It deserves time, honesty, and deep reflection.
Do I want to be with my partner, or do I need to be with them?
For you to be considering divorce, there must be signs that your marriage could be over, but one of the key questions I often invite people to sit with is this: Are you with your spouse because you want to be with them, or because you feel you cannot be without them?
If it is the first, it usually means you are meeting your partner as a fully independent person. You choose them, rather than need them. If they were suddenly removed from your life, there would be a painful emotional gap, of course. You might grieve the shared memories, the companionship, and the love. But your life would still feel whole. You would still have friends, interests, a sense of identity, and a foundation to stand on.
If it is the latter, it can be a sign that over the years you have slowly lost parts of yourself. Lives blend in marriage, and that is natural. But sometimes, in the process, people give up too much of who they are. When that happens, the idea of separation can feel not just sad, but overwhelming, because it can feel like losing yourself as well as your partner.
@lifelovelawpodcast How do you know it’s time to divorce? It’s not one-size-fits-all, but if deep down you feel this isn’t what you want, it’s a sign something needs to change. And that doesn’t always mean divorce – but it’s definitely time to listen to that gut feeling. ❣️ #divorce #divorcecommunity #divorceadvice ♬ original sound – Life, Love & The Law Podcast
When is it time to divorce?
It can be hard to tell when your marriage is over, as it is one of the most important relationships in a person’s life. It can be as simple as becoming unhappy in your relationship that makes you want a divorce, but there are some other reasons that people seek to end their marriage.
Some of the main reasons are:
- Abuse: Abuse takes many forms: physical, emotional, financial, sexual and mental. But one thing remains the same; it is never the survivor’s fault. If this is happening to you, please seek out help immediately. We also have expert domestic violence & domestic abuse solicitors to help legally navigate this.
- Infidelity (adultery): This is one of the leading causes of divorce in the UK and is one of the most damaging things that can happen in a relationship. Whether it is an emotional or physical affair, it usually means trust is broken.
- Financial issues: This is another major reason why couples divorce. If a partner is being irresponsible with joint finances, hiding money from one another, or even controlling another’s spending habits.
- Poor communication: When it feels like every conversation or discussion turns into an argument, this can be damaging to a relationship. Also, if issues are ignored or swept under the rug, this can lead to issues in a relationship. If you have actively tried to work on your communication together but are still in the same position, this is a reason many decide to leave a relationship.
- Loss of connection: Feeling like you are living separate lives, feeling lonely in your relationship and losing shared time or interests can all be signs that your relationship is ending. While a relationship is a partnership and there is a lot of life admin you both need to attend to, there should still be a romantic spark.
Could your relationship evolve or adapt? Questions to ask yourself
A helpful exercise is to imagine, gently and without judgement, that your spouse was removed from your life overnight.
- Would your life still feel complete?
- Would you still have people to see, places to go, hobbies?
- Would you feel financially capable of supporting yourself?
- Would you recognise who you are outside of the relationship?
Those who answer no to the above, often feel they have lost themselves along the way. I often suggest pausing here before making any final decisions. This can be a powerful opportunity to rebuild your own sense of self. That might mean nurturing friendships you have neglected, rediscovering old hobbies, or exploring new ones. It could involve strengthening your financial resilience, whether by returning to work, upskilling, or building some personal savings. Small, practical steps can go a long way in restoring confidence and independence.
Does independence mean I no longer want to be with my partner?
Being independent does not mean you stop wanting or valuing your partner. It does not mean you no longer need emotional connection, love, or shared experiences. It simply means you are a fully rounded person in your own right. From that place, you can look at your relationship more clearly and ask, with honesty rather than fear: do I want to get divorced? Then, and only then, can you consider practical realities: children’s wellbeing, financial stability, and legal matters.
Making the right decision, with clarity
Moving from ‘need’ to ‘choice’ is not easy, but it is empowering. It allows any decision you make to come from confidence in your ability to live, grow, and build a meaningful life – whatever path you ultimately choose. By reflecting carefully, you can confidently come to an answer for the most important question: should I get divorced or not?
Chloe says:
“Many people stay because they need the other person. The real test is whether, if all your fears disappeared tomorrow, you would still want to be with them.”
Get in touch
If you are thinking of starting your divorce proceedings or you would like further advice, please do reach out to our Client Services Team to speak to one of our specialist divorce lawyers.
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Originally published February 2026
