The pressures of the cost of living continue to sit at the very heart of many relationship breakdowns. In the post-pandemic years, as prices, mortgages and bills have sometimes suddenly, and sometimes gradually, increased, financial tensions have often brought couples to the brink of relationship breakdown. In some cases, couples are tipped over the edge and call time on their marriage.
Money is often a difficult topic between couples, especially where it is felt there is an unequal financial contribution. One person may be ‘the breadwinner’, bringing in the regular income and potentially wealth from before the marriage. Especially in marriages with children, one party will often take a step back from earning in order to take care of the children and the household.
Relationships rarely end in one dramatic event – it is often a slow, sometimes unnoticeable, erosion of trust.
Whilst money is one of the major triggers in marital breakdown, it is also the reason why couples struggle to physically separate, even after they have decided to divorce. The cost of running two households out of the single matrimonial pot is often too much for separating couples to consider in the immediate term.
This has led to a rise in what is being coined the ‘no split divorce’.
What is a no-split divorce?
A no-split divorce is a set up where a couple who have decided to legally end their marriage are unable to physically move out of the family home. Neither party can afford to buy the other out, or run a household on a sole income.
The couple will emotionally and practically separate and sometimes even begin the divorce process. However, they will remain living in the same home.
Some couples will only do this for a few weeks, to a month. For others it could be many months or even a year.
Can I still get divorced if I live with my ex?
You are absolutely legally permitted to pursue a divorce if you still live with your ex. Divorce does not require you to physically separate, as long as your marriage has broken down irretrievably, you can file a divorce application.
However, whilst legally feasible, the practicalities may be more difficult to navigate.
- Physically under one roof
Remaining under one roof whilst separated can cause tensions. Space is often limited especially if there are children, as you will have chosen your family home based on the presumption you would be happy sharing personal and communal spaces.
Tensions can lead to arguments, and there is a heightened risk of domestic abuse.
- Financial elements
Most couples throughout their marriage will have some shared finances. This could be bank accounts, a joint mortgage, savings etc. Relationship breakdown will likely mean transferring these assets into one party’s sole name. However, before a financial settlement is reached, both you and your ex are jointly liable for bills and often mortgage payments (depending on the way your property is held). There may need to be some complicated discussions about how to manage routine payments such as through interim maintenance.
- Childcare
If you have children, living together apart can be complicated. Children are extremely intuitive and will pick up on changes in dynamics, even if you refrain from telling them you have separated.
Divorce and separation also raise questions around ongoing childcare arrangements. You might need to change your routine which, if not communicated sensitively, can confuse and upset children.
Does living together apart work?
For some couples, a no-split divorce, or living together apart, can work on a temporary basis whilst alternative arrangements are found.
However, it is not a long-term solution. Living together when your marriage has ended causes considerable strain, and can impact your ongoing relationship with your ex. It increases stress and upset, and blurs the lines between married and separated.
Where children are involved, confusion can become upset. The impact can be felt wider than the home, potentially into friendships and education.
There are alternative options which mean you and your ex can limit expenses whilst you proceed with your divorce. For example, birdnesting is increasingly common; each parent rotates in and out of the family home whilst the children remain. Parents will stay with friends or family, or find a cheaper living arrangement than buying home. It’s important that this again is a temporary measure – whilst it provides stability for the children, it is practically and emotionally draining on parents.
Are there any protections?
If you temporarily have to remain living with your ex for financial reasons, it is important that you seek legal advice to ensure you have the right protections in place. One of the options could be a separation agreement.
A separation agreement is a written contract between you and your ex. It is usually used for couples who are choosing to live separately whilst they work out whether they want to remain in a relationship. However, it can also work for separated couples who are living together. Separation agreements outline:
- How property will be managed
- Who pays bills
- How shared bank accounts will be managed
Whilst separation agreements are not legally binding they can lay the groundwork for a more amicable living together apart set up. These agreements can also be used in the event of a dispute, for example as evidence in mediation negotiations should you and you ex reach an impasse.
Find out more about separation agreements.
Useful Links
Keeping children at the centre – not in the middle – of divorce and separation
Staying together for the kids? Why that might be doing more harm than good
