Many of the clients who come to see me, certified divorce coach Chloe Oudiz, are standing at a crossroads, asking themselves: should I get divorced? It is, without question, one of the most frightening and significant decisions a person can make. It deserves time, honesty, and deep reflection.
Do I want to be with my partner, or do I need to be with them?
For you to be considering divorce, there must be signs that your marriage could be over, but one of the key questions I often invite people to sit with is this: are you with your spouse because you want to be with them, or because you feel you cannot be without them?
If it is the first, it usually means you are meeting your partner as a fully independent person. You choose them, rather than need them. If they were suddenly removed from your life, there would be a painful emotional gap, of course. You might grieve the shared memories, the companionship, and the love. But your life would still feel whole. You would still have friends, interests, a sense of identity, and a foundation to stand on.
If it is the latter, it can be a sign that over the years you have slowly lost parts of yourself. Lives blend in marriage, and that is natural. But sometimes, in the process, people give up too much of who they are. When that happens, the idea of separation can feel not just sad, but overwhelming, because it can feel like losing yourself as well as your partner.
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Could your relationship evolve or adapt?
Questions to ask yourself:
A helpful exercise is to imagine, gently and without judgement, that your spouse was removed from your life overnight.
- Would your life still feel complete?
- Would you still have people to see, places to go, hobbies?
- Would you feel financially capable of supporting yourself?
- Would you recognise who you are outside of the relationship?
Those who answer no to the above, often feel they have lost themselves along the way. I often suggest pausing here before making any final decisions. This can be a powerful opportunity to rebuild your own sense of self. That might mean nurturing friendships you have neglected, rediscovering old hobbies, or exploring new ones. It could involve strengthening your financial resilience, whether by returning to work, upskilling, or building some personal savings. Small, practical steps can go a long way in restoring confidence and independence.
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Does independence mean I no longer want to be with my partner?
Being independent does not mean you stop wanting or valuing your partner. It does not mean you no longer need emotional connection, love, or shared experiences. It simply means you are a fully rounded person in your own right. From that place, you can look at your relationship more clearly and ask, with honesty rather than fear: do I want to get divorced? Then, and only then, can you consider practical realities: children’s wellbeing, financial stability, and legal matters.
Making the right decision, with clarity
Moving from ‘need’ to ‘choice’ is not easy, but it is empowering. It allows any decision you make to come from confidence in your ability to live, grow, and build a meaningful life – whatever path you ultimately choose. By reflecting carefully, you can confidently come to an answer for the most important question: should I get divorced or not?
More about Chloe Oudiz
Chloe Oudiz, The Divorce and Separation Coach, is a certified divorce coach. She is the leading coach for expats and international families. She has extensive experience with guiding clients through the emotional strains of divorce and supporting them from the decision phase, right through into post-divorce life.
