Financial infidelity isn’t a term used often, but it is more common than you may think. It refers to a pattern of financial behaviour whereby one partner in a relationship is dishonest about money matters or misuses shared finances without the other partner’s knowledge or consent.
An introduction to financial infidelity
Whether it’s hiding debts, secretly spending large amounts, or lying about income, the hurt and betrayal caused by financial infidelity can be devastating. Like any form of infidelity, it can erode trust and raise doubts about the future of a relationship.
In this article, we’ll explore what financial infidelity looks like, how to spot the signs, and what steps you can take to address it.
What is financial infidelity?
Financial infidelity involves intentionally misusing shared finances without a partner’s knowledge or consent. It goes beyond being irresponsible with money. Instead, financial infidelity involves deliberate acts of deception or concealment including:
- Accruing and hiding debt: Borrowing heavily and keeping debts hidden.
- Secret spending: Making large or frequent payments on expensive items, gambling, or other activities.
- Lying about income: Misrepresenting income to manipulate financial planning.
- Concealing bank accounts: Maintaining separate bank accounts to hide money or transactions from a partner.
Signs of financial infidelity
In an age where money is managed digitally, identifying and proving financial infidelity can be difficult. If you have a hunch but no evidence, you can begin to doubt your concerns. Especially if your partner has successfully covered their tracks.
Whilst sharing finances in relationships can be an effective way to pool resources and divide responsibility, this joint financial management approach is based on trust and comes with an inherent degree of risk.
It’s because of this you should trust your instincts if things don’t add up.
Signs of financial infidelity to look out for include:
- Frequent and unexplained transactions or cash withdrawals
- Your partner becoming defensive or evasive when discussing finances
- They insist on handling all financial matters alone
- Significant changes spending patterns
- Secretive behaviour in relation to money
- Missing financial documents, such as bank statements or credit card bills
- Discrepancies in financial records or your family budget that cannot easily be explained.
Note: If you’ve been forced to surrender control of your bank accounts or you suspect you may be a victim of financial abuse, you can find more information and resources here.
The impact of financial infidelity
The dishonesty associated with financial infidelity can create deep-seated resentment and an erosion of trust. The sense that things aren’t quite what they seem is unsettling and can lead you to question what else your partner has kept from you.
On top of that, financial infidelity presents economic risks to you and your family. Depending on the level of misuse of money, not only might your disposable income be affected, but also your savings and assets, ability to cover expenses and housing costs, opportunity to achieve long-term goals, as well as your future financial capacity.
This could leave you significantly less financially secure than you thought.
What are the causes of financial infidelity?
While some people are dishonest about money for their own gain, others lie to cover up bad decisions. The pressure to maintain a certain lifestyle or ride out the current economic climate without changing money habits, can make risky financial decisions like gambling and taking on debt feel like a solution.
Another scenario is that anyone doubting their ability to afford separation or divorce might secretly ringfence or syphon money only they can access, to create an emergency fund.
Finally, factors such as addiction and mental health can influence financial behaviours.
Addressing financial infidelity
“I think my partner is keeping financial infidelity from me, what should I do?”
It can be shocking to discover financial infidelity in a relationship, so it’s important to take time to process your emotions and then initiate an open and honest conversation with your partner when you’re ready.
Express your feelings and concerns calmly but firmly, emphasising the importance of honesty. Together with your partner, discuss establishing clear financial boundaries, setting up regular financial check-ins, and working towards rebuilding trust through transparency and shared financial goals.
Consider seeking support from a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to help you move forward.
“I’ve been financially unfaithful, how do I try to fix things?”
If you’ve been dishonest about finances in your relationship, it’s crucial to take responsibility and provide your partner with a full view of your current financial situation.
Your partner is likely to feel you’ve betrayed their trust so prioritise re-establishing this.
Work together to create a transparent financial plan that includes setting a budget and managing debts, and commit to being open and honest about finances moving forward.
Consider seeking the guidance of a financial counsellor or therapist to support you while you address any underlying issues.
Tips for improving financial transparency in your relationship
Conversations about budgets and bills aren’t always easy but you are entitled to complete transparency about yours and your partner’s shared finances. There are proactive measures you can take to help ensure you have the complete picture.
- Schedule regular check-ins about finances to review balances and expenditure.
- Set clear and mutually agreed boundaries for spending and financial decisions.
- Agree a limit on how much one can spend without consulting the other.
- Together, develop a financial plan that includes setting a budget, managing debts, and defining financial goals.
- Educate yourself to feel more confident when talking about money.
- Take an active role in managing finances so that you remain informed.
- Communicate openly and honestly.
How does financial infidelity compare to adultery?
Although very different, financial infidelity and physical infidelity both involve a breach of trust, and a degree of secrecy and deception within a relationship. Whatever their reason for hiding the truth, discovering your partner has been dishonest is deeply hurtful.
The strain that violating shared agreements and expectations causes to a relationship is significant and can have long-lasting impact. If you suspect your partner has committed financial infidelity in your relationship, seeking professional guidance can help you get your finances back on track and re-establish trust.
Get in touch
With extensive experience in helping couples navigate the complexities of financial issues in relationships, Stowe’s family lawyers are here to support you in achieving amicable and fair solutions to financial disputes.
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