Mum-shaming is thriving on social media, but its effects go far beyond online posts. In divorce and child custody cases, this toxic behaviour can damage reputations and disrupt relationships, co-parenting and the children. And it can affect dads just as much as mums.
When actress Sophie Turner was torn apart online for daring to enjoy a night out at an Oasis concert while her children were with their dad, I wasn’t shocked.
Why? Because I frequently see it show up with my clients. Mum-shaming isn’t confined to Instagram. It regularly sneaks into divorce and parenting afterwards and can be used to cast doubt on a mother’s competence.
The moment a woman becomes a mother, she’s tied to an unachievable standard: that she has to be always present, always selfless, never tired, never human. Meanwhile, some fathers get a pat on the back for doing the bare minimum.
If a celebrity with a co-parenting arrangement can be publicly condemned for taking time for herself, what chance do everyday mums have?
What is mum-shaming?
Mum-shaming is the practice of criticising, belittling, or judging a mother for the choices she makes in raising her children, whether that’s her career, her lifestyle or her parenting style.
It’s more than casual criticism; it’s a societal double standard that holds mothers to impossible expectations while excusing fathers for doing less.
Mum-shaming shows up in all sorts of ways. Comments like “You’re selfish for taking time for yourself,” or “How can you work full-time and still be a good mother?” or “You’re out again! Where are the kids?” aren’t just rude; they’re designed to undermine a mother’s credibility.
Even seemingly innocent jabs, like “Going on holiday without the kids? I could never do that”, carry the same message: that a mother’s needs and independence are less important than her children’s constant supervision and they should be judged if they put themselves first once in a while.
The impact of mum-shaming
Mum-shaming isn’t just hurtful. It fosters guilt, anxiety and self-doubt, forcing mothers to second-guess their every move. Children feel it too. They notice the tension, internalise the negativity and learn that parenting is about perfection, not love. Over time, mum-shaming erodes trust, security and respect in the family unit. When one parent spends their time undermining the other, they’re not protecting the children — they’re dragging them into the middle of a loyalty war.
But it does happen to dads too
While this piece focuses on mum-shaming, fathers aren’t immune. Dad-shaming can sound slightly different, such as “Really, babysitting your own kids?” or “Oh, you’re the part-time parent.” or “I bet mum does all the real work.” Comments that frame dads as secondary carers and devalue their role.
These digs can be used to paint fathers as disengaged, incompetent, or only interested in the “easy” parts of parenting. Just like mum-shaming, it damages co-parenting, confuses children, and distracts from what truly matters — the child’s best interests.
Parent-shaming as a tactic in divorce and parenting
Parent-shaming in divorce isn’t just mean — it’s a power play. Whether it comes from an ex-partner, extended family, or even social media, attacks on your parenting decisions can undermine your authority and make co-parenting far more difficult.
The impact is real and lasting. Shaming breeds resentment, sparks arguments over schedules and routines, and drags children into conflicts they never asked for. Kids can feel torn, anxious, or guilty, while parents waste energy defending themselves instead of collaborating.
What can you do if you are being parent-shamed?
As a divorce coach, I always tell clients struggling with this: don’t take the bait. You don’t need to react to every comment, text, or dig. You can choose not to respond and focus your energy where it matters most: your children and your parenting.
Some top tips
Pick your battles. Let minor digs slide; only challenge what truly affects your children.
Document strategically. Keep records of important events and patterns — not every complaint.
Lead with your parenting. Role-model, show reliability, consistency, and be a stable, caring parent.
Stay grounded. Calm, measured responses protect your credibility and your peace of mind.
Remember, your goal isn’t to prove them wrong in every conversation; it’s to make sure the right story is told in the places that matter.
Getting the right support
Getting the right team of people around you will help you to strip away the noise and get the focus back where it belongs: your children’s best interests.
A divorce coach can help you navigate the emotional storm, stay calm under pressure, and make smart, strategic choices. They can also guide you in building healthier co-parenting dynamics or, if that’s not possible, setting boundaries through parallel parenting to reduce conflict.
A family solicitor can protect you legally, documenting issues, guiding you through processes and keeping the spotlight firmly on the evidence that truly matters. Together, they help you protect your children from the fallout and keep your parenting on track.
Focus on what’s important
Mum or dad-shaming is toxic, manipulative and rooted in outdated gender roles. If you’re a parent facing it, remember this: being a good parent isn’t about pleasing critics or winning approval. It’s about raising children who feel safe, loved, and respected and that starts with shutting out the noise and focusing on what truly matters.
I know and have worked with many wonderful mums, dads, grandparents and guardians. Whatever the family make-up, they show up every day and do all they can for their children. Let’s celebrate them.
You can find out more about the work Kate does supporting people going through every stage of divorce here.
Useful links
Keeping children at the centre – not the middle – of separation and divorce
Navigating parenting with a difficult ex-partner with Tom Nash
