Discovering that your partner has cheated can feel like your world has shattered in an instant. No matter if it’s a one-night stand, a long-term affair, or an emotional connection with someone else, the pain of betrayal is profound and leaves you feeling blindsided.
In those first moments of revelation, you’ll have many questions as you establish the truth. When a partner cheats, what comes next?
Breaking trust
It’s difficult to convey just how much hurt cheating can cause. Affairs damage trust like nothing else, shaking the very foundation of a relationship and causing you to question everything you once believed about your partner and your shared life.
When trust is broken, it isn’t just about the act of cheating itself, it’s the lies, secrecy, rejection and the sense that you may never really know the full truth. This level of betrayal can leave you feeling vulnerable, on constant alert for more deception, making the road to recovery feel impossibly long.
Discovering the truth
How you discover the truth about your wife or husband’s affair can make things even worse.
If your partner cheated and chose to come clean with you, it is still incredibly challenging, but shows a degree of accountability. Letting the details out into the open can be a starting point for honest and constructive conversations about your relationship and its future.
However, stumbling upon the truth or finding out from someone else, not only forces you to initiate vital discussions but it also amplifies the sense of deceit. The shock of finding out in this way can complicate your feelings even more, making it difficult to process what has happened and decide how to move forward.
Is reconciliation possible or is it time to walk away?
Deciding what to do next is an incredibly personal decision. Some will instinctively know there’s no going back; an affair crosses an integral boundary they can’t return from marking the end of their relationship almost automatically. For others it’s not so black and white.
Learning a partner has cheated can cast huge confusion and uncertainty over the future. Ultimately there are two key questions to ask yourself; is it possible to recover from the affair, and if so, do you want to?
It’s not uncommon for betrayed partners to delay decisions to bide themselves time to process thoughts and feelings. Understandable when the situation often comes out of the blue. Some might even feel pressure to push feelings aside to hold everything together for appearances or to protect children.
Your partner’s reaction and how that impacts you
Meanwhile, on top of everything you’re feeling, you’re also contending with your partner’s reaction and how that influences you. Perhaps they’re struggling with their own guilt or shame or making fresh promises about the future. They may try to persuade you to stay together, unfairly putting the weight of responsibility for the decision to separate on you. Alternatively, they might fail to fully grasp the pain their actions have caused and insist their behaviour is justifiable, or even caused by you.
Navigating your partner’s response can be just as overwhelming as dealing with your own emotions. Their reaction, whether remorseful or defensive, adds another layer of complexity to an already fragile situation.
Beyond the overwhelming emotions of discovering your partner has cheated, there are practical challenges you didn’t expect to face, too.
Should the cheating partner move out?
This decision largely depends on what feels right for you. Some people need space to process the betrayal and re-evaluate what they want, while others prefer to stay under the same roof to address the issues head-on. There’s no right or wrong answer, only what works best for you.
It’s important to remember that you don’t need to have all the answers at once. Giving yourself time and space, both physically and emotionally, can be crucial in sorting through your feelings. Taking a break from your partner, whether through a trial separation or simply creating separate personal space within the home, can help with much-needed clarity.
Protecting children from the fall out of an affair
Decisions can be even more complicated if you have children, when what feels like the right solution for you might feel at odds with what’s in their best interests.
On top of that, knowing what to tell them can be difficult when you’re still coming to terms with what’s happened yourself. Whilst it’s natural to feel angry about what’s happened, it’s crucial to shield children from the painful and complex details of a parent’s affair. Sharing too much information can be confusing and overwhelming for young minds and strain their relationship with both parents. Talk to them about what’s happening using age-appropriate explanations and plenty of reassurance and love.
Should we tell other people?
Many people believe that when a partner is unfaithful, they forfeit the right to keep the details of their actions private. And there’s no question that if your partner has cheated, the need for others to know who is responsible for what’s happening can be very strong.
That said, the betrayal felt after a partner cheats can make it deeply difficult to share what you’re going through and telling others what’s happened can feel like you’re multiplying the hurt.
What you choose to tell others about your marriage is down to you. Confiding in trusted friends and family can help the people who care about you to see your perspective and understand how to support you. But be mindful that if you’re undecided about what to do next, too many outside opinions can cloud your judgment about whether to stay or leave.
Over-sharing could also affect the long-term dynamics if you do decide to stay together and work on the relationship. It may be more helpful to seek objective advice from a therapist, divorce coach, or family lawyer who can guide you through the emotional and practical considerations without bias so you can make a fully informed decision.
Can our relationship recover from cheating?
That’s a difficult question, only you can answer. With effort and clearly defined boundaries some couples do manage to overcome an affair and repair their relationship. However, this is no small task. Crucially, the person who cheated must take full responsibility for their actions and work to regain trust through complete transparency. It will take time, patience, and open and honest communication. Both you and our partner will need to be fully committed to the healing process. As the betrayed partner, it can be uncomfortable to push through hurt and fear and work towards forgiveness.
Even with the best intentions, recovery may not always be possible. Lingering doubts and constant vigilance may keep you trapped in a cycle of suspicion. This mental exhaustion can prevent true reconciliation and create further strain on the relationship not to mention your emotional wellbeing. It’s essential to be honest with yourself about whether rebuilding trust is possible, or if the relationship has become irreparable.
The legal implications of adultery in the UK
Whilst an affair, also known as adultery, can shatter the emotional fabric of a marriage, it has no bearing on the divorce process or it’s outcomes, including financial agreements, property and asset division or arrangements for children. Instead, in UK law, divorce settlements are based on factors like the welfare of children, income, assets, and each partner’s financial needs. Whatever has happened between you and your spouse, the only basis for divorce in the UK is that one of you feels your marriage is beyond repair.
The no-fault laws introduced in 2022 removed the legal need to assign fault in divorce. Although the changes were widely welcomed, it can be tough for betrayed partners who may feel the legal system no longer offers the validation, or sense of justice, that the law once provided.
However, there are many advantages to the no fault approach. The law reform simplified divorce considerably, removing arbitrary deadlines for filing divorce on the grounds of adultery and modernising the process. It removed the narrow legal definition of adultery, which overlooked same-sex affairs, sexual acts other than intercourse, and equally damaging forms of infidelity like digital cheating and emotional affairs. No-fault divorce also removed the ordeal of gathering evidence to prove your spouse had been unfaithful and perhaps most importantly, since 2022, it’s no longer possible to refuse a divorce on any grounds making it easier to leave an unhappy marriage.
Is divorce the only option after an affair?
Whilst a partner cheating is one of the most cited reasons for divorce, it’s not necessarily the only path forward. In making this decision, several factors come into play including the history of your relationship and the willingness of both partners to do the emotional work.
Every relationship is different, and what feels like a deal-breaker for some may become a turning point for others. Some couples find that the affair forces them to confront deeper issues in their relationship, leading to healing and a renewed bond.
For others, however, the pain of betrayal is too deep to overcome, and divorce becomes a necessary step towards putting an unhappy period of life behind them and reclaiming happiness.
Final thoughts
Whatever you decide to do, after discovering your partner has cheated, it’s essential to prioritise your emotional health throughout the process. Surround yourself with trusted friends, family, and professionals who can offer support without judgment.
And most importantly, give yourself the grace to process the hurt at your own pace. Rushing to make a decision, or ignoring your emotions in favour of stability, may only lead to more unhappiness down the road.
Helpful links
Read more about How to support children through divorce.
Download our Beginner’s guide to divorce
