In the digital age, the boundaries of infidelity have shifted. We know where most people stand on physical affairs; extra-marital sex crosses a moral line that was even defined by law. And we know emotional affairs can be destructive to trust in a relationship. But what about digital affairs?
When all it takes to spark an online relationship is a follow request or a DM on social media, is it time to rethink what counts as cheating?
Digital affairs
Over 82% of the UK’s population are active social media users, spending on average close to 2 hours a day across multiple platforms. Whilst, over 95% of internet users visited or used chat and messaging apps in 2023.
We’ve never had more access to other people. At the touch of a button, we can contact friends, exes, acquaintances, and strangers at any time and from anywhere. It’s for these reasons the digital world offers advantages for the unfaithful that the real world can’t match.
For example, digital media removes some of the logistical challenges of cheating in person, like distance and the risk of being seen. In the digital age two people can conduct an affair even when they’re apart.
Not only this, but social media also offers opportunities to interact privately, frequently, and with multiple people. This combination of conveniences allows more time and space to secretly build connections with others before anything physical might evolve.
Blurred boundaries
Before the digital era, cheating was easier to define, typically involving physical or emotional affairs. However, with the rise of social media and online communication, the lines between what constitutes infidelity and what doesn’t have become increasingly blurred.
Even if digital infidelity never results in a physical affair, once your online behaviour becomes driven by desire or emotional attraction to someone else, the trust and integrity of a committed relationship are already compromised.
The digital world has expanded the opportunities for connection, but it has also amplified the risks of emotional affairs, making it easier to hide questionable behaviour and justify actions that, in another context, would clearly be seen as betrayal.
A question of intent
Intent is key when it comes to defining cheating. It’s not just about the actions themselves but the motivations behind them. Simply using social media, like talking to someone in person, isn’t inherently wrong. However, when the objective of online behaviours is to spark an intimate or sexual connection with someone other than a partner, a line is crossed. What may start as harmless interaction can quickly evolve into something more damaging when fuelled by ulterior motives.
What is a digital affair?
Digital affairs can take many forms, from seemingly innocent interactions to more explicit exchanges that betray the trust in a relationship:
- Sending unsolicited or reciprocated messages that are flirtatious, romantic or explicit, with someone other than a partner
- Sharing graphic or intimate images and videos (sexting)
- Hiding messages, likes, or interactions on social media platforms from your partner and others.
- Forming relationships online that rivals or surpasses the connection with your partner.
Any pattern of interactions that undermines or violates the trust and integrity of a committed relationship could be described as cheating.
The link between digital infidelity and emotional affairs
The relative privacy, and limitless access to others, that social media offers makes it a perfect way to begin an emotional affair or engage in micro-cheating.
These both involve forming a deep, often secretive, connection with someone outside your primary relationship. It’s about building an emotional intimacy and reliance that rivals what you have with your partner. Turning to someone else for emotional support or validation is a relationship red flag.
Does digital cheating always lead to physical affairs?
A physical affair isn’t necessarily the aim of digital infidelity. However, social media can certainly help to facilitate emotional connections outside of a relationship, that can develop into an urge for physical closeness, making an affair feel like a natural next step.
How cheating impacts relationships
Discovering your partner has cheated is a life-altering moment. Whether digital, emotional or physical, the sense of betrayal caused by infidelity is overwhelming. It feels as though the implicit trust you placed in your partner has been used against you and can raise destructive feelings like anxiety, worthlessness, insecurity, humiliation, and deep hurt.
It becomes difficult to believe your partner and leaves you wondering if more lies await. For many, the constant vigilance this cycle creates – always being on the lookout for further evidence of cheating – is mentally and emotionally exhausting.
Setting relationship boundaries
A good way to define what counts as cheating in your relationship is by talking it through. What some might consider to be crossing a line, others might be comfortable with so reflect on what actions you want to be off limits and share this with your partner. Discuss your boundaries and what you both consider acceptable.
If you’re experimenting with consensual non-monogamy (ENM) or being in an open relationship, it’s crucial to make sure both parties are clear about what’s okay and that there is mutual consent.
Is digital cheating still cheating?
If boundaries around online behaviour are clearly communicated and a partner knowingly crosses them, then there can be little doubt they have cheated.
Even when digital boundaries are an implicit and unspoken expectation of a relationship, if a partner intended to build an intimate or sexual relationship with someone else, then digital cheating is still considered infidelity.
Whether explicitly discussed or not, crossing those boundaries in pursuit of intimacy outside the relationship undermines the foundation of trust.
My partner’s been cheating on me, what should I do?
If you discover your partner has digitally cheated, it’s natural to feel a surge of anger and hurt. Give yourself time to process these emotions before confronting them, as reacting in the heat of the moment can escalate the situation which won’t help you in the long run.
When you’re ready, have a direct conversation about what happened and ask to know the facts. Be prepared for challenge and difficult emotions on both sides. Express your feelings and how their actions have impacted you and jeopardised the future of your relationship.
Healing from this kind of betrayal won’t happen overnight, and it may take time fr you to decide whether the relationship can be repaired or if it’s time to walk away.
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