How domestic abuse can manifest during your divorce

Divorce is never easy. But when domestic abuse forms part of the relationship dynamic, separation can bring an entirely new set of challenges, and in many cases, a dangerous escalation in behaviour.

In a recent Stowe Talks webinar, divorce coach and survivor Caron Kipping joined our legal team to explore how abuse can present itself during divorce, why it can intensify during proceedings, and what practical support is available for those navigating separation from an abusive partner.

Domestic abuse is a spectrum

Domestic abuse doesn’t always begin with physical violence. In fact, many abusive relationships start with more subtle behaviours such as:

• Persistent criticism or belittling comments

• Emotional manipulation

• Isolation from friends or family

• Economic abuse

• Coercive or controlling behaviour

Over time, these behaviours often form patterns designed to establish power and control. Physical abuse, where it occurs, frequently develops later in the relationship. Importantly, separation does not always bring that behaviour to an end.

What is post-separation abuse?

Leaving an abusive relationship does not necessarily remove an abuser’s desire for control. Post-separation abuse can include:

• Using children as a means of control

• Withholding financial support or child maintenance

• Manipulating communication

• Gaslighting or blame-shifting

• Delaying legal proceedings

• Refusing to engage in necessary decisions

Where children are involved, survivors may remain legally and practically connected to their ex-partner for many years – creating ongoing opportunities for abusive dynamics to continue through parenting arrangements, finances or legal processes.

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Why abuse can escalate during divorce

Separation often represents a loss of control for an abusive partner. As divorce proceedings begin, this perceived loss may result in:

• Increased hostility or verbal abuse

• Attempts to manipulate friends, family or professionals

• False accusations

• Financial punishment (e.g. refusing to pay school fees or maintenance)

• Smear campaigns

• Legal intimidation

Survivors may also face feelings of guilt, grief and emotional vulnerability as they come to terms with the breakdown of the relationship and its impact on the family unit. These factors can make navigating negotiations and parenting arrangements even more difficult.

Caron Kipping Divorce Coach, Survivor and IDVA says:

“Separating from an abusive partner doesn’t mean the abuse stops. In many cases, the need for power and control continues and the legal process itself can become another way for that control to be exercised.”

How abuse may present during divorce proceedings

Abuse during divorce can take many forms, including:

Financial abuse

This might involve:

• Refusing to contribute to household costs

• Withholding child maintenance

• Hiding or misrepresenting income

• Running up legal costs deliberately

These actions may be used to create financial instability and pressure a survivor into concessions.

Using children as a tool of control

Abusive partners may attempt to:

• Undermine the other parent in front of children

• Encourage children to reject or fear the other parent

• Make allegations of poor parenting

• Manipulate contact arrangements

In some cases, allegations such as parental alienation may be raised in response to safeguarding concerns – shifting professional focus away from abusive behaviour.

Communication-based abuse

Ongoing communication regarding children can also be used as a vehicle for:

• Gaslighting

• Intimidation

• Blame-shifting

• Persistent conflict

This can make co-parenting extremely challenging, and in many cases, unsafe.

The impact on children

Domestic abuse can have significant emotional and developmental effects on children of all ages – including unborn children. Possible signs may include:

• Changes in behaviour or mood

• Regression (e.g. bedwetting)

• Increased anxiety around contact

• Withdrawal or aggression

• Aligning with one parent due to manipulation

Early intervention and therapeutic support can be vital. Parents are often encouraged to:

• Monitor behavioural patterns

• Keep records of concerns

• Speak with schools, GPs or support services

• Seek specialist domestic abuse support where possible

Accessing support

Those separating from an abusive partner may benefit from:

• Specialist family law advice

• Divorce or separation coaching

• Independent Domestic Violence Advocates (IDVAs)

• Domestic abuse charities and local services

• Legal clinics or pro bono support

• Therapeutic services for adults and children

Building a support network (both professionally and personally) can make a meaningful difference when navigating the legal and emotional challenges of divorce.

Final thoughts

Separating from an abusive partner can be complex and emotionally exhausting. Abuse may not end when a relationship does – and in some cases, it may intensify.

Understanding how these behaviours can manifest throughout the divorce process is an important step in identifying risk, setting boundaries, and accessing the right support at the right time.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse during separation, seeking specialist advice early can help ensure that both legal and personal safeguards are in place.