If you’ve been in your marriage for years but feel like the spark has faded over time, you’re not alone. Growing apart is one of the most common reasons for divorce and separation. You’ve tried to resolve things and bridge the gap between you and your partner, but your feelings of unfulfillment haven’t gone away. You still love them as a person, but the emotional and romantic connection that was once there has gone. You’re just not happy anymore, but questioning whether unhappiness is a ‘good enough’ reason for divorce?
If this sounds like you, we understand the emotional conflict it brings. You want to protect your partner’s feelings, but the fear of hurting someone you care about can feel overwhelming and even paralysing.
Is unhappiness enough of a reason for divorce?
Marriages end for all sorts of reasons, often with no one root cause like an affair. One of the most challenging internal battles is the feeling that simply being unhappy isn’t a “good enough” reason to justify divorce. There are often layers of doubt that come with this, especially is your spouse hasn’t done anything wrong. Can you end the marriage based on a feeling?
The truth is unhappiness matters. Feeling disconnected, unfulfilled, and like you’ve lost yourself in the relationship isn’t trivial. Ignoring those feelings doesn’t make them go away.
Is divorce selfish?
When you’ve reached the conclusion that your marriage is over, it’s natural to wonder about the impact of your decisions. But your unhappiness is valid. It’s not selfish to want more from life, from your relationship, and from yourself. Staying in a marriage because of the fear of upsetting your partner, or because of expectations, can eventually lead to deeper resentment.
The fear of hurting your spouse
The thought of telling your spouse you want a divorce can seem unbearable. How do you tell them? What do you say? There is, no way to approach this conversation without some level of hurt, and that’s what makes it so challenging.
It’s important to remember that hiding the truth to protect your partner doesn’t spare them in the long run. Being truthful about the way you feel is a way to honour your past. It means you can both see the whole picture, giving you equal opportunity to move forward however difficult that process may be.
How to approach the conversation
If you’re ready to share the way you feel, the next hurdle is figuring out how to have that conversation with your wife or husband. Here are a few helpful tips to consider:
Be honest but compassionate
Start by being honest about how you’re feeling. Acknowledge the time you’ve spent together, the family you’ve built, and the qualities you appreciate in them. Let them know that your decision is not about assigning blame but rather about your own emotional journey. Frame the conversation as a reflection of your feelings and needs rather than a critique of their character.
Prepare for their reaction
It’s impossible to predict exactly how your spouse will respond to the news. While you’ve had as much time as you need to process the way you feel, for your partner it will just be beginning. They may be shocked, hurt, angry, or even relieved if they’ve sensed that something had changed.
No matter how they react, be prepared to give them the time and space they need. They may feel confused and need answers to fully understand why you’re unhappy and what you want. It’s important to remain calm and patient, knowing that their immediate reaction may not be their final stance in the long run.
Acknowledge the practical considerations
If you both share finances, a home, children or a business, the practical concerns will inevitably come up. In this moment, it’s not about figuring out every logistical detail. That will take time and you don’t need to have all the answers immediately. But you can reassure them that you are committed to handling things thoughtfully, with minimum disruption and the best interests of everyone involved.
Stick to your truth, even through the pain
This conversation will likely bring up guilt, sadness, and second-guessing. It can be tempting to exaggerate the facts to justify your feelings or speak in vague terms and hope that they’ll read between the lines, but it’s important to be frank and trust that your happiness is important. Honesty sets the tone for how you want to navigate separation and the evolution of your relationship.
Moving forward with respect and dignity
As much as you don’t want to hurt your spouse, living in a relationship where your emotional needs are unmet isn’t sustainable. The road ahead might be uncertain and difficult at times, but what you’re really looking for is a life that feels true to who you are.
Divorce is never easy, but staying in an unhappy relationship out of obligation or avoidance is unlikely to bring you real fulfillment. By approaching the conversation with compassion, honesty, and respect, you can start to create space for both of you to think about what your future could look like.
Getting expert advice
If you’re ready to take the next step and discuss divorce with your partner, it’s a good idea to prepare yourself by talking to a specialist family lawyer. This will help ensure the decisions you make are fair for both of you. Things like finances and kids can get tricky, even when ex-partners still get on. So, having expert advice on the important things helps you make better choices, so you can both move forward in a fair and positive way.
The support of a divorce coach can also be invaluable. A divorce coach can support you through the emotional challenges of separation, reducing stress and anxiety and shifting your perspective to help you pave a way ahead.
Useful links
Divorce talks – Tips for respectful discussions with your ex
This article basically says, if you’re unhappy you should feel okay about asking your partner for a divorce. The article’s answer to the title question is basically, yes. That seems pretty harsh.
My point is that it seems to paint a picture of a dichotomy. The two options are stay in an unhappy marriage, or leave. I would agree that no-one should just tolerate misery. But what happened to trying to talk to your partner? Maybe let them know you’re unhappy. Maybe try and address some of the issues. Maybe they’re unhappy too? Maybe it’s possible to work on it. Maybe is isn’t.
If someone has already tried their best to do the work, and it just hasn’t been possible, for whatever reason, then fair enough. But encouraging people to just bail on their marriage doesn’t seem healthy. There could be kids involved, in which case you could be looking at co-parenting, custody. Again, no-one should just put up with an unhappy relationship. But divorce can also be very hard, with no guarantees of happiness in the long run.
Does the article take this black and white view because a law company has a vested interest in seeing couples get divorced?