Everyone has arguments or disagrees with their partners from time to time. However, if this starts to become a regular occurrence, or if you feel unsafe around your partner, then it is important to spot the warning signs of domestic abuse and get the support you need.
Domestic abuse is defined as an incident or string of incidents that include degrading, controlling, coercive and violent behaviour. In England and Wales, the police receive over 100 calls relating to domestic abuse every hour.
Abuse in relationships isn’t always easy to notice, and with many abusers, their coercion and manipulation tactics can often manifest slowly and inconspicuously.
Recognising abuse when you see it is one of the first steps toward helping yourself, or someone you care for, stay safe. If you want to get to know the potential red flags of an abusive relationship see the main ones below.
Red Flags In A Relationship
1. Early in the relationship, did your partner shower you with gifts, compliments, or even declarations of love, which caught you off-guard?
While in some relationships, it’s part of a person’s natural personality and love language to show affection via gift-giving, this can also be indicative of a process called love bombing.
Love bombing is when a partner you’re newly dating serenades you with gifts and over-the-top gestures, therefore creating the illusion of romance and charm. However, these grandiose efforts may also feel sudden, overwhelming, and intense, and can ultimately lead to increased pressure to commit. Love bombing is a controlling and manipulation tactic that is often used by abusers and narcissists in an attempt to influence a person through flattery and affection. In the beginning, love bombing may make a relationship feel amazing, but soon the façade will wear thin and is replaced by emotional abuse.
2. Does your partner refuse to communicate or cooperate when there is an issue?
While shutting down or avoiding conversations that cause stress can be a coping mechanism for a number of people and is often done unintentionally, abusers may also do this in order to control their partner.
Stonewalling is a term used to describe a person who deliberately refuses to communicate with their partner as a manipulation strategy. This can be exhibited in a number of ways, including:
- Ignoring what the other person is saying
- Giving you the ‘silent treatment’
- A refusal to answer questions
- Using dismissive body language
- Exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviours
3. Does your partner ever belittle, mimic, or humiliate you?
Belittling or humiliating a partner can be an emotional abuse tactic, leading the other person to question their worth and making them feel small and unimportant. This can manifest in many ways, including hurtful jokes or trivialising the other person’s thoughts and beliefs. Over time, this can create an increased dependency on the abuser, due to the victim’s perceived vulnerabilities and feelings of insignificance.
4. Do you feel that you cannot freely express your feelings, needs, or desires, without worrying about how your partner will react?
If you constantly feel as if you’re walking on eggshells around your partner, or that you can’t express your true feelings for fear that it may cause conflict, this may be a sign that your relationship is unhealthy.
Unpredictable behaviours and emotional outbursts in partners can be scary. It can also make the other partner feel as if they’re trapped or even being controlled by their partner’s emotions.
5. Do you find that your partner constantly criticises everything that you do?
A partner criticising everything you’re doing can be a hurtful and demoralising experience. Frequent criticism can also often have a knock-on effect on your confidence, and can make you undermine your own abilities and self-worth.
6. Has your partner ever told you that you’re too sensitive or overreacting?
A partner consistently making you question your own feelings, thoughts and reality is a form of emotional abuse known as gaslighting. Making a person feel they can no longer trust their own judgement and perceptions lends a lot of power and control to an abuser. Victims of gaslighting are also more likely to stay in a relationship, as they can no longer believe their own thoughts and instincts.
7. Does your partner ever dissuade you from seeing/speaking to friends or family, causing a sense of isolation?
Isolating an individual from friends and family is a common tactic used in abusive relationships. It can lead to the victim becoming extremely dependent on their abuser.
8. Does your partner prevent you from being friends with people of the opposite sex?
While your partner having opposite-sex friends can be a bit of an unnerving thought for some individuals, acting on this insecurity and preventing your partner from seeing people is generally considered to be controlling.
9. Are there inconsistencies between what your partner says and what they do?
Abusers and narcissists may manipulate their partners by displaying intense feelings of love and affection one minute, and being cold and dismissive the next. This hot and cold behaviour is a common tactic used to make a victim dismiss the latter behaviour because of the former behaviour they exhibit. The pleasant gestures tend to wear thin and be replaced by coercive and degrading behaviours.
10. Does your partner rigidly manage your finances, prevent you from accessing your money, or even deny you the opportunity to work?
Financial manipulation often occurs when a partner assumes complete control over their partner’s money in an effort to coerce and control the victim. This can create an abusive power dynamic where the victim’s freedom of movement is restricted.
11. Does your partner act possessive or extremely jealous?
Unhealthy jealousy from a partner can be a warning sign that you’re in an abusive relationship. In some situations, extreme jealousy can lead an abusive partner to monitor their partner’s communications and movements, and even control what they do.
12. Does your partner call you numerous times when you’re out, or interrogate you about where you’ve been?
While a partner asking questions and having a genuine interest in what you’re up to is normal, interrogating you and making you feel like you’re being tracked is not. Calling you excessively or demanding to know your whereabouts 24/7 is a warning sign you’re in an abusive relationship.
13. Are you made to feel like you can’t take care of yourself or make your own decisions?
Questioning your own sanity and having low self-worth in a relationship may be the direct result of being in an abusive relationship. Abusers tend to manipulate their victims into not being able to trust their own judgements. Over time, they also chip away at their partner’s confidence through frequent criticism and belittlement.
14. Has your partner ever made threats of violence?
Threats of violence are one of the most obvious signs you’re in an abusive relationship. This can make the victim feel afraid and helpless, and less likely to leave the relationship out of fear.
15. Does your partner constantly minimise and downplay your accomplishments and aspirations?
A partner repeatedly discounting and minimising your goals and successes can make the partner feel insecure and worthless. This can cause a victim to rely on their abuser even more. A partner frequently invalidating you can be a warning sign you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.
16. Does your partner monitor or restrict your social media activity?
Online domestic abuse can include behaviours such as monitoring and restricting their partner’s social media activity, reading private emails, or even spying on their phone.
17. Does your partner exhibit any of the following traits:
- An inflated sense of ego
- A lack of empathy
- A need for excessive admiration
- An obsessive fixation on money, wealth, and success
- An inability to hold down friendships?
If your partner frequently exhibits most of these traits, there’s a chance that they could be a narcissist and you may want to seek help. If your partner does have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to end the relationship. However, it’s advisable to create strong boundaries, have a good support network and manage your expectations.
18. Do you ever feel afraid or unsafe around your partner?
If you ever feel unsafe or afraid in a relationship, there is the potential that your partner may be abusive, and you should seek help and protection immediately.
Resources
Many people in abusive, coercive, or controlling relationships do not recognise their predicament, or may feel unable to escape. Equally, men in abusive relationships may feel embarrassed to seek help or speak out.
If you’d like to seek support regarding your relationship, even if it is to simply speak to a professional to ascertain whether you may be in an abusive or coercive relationship, here are some resources to help:
- NHS, getting help for domestic violence and abuse: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/
- Refuge, for women and children against domestic violence: https://refuge.org.uk/
- National domestic abuse helpline: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
- Women’s Aid: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
- Government, how to get help: https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
- Victim support: https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/
- Men’s advice line, for men in abusive situations: https://mensadviceline.org.uk/
- Citizen’s Advice: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/
If you are in immediate danger, please call 999 for emergency services.
If you need help covering your tracks online, head to this useful resource for more information.
