“Mum, you don’t have to stay together for us anymore.” It’s a sentence many parents never expect to hear. I heard those words from my own youngest daughter when she was 24. She quietly said, “Mum, your happiness is vital, don’t feel you have to stay together for us anymore.”
In that moment, something shifted. It wasn’t permission that I felt, it was release.
Years of believing I had to keep my family together at all costs suddenly loosened their grip. What I heard wasn’t, “Leave your marriage.” What I heard was, “We’ll be OK. It’s your turn now.”
Over the years, I’ve heard similar words echoed by hundreds of women I’ve coached as they navigate one of the biggest decisions of their lives.
“We’ve known for years.” Or “You don’t have to keep doing this because of us.”
For some parents, those words bring relief. For others, they bring tears. Not because their adult children are giving them consent to leave, but because they are gently releasing them from a responsibility they’ve carried for decades.
Many parents don’t need permission from their children to leave a marriage. They need permission to stop believing that being a good parent means sacrificing themselves.
One of the most common reasons people stay in unhappy marriages is “for the children.” When children are young, that instinct is understandable. Parents naturally want to protect them from conflict, upheaval and uncertainty. But what happens when those children have grown, built lives of their own and perhaps started families themselves? Why do so many parents still feel they have to stay?
Has being a parent become your whole identity?
As parents, we’re wired to put our children first. There isn’t a handbook, we learn as we go. Over the years our identity quietly becomes wrapped up in raising our family. School runs become careers, birthdays become milestones and University applications become empty nests.
Before we know it, decades have passed. Many of the women I coach have spent 25 or 30 years being someone’s mum. They know exactly who everyone else needs them to be. What they’ve forgotten is who they are.
When the children leave home, the silence can become audible. For the first time in years, there is space to ask a question that has been buried beneath everyone else’s needs: What do I need now?
Instead, many continue carrying the emotional weight of a relationship that may no longer be working because they’ve spent so long believing that everyone else’s happiness matters more than their own. I see this time and time again. Women who have quietly moved themselves to the back of the queue. I understand that because I did it too.
One of the greatest lessons from my own 30 year marriage was that you cannot keep giving from an empty cup. Looking after yourself isn’t selfish. It’s self-care. It’s what allows you to become the healthiest, strongest version of yourself for everyone you love.
Perhaps the greatest knot we need to untie isn’t our marriage. Perhaps it’s the belief that putting ourselves first somehow makes us selfish or a bad parent.
Do adult children know when their parents aren’t happy?
Parents work incredibly hard to protect their children. Many believe they’ve hidden the arguments, the disappointment or the emotional distance. Yet, children notice far more than we often realise. They notice the words that are spoken, and they notice the ones that aren’t, the silence. They notice the separate bedrooms, the lack of affection and the tension that quietly fills a room.
Long before separation is ever discussed, many adult children have already sensed that something isn’t right. I’ve had clients tell me their son admitted he’d wondered why his parents had stayed together for so long. Others have shared that their daughter simply wanted them both to have the opportunity to live their lives their own way.
Every family is different. Some adult children struggle deeply with the news of separation. Others feel relief that what they’ve sensed for years has finally been acknowledged and they’re not having to live through ‘Parental Gaslighting’ anymore. There is no universal response.
I remember sending my own children a WhatsApp message when I moved from our family home to Scotland. I wrote:
“The family unit may have changed shape, but Mum and Dad love you very much and we will always be here for you.”
That message still feels true today. Families don’t stop being families because parents live in different homes. Sometimes they simply learn a different way of loving one another.
Will my adult children be disappointed if we divorce?
Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave a marriage belongs to the couple, not to their children. Yet so many parents carry an invisible burden of guilt:
- Will they be disappointed?
- Will they blame me?
- Will they think I’ve failed?
Then an adult son or daughter quietly says, “We’ll be OK.” “We just want you to be happy.”
Those words represent unconditional love. Perhaps they are the greatest gift a parent can receive. Love that has travelled full circle. The unconditional love that parents have poured into their children over decades is gently being returned. Like a baton passed from one generation to the next.
One of the most moving moments I witnessed in my divorce coaching practice was when a client realised her children were no longer asking her to sacrifice herself. They’re reminding her that she’s allowed to matter too.
Is choosing your own happiness selfish?
The short answer is absolutely not, it’s not selfish to choose yourself. One of the biggest myths I encounter is that choosing yourself somehow means choosing against your family. It doesn’t at all. Healthy families are built on authenticity, honesty and respect, not the endurance of silence. Children don’t learn resilience from watching parents quietly tolerate years of unhappiness.
They learn from seeing and hearing healthy communication, respect, and self worth. Of course, this doesn’t mean every unhappy marriage should end. Some relationships can be rebuilt through honest conversations, couples counselling or relationship or divorce coaching, with a shared commitment to change.
The goal should never be divorce, it needs to be clarity. Clarity about what’s really happening and clarity about what you’ve already tried. It’s time to take off those rose-tinted glasses and see the marriage for what it truly is. Only then can you make a decision through a lens of reality rather than fear.
What are the emotional and practical considerations of later-life divorce?
Later-life separation, sometimes called ‘ grey divorce ’, brings practical considerations too. There is a whole list that falls under the midlife experience. Such as finances, pensions, property, retirement and grandchildren.
Learn more about later-life divorce in our latest guidance.
These deserve careful thought and, where appropriate, professional support, which could include:
- Legal – from an expert family lawyer
- Financial – from a financial adviser
- Emotional – from counsellors, therapists and/or a divorce coach
Trying to navigate those decisions while living in emotional overwhelm can feel impossible. That’s why emotional clarity and practical guidance work hand in hand.
When you understand your options and your emotions, you’re far better placed to make decisions that protect both your wellbeing and your future.
I remember my granddaughter asking why Grandpa and I didn’t live under the same roof. I simply replied, “Because we decided we’d be happier living apart than living together.”
Children, even grandchildren, don’t always need complicated explanations. They need honesty, reassurance and love.
How do you decide whether to stay in your marriage?
Staying in a marriage should be a conscious choice.
One question I often ask clients is: “If fear wasn’t making the decision, what would you choose?”
Sometimes the answer is to stay or leave. Neither answer is right or wrong. What matters is that the decision comes from clarity rather than guilt, obligation or habit.
Staying because you’ve consciously chosen to rebuild your relationship is very different from staying because you’ve convinced yourself you have no choice. Likewise, leaving isn’t about giving up. Sometimes it’s about recognising that you’ve done everything you can and allowing both people the opportunity to build a different future.
Does your life still matter after your children grow up?
If your children are adults, you’ve probably spent decades putting their needs first. Be proud of that and remember that your life matters too.
Choosing your wellbeing doesn’t erase everything you’ve given your family, it honours it. I believe the greatest gift we can give our children isn’t the appearance of a perfect marriage. It’s showing them that it’s possible to live with honesty, courage and self-respect.
If you’re questioning your marriage, remember this: You don’t have to choose between loving your children and loving yourself.
Whether your path leads towards rebuilding your marriage or moving forward separately, the goal isn’t simply to decide. It’s to make the right decision for you. One that you can live with that will bring peace rather than regret.
For years, you may have asked yourself, “Should I stay for the children?” Perhaps today there’s a different question:
What kind of life do you want to create for the years ahead?
Whatever you decide, let it be a decision made with clarity and compassion. That is the gift not only to yourself, but to every generation that follows.
More about Jennie Sutton
Jennie is an award-winning divorce coach, specialising in working with women facing the complexities of separation and divorce. Jennie draws on her own experience of ending a 30-year marriage, and founded Untying the Knot.
She is a Master Practitioner in Divorce and Domestic Abuse Coaching, a financial mindset coach and a professional McKenzie Friend. You can contact Jennie directly via email [email protected] or reach her via social media:
Instagram: coach_untyingtheknot
Facebook: CoachUntyingtheKnot
LinkedIn: jennie-sutton-divorce-coach
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