intimidating but having an outsider who is trained to help you move through your problems could be incredibly helpful.
4) Confirm new boundaries to rebuild trust
If emotional infidelity has occurred due to murky boundaries, now is the time to set strict boundaries within your relationship.
This way, everyone has a clear understanding of what is right and wrong.
5) Prioritise emotional connection
Being cheated on in any sense of the word is incredibly hurtful and can lead to a lot of unwanted emotions. Therefore, the person who has been cheated on needs a lot of empathy and a chance to express their pain. Equally, the person who was unfaithful needs to allow this to happen without getting defensive.
With both people being able to be honest, it enhances your emotional connection and starts to rebuild your relationship.
6) Be consistent in words and actions
We all know that words are important, but it’s marrying your words with your actions that rebuilds trust and connection.
When agreeing on boundaries and what you are both going to do to save your relationship, make sure you consistently follow through on your words to show your significant other that you are trying.
7) Understand it takes time to rebuild Media
You may want things to go back to “normal” after your conversation, but this is highly unlikely.
It takes time to rebuild trust and a connection. We know it is easier said than done, and patience is a virtue, but remembering that slowly but surely, you’ll get there, is vital.
Need relationship advice? Our lawyers are here to help
If you decide that divorce or dissolution is the right thing to do after an emotional affair, our team is here to help. We’ve been helping families across the UK for over 50 years, so you can trust you’re in safe hands with us.
With expert legal advice, tailored solutions to your individual needs, and caring lawyers by your side, choose Stowe Family Law for your needs.
Call our Client Care team on 0330 159 9817 or reach out to our solicitors here.
