Genevieve Gresset, an expert relationship coach, explores what growing apart is and if it does really need to mean the end of your relationship.
After working with couples for over thirty years, I can tell you this with certainty: most relationships don’t end in a dramatic implosion. They dissolve slowly, quietly, through absence. Not the absence of love, but of attention, curiosity, intimacy, and emotional investment.
It’s not uncommon for clients to find themselves sitting in a solicitor’s office not because something happened, but because nothing did. They didn’t stop loving each other. They simply stopped noticing each other.
But what if I told you that growing apart doesn’t have to be the final chapter? That for many couples, this moment of uncertainty becomes a turning point, not the end?
What Does Growing Apart Actually Feel Like?
It’s not usually obvious. It starts subtly. A comment here. An eye-roll there. A habit of turning on Netflix instead of turning toward one another.
You stop talking about things that matter. Conversations become transactional, “What time are you home?”, “Did you pay the gas bill?”, “Whose turn is it to do the school run?”
The silence isn’t peaceful anymore. It’s empty. You feel like you’re living in the same house, but in different emotional worlds.
One client described it perfectly:
“It wasn’t that we didn’t love each other. We just forgot how to be with each other.”
How Do You Know When It’s Time to Get Help?
Too many people wait until the very last minute to reach out for support. They come when the wounds are deep, when resentment has hardened, when they’re already packed emotionally, if not physically.
But you don’t need to wait for crisis. In fact, the earlier you get help, the easier it is to turn things around.
Here are three key signs that it’s time to reach out:
1. You’re Avoiding Conversations Instead of Having Them
When you’d rather stay quiet than risk another argument or when every conversation feels like a landmine, it’s a warning sign. Avoidance kills intimacy.
2. You’re Lonely in the Relationship
Loneliness isn’t just about being physically alone. It’s the ache of lying next to someone and feeling emotionally miles apart. If you feel unseen or emotionally neglected, that’s a sign your connection needs nurturing.
3. You’ve Started Fantasising About Life Without Them. Not Because of Anger, But Indifference
When the idea of a solo future feels more comforting than sharing your life, it’s time to pause. Is it truly the end or have you simply stopped connecting?
Case Study 1: From Divorce Filing to Deep Rekindling
One couple I worked with had already filed for divorce. Married for nearly eighteen years, they came to coaching for closure. “We’re not angry. We’ve just grown apart,” they told me. No affair. No betrayal. Just emotional distance.
But during our sessions, they realised something powerful: they hadn’t invested in their relationship in years. No dates. No affection. No intentional time. They’d let life take over.
They agreed to try something new, small, simple shifts. Weekly date nights. Ten-minute daily check-ins. Learning how to listen without fixing. A year later, they’re still together and in their words, “more in love than we ever thought possible.”
Case Study 2: Break Up With Love And Stay Together Instead
Another couple came to our Break Up With Love workshop. They were ready to separate, but wanted to do it gently. For the children. For their own peace.
What they didn’t expect was to reconnect.
Through the exercises, they learned to set healthy boundaries, express needs without blame, and open up emotionally for the first time in years.
Six months later, they sent me this message:
“We thought we were coming to end our relationship. Instead, we found a new one, with each other.”
Why This Isn’t About Failure
We’re not taught how to love well. Not really.
We pick up fragments of relationship theory from our parents (who were winging it themselves), or from rom-coms that fade to black right before the real work begins. So when things get hard, we feel shame. Like we’ve failed.
But here’s the truth: needing help isn’t failure. It’s maturity. It’s knowing that relationships require tools, perspective, support, especially when we’re hurt or exhausted.
Every couple I work with says the same thing:
“I can’t believe how much changed with just a few small tweaks.”
From asking better questions, to learning to fight fair, to bringing back fun, the shifts are practical, simple, and incredibly powerful.
Let’s Talk About Intimacy
Most couples I work with mention that intimacy has changed. It’s usually one of the first things to go when disconnection creeps in. And it’s not just sex, it’s touch, playfulness, affection, presence.
Sex does evolve as we grow older. Hormones shift. Bodies change. Needs differ. But that doesn’t mean intimacy has to fade, it just means it has to adapt.
Talk to each other. Ask:
- What makes you feel close to me?
- What makes you feel wanted?
- What’s missing that we could bring back, or try anew?
Intimacy can be emotional, physical, spiritual, playful. The most connected couples keep experimenting.
The Magic of Small Changes
I’ll leave you with this: every couple I’ve worked with has said they were surprised by how quickly things started to shift, not because we overhauled everything, but because we simplified.
- A few better conversations.
- A few honest check-ins.
- A willingness to rediscover, not just repair.
And nearly all of them used the same phrase after just a few sessions:
“I didn’t know it could feel this good.”
This Doesn’t Have to Be the End
If you’re reading this and wondering whether the relationship is over, I urge you to pause.
Not every relationship can be saved. But many don’t need to end. They need support. Tools. And a little time to breathe and remember why you chose each other in the first place.
So whether you’re at the start of the legal process or just quietly struggling behind closed doors, consider this your invitation.
Not to fix what’s broken. But to rediscover what’s still alive.
About Genevieve
Genevieve Gresset is a relationship expert and founder of Relationship Retreats. She runs specific programmes to support couples whatever stage they’re at:
- Relationship MOT & Service Sessions. Deep-dive reviews to explore what’s working, what’s stuck, and how to move forward.
- Break Up With Love Workshops. For those considering separation who want clarity, closure… or reconnection.
- Private Coaching for Individuals or Couples. Bespoke support to help you grow, communicate, and rediscover connection.
You can contact Genevieve via her website www.relationshipretreats.co.uk or [email protected]
