Relationships and marriages are not always plain sailing, and we often have to take the rough with the smooth. No marriage is perfect and despite what social media tells us, couples are not always having fun, loving one another and enjoying parenting. It is very normal to go through stages where you may feel bored, or like you and your partner are simply co-existing, rather than sharing the bonds of a loving relationship.
That said, it can be hard to discern if you have fallen out of love with your partner, and if you have, what you can do about it.
How to tell if you’ve fallen out of love
Is it normal to stop feeling in love with your partner? How do you know when a relationship is over?
If you are struggling in your relationship because you think you have fallen out of love with your partner, this might cause a number of feelings to develop. You might feel stressed, upset, maybe even angry.
It is very normal to have ups and downs in a relationship, and there may be periods of time where you feel less enamoured with your partner. The daily grind can often come in between couples, and stop them connecting properly. Conversations can become simply about the tasks that need achieving, who is going to pick up the children, what should we have for dinner, and so on. These lower points can be rebalanced.
However, some people find they have fallen out of love with their partner in a way that is not likely to be recovered by improving connection.
Some top signs that you don’t love your partner might be:
- You are not excited to see them, and you don’t miss them when they are away for long periods
- You are no longer interested in intimacy
- You don’t argue or bicker anymore
- You don’t have conversations beyond what is necessary
- You actively seek out ways to be apart from them
Whilst this is not an exhaustive list, and elements may just signal you need to reconnect, these can be some red flags.
Can you fall back in love with your partner?
In some relationships, couples do re-find the ‘magic’. However, relationships take work, and it needs to be a conscious decision to make the effort. This will need to come from both partners, so it is important you have a conversation about your feelings and try to work through the patch together.
Some tips might be to schedule in alone time, and this does not have to be physical intimacy. Organising dates and actively spending time together will help you to rediscover your connection. You could set boundaries around technology, e.g. no phones at the table, or in the bedroom. Make a conscious effort to show interest in one another.
However, some couples may have drifted, which is ok. In this case, it may not be possible to fall back in love with your partner.
Should I stay or should I go?
Many people who know their relationship has come to an end will remain in it because they think they are too old to start over, or it would be too damaging for children, or fear of judgement.
However, most advice you find online suggests that you should never stay in an unhappy marriage or relationship as this can be more detrimental than leaving.
Ultimately, it is up to you to decide. Whether you do this as a sole decision, or work with your partner to come to an agreement, depends on your unique situation.
What are the stages of ending a relationship?
The stages of ending a relationship depend on your unique situation. However, the first step is usually to have the conversation with your partner about what you are feeling and the decision you have made. Remember this is unlikely to be an easy conversation, and they may be shocked, so allow time and space for grieving for both of you.
In our Beginner’s Guide to Divorce, you can read about the first steps to ending a marriage or civil partnership. If you are an unmarried couple, seek legal advice on your options as you do not have the same rights as married couples.
What support is there?
If you are yet to decide whether you should stay together or go your separate ways, you may find discernment counselling helpful. Discernment counselling is different to marriage counselling, as it focuses on coming to a decision. Marriage counselling assumes that both partners want to work on the marriage. However, discernment counselling is a good method for when one party is leaning away from the relationship. It is not aiming to get the marriage back on track, but to reach a decision based on individual and joint roles in getting to the current stage of the relationship.
Some of our partner divorce coaches at Stowe specialise in discernment counselling.
If you are going through divorce, dissolution, or the breakdown of a cohabiting relationship, it is important you seek expert legal advice. A family lawyer can guide you through the process, give you advice and legal representation for finance and child arrangements, and help you with legal documents.
Alongside this, you may find a therapist, counsellor, or divorce coach helpful for guiding you through the changes relationship breakdown brings.
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