We know the decision to divorce is often the result of multiple issues that have gradually occurred over time. One significant but often unspoken issue that many couples face is the challenge of a sexless marriage.
Here, we aim to provide guidance for those who are in sexless relationships and have begun to contemplate divorce or separation.
What is a sexless marriage?
Put simply, in a sexless marriage, couples have little or no sex.
Opinions vary on how long it takes for a relationship to be described as sexless. Some think it’s going without sex for a year or longer, while others believe going more than a month without physical intimacy means a relationship is sexless.
Defining a sexless marriage
It’s no wonder so much emphasis is put on sex in marriage. After all, it’s this and physical intimacy that often differentiate a romantic relationship from a platonic one. But that doesn’t mean it’s a crucial aspect of all marriages. Whether being in a sexless relationship is an issue or not really depends on the couple.
For this reason, some believe a sexless marriage isn’t defined by frequency of sexual activity but rather by an imbalance between partners’ sexual desires.
For some couples sex isn’t important to either party. They may have had little to no sex from the start of their relationship. Or their relationship might have evolved to comfortably navigate phases of less sex with little concern or impact.
Meanwhile, for others sexual intimacy is a cornerstone of their connection with their partner and any change in frequency or desire has more significant meaning.
The emotional impact
Sometimes when a relationship becomes sexless the emotional impact is profound. Over time, changes in physical intimacy can affect your sense of emotional connection to your partner, shaking the foundation of your relationship.
When this happens, it can feel as though you’ve been rejected, knocking your self-esteem and making you ask yourself if you’re just not compatible or attracted to each like you used to be.
Is separation the answer?
Not all sexless marriages are destined to end. Instead, changes to your sex life might be a sign that you and your partner could benefit from reprioritising your relationship. There are many reasons why couples’ intimacy changes and a lack of sex doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is beyond the point of return.
If other aspects of your relationship are healthy and fulfilling, and you’re both fully committed to each other, it’s likely you can resolve reduced intimacy in time with effort on both parts.
Alternatively, you might both accept that reduced intimacy is right for you in this phase of your marriage.
Addressing lack of intimacy
If you do want to address a lack of physical intimacy in your relationship, collaboration and mutual understanding are key. Ideally your partner will be willing to listen and talk openly about your concerns, sharing their own thoughts and feelings to help you move forward together in a way that works for you both.
However, there are some scenarios that can make resolving things difficult, for example:
Your partner refuses to work on the issue
Overcoming changes in your sex life requires open conversations and a shared commitment so if your spouse is unwilling to discuss or address matters it will make resolving things very difficult.
There are other major relationship issues at play
Chronic conflicts or a loss of love indicate deeper issues in your partnership. Addressing these major issues is a priority.
The impact of infidelity
If lack of sex is caused by, or leads to, adultery or seeking intimacy outside the marriage, this breach of trust can be devastating to a relationship.
Poor communication
Communication is essential for any healthy relationship so a reluctance or discomfort discussing topics like sex can make marital issues deepen and resolving matters extra challenging.
Roommate syndrome
A complete lack of physical and emotional intimacy can lead to what’s sometimes called “roommate syndrome” – when couples have not broken up but are effectively living separate lives. This can create conditions similar to a trial separation and set the scene for divorce.
When to walk away
Life is unpredictable and it’s likely all couples will experience times when desire fluctuates, even if sex is usually a valued part of their relationship.
Maintaining desire in long term relationships can be a challenge and factors like health, parenthood and work, can demand so much energy and focus that there’s less capacity for intimacy or sex.
In otherwise healthy relationships, this isn’t immediately cause for concern. Approaching things with flexibility and understanding can help you and your partner adapt and weather changes for a while without long-term impact. But if things remain unchecked and intimacy doesn’t return, couples can eventually discover that their dynamic has evolved, and they and their partner want different things.
If sex and physical intimacy are important to you yet are absent in your marriage despite efforts to resolve matters with your partner, you might begin to consider separation. If you are questioning the future of your relationship but are unsure what to do, our Stowe talks podcast episode ‘Should I stay, or should I go?’ with Divorce Coach Sue Palmer-Conn, offers some helpful advice.
Practical steps before deciding
Some couples manage to successfully navigate changes to their sex lives. If your relationship has become sexless and you and your partner are ready to get things back on track, here are some steps you can take to reintroduce intimacy.
“Let’s talk about sex”
Perhaps the most important step is to talk to your partner about how you feel. Your other half may not even know that your loss of intimacy is concerning you. It’s also an opportunity to share and explore any personal underlying issues that may be affecting intimacy so you can tackle them together. Honest and frank conversations about needs and desire can help bridge the gap between you and your partner so you can gain a better understanding of what you both want.
Scheduling sex
While it might feel unromantic, scheduling sex – sometimes called ‘maintenance sex’ – can help you prioritise intimacy when life is busy. When it’s been a while, agreeing on a day and sticking to it can remove uncertainty and help rekindle your physical connection.
Consider professional support
If things between you and your partner have moved past talking and scheduling sex, a marriage counsellor or relationship coach could help. Their support and professional guidance could help you understand what’s at the centre of things, and help you establish the best way forward.
Final thoughts
Reintroducing intimacy into a sexless marriage requires open communication and collaboration between both partners. If the love and emotional connection remain, there is hope for rekindling sexual intimacy and strengthening the relationship. For marriages that lack both sex and emotional fulfilment, divorce might offer an opportunity for a couple to redefine their lives for the better.
If you are considering divorce or separation, contact Stowe’s family lawyers for compassionate advice and expert legal support to help you find the best path forward.
