Drawing on her work as a certified divorce coach, Kate Nestor shares the most common signs she sees in clients struggling to determine whether their marriage is ending and why clarity often comes gradually rather than suddenly.
Many people recognise the feeling: a gradual, uneasy sense that something isn’t right. Emotions begin to close down, indifference creeps in, and the energy to keep trying slowly fades.
This is often the point at which one of the hardest and most important questions arises: not “How do I leave?” but “How do I know if my marriage is over?”
People are often surprised to learn that I work with clients who are deciding whether to stay in their marriage. But this uncertainty is very common. While every relationship is different, there is rarely a single dramatic moment or obvious betrayal. More often, it’s a slow, unsettling shift: things left unsaid, voices unheard, and a quiet but growing distance between partners.
What are the signs that indicate a marriage needs professional help?
While every relationship is different, certain patterns and signs recur. Below are the five main red flags in a marriage that I see as a divorce coach.
1. You feel more like housemates than partners
One of the most common things clients say is: “We live together, but we’re more like housemates than partners.” On the surface, couples often continue to function well. Life is busy: managing the household, parenting, sharing finances and these practical demands can distract from what is happening emotionally.
Over time, however, things start to feel flat and disconnected. Conversations become purely practical. There is little curiosity about each other’s inner world. Affection, humour, and shared enjoyment quietly disappear. This emotional distance can eventually feel lonelier than being alone.
2. You are emotionally numb
Another pattern I see often is emotional numbness. Clients tell me they no longer feel particularly sad or angry; they simply feel empty. They describe reaching a point where they can’t even cry. The emotional intensity has gone, replaced by a quiet sense of loneliness and disconnection.
This numbness usually isn’t sudden. It develops after a long period of trying to be heard, understood, or met emotionally. When your voice hasn’t been heard for a long time, switching off can become a coping mechanism. Feeling emotionally numb around the person you should feel closest to may indicate that something important in the relationship has been lost.
3. You no longer turn to your partner first
In healthy relationships, partners are often the first people we turn to with worries, frustrations, or achievements: the first person we message or call.
A common sign that a marriage is in trouble is when people begin seeking emotional connection elsewhere. They may share significant events or feelings with friends or family before their partner, or stop seeking their partner’s support altogether.
This isn’t always deliberate. Often, it’s a protective response, a way of avoiding disappointment or conflict. Over time, however, it weakens the emotional bond between partners.
4. You imagine a future without them in it
This is often one of the most unsettling signs. Clients sometimes say they catch themselves fantasising about living alone, feeling relief at the idea of separation, or struggling to picture growing old together. One client once told me she found herself hoping her husband would have an affair, simply so the marriage could end without her having to make the decision.
Thoughts like these can bring guilt and fear, leaving people emotionally paralysed. In coaching, I often use future-focused visualisation exercises to help clients explore what they want their future to look like rather than what they feel is expected of them.
5. You’ve stopped trying to fix things
Another pattern I see often is when people stop trying to make things work, not because they don’t care, but because they’ve been trying for a long time and it no longer feels possible. They describe having tried conversations, compromises, and changes, only to reach a point where continuing to try hurts more than stopping. The effort feels one-sided. The hope has gone. And what’s left is indifference.
Clients often talk about walking on eggshells for months or years, suppressing parts of themselves to keep the peace, until they eventually give up. Over time, this can manifest as emotional numbness toward the person they should feel closest to. Consistently feeling unheard, emotionally unsafe, or smaller than you used to be can quietly erode your sense of self.
So… does this mean your marriage is over? Not necessarily.
What to do when a marriage is not working?
These signs don’t automatically mean that separation is the right or only outcome. However, they do suggest that something significant in the relationship needs attention.
Two of the most important questions to reflect on are: “Am I being honest with myself about how this feels?”And “What do I want my future to look like?”
These questions can be difficult and unsettling, but gaining clarity about your emotions and your hopes for the future helps you make a more considered, grounded decision. This is where professional support can help.
How to find relationship experts offering advice on marriage breakdown?
If you’re wondering whether your marriage may be over, there is a wide range of support resources available. Relationship counsellors and therapists can help couples explore communication issues and emotional dynamics together. Individual therapy can offer space to process feelings privately. Legal professionals can provide advice on rights, responsibilities and the practical realities of separation. Each plays a different role depending on your support needs.
Divorce coaching is another option. A divorce coach creates space to reflect, untangle emotions, and explore both practical and emotional fears. Coaching focuses on helping you understand what you need, think clearly, and feel more grounded, whether that means repairing the relationship, preparing for change, or deciding not to decide just yet. A divorce coach can also help you understand the divorce process and the practical challenges you may face, so you feel emotionally supported as you navigate what comes next.
Feeling uncertain doesn’t mean you’re failing or being indecisive. This is a major life decision with far-reaching implications. It deserves time, space, and support to find the right answer for you.
If you are looking for support to explore whether your marriage is over, you can browse our partner divorce coaches here. You can learn more about the work Kate does to support clients here.
Useful resources:
My partner’s a good person, but I am not happy
How do I know if I don’t love my partner anymore
