In a recent Stowe talks webinar, divorce coach and survivor Caron Kipping joined our legal team to explore how abuse can present itself during divorce, why it can intensify during proceedings, and what practical support is available for those navigating separation from an abusive partner.
Domestic abuse is a spectrum
Domestic abuse does not always begin with physical violence. In many relationships, it starts with more subtle patterns of behaviour such as persistent criticism, emotional manipulation, isolation from friends or family, or economic abuse. Over time, these behaviours can become part of a wider pattern of coercive or controlling behaviour designed to establish power within the relationship. Where physical abuse occurs, it often develops later. Crucially, separation does not necessarily bring these behaviours to an end.
What is post-separation abuse?
Leaving an abusive relationship does not always remove an abuser’s desire for control. Post-separation abuse can present in a number of ways, from manipulating communication and decision-making, to withholding financial support or using children as a means of exerting pressure. Where children are involved, survivors may remain legally and practically connected to their ex-partner for many years, creating ongoing opportunities for abusive dynamics to continue through parenting arrangements, finances or the legal process itself.
Why abuse can escalate during divorce
Separation often represents a loss of control for an abusive partner. As divorce proceedings begin, this perceived loss may result in:
- Increased hostility or verbal abuse
- Attempts to manipulate friends, family or professionals
- False accusations
- Financial punishment (e.g. refusing to pay school fees or maintenance)
- Smear campaigns
- Legal intimidation
Survivors may also face feelings of guilt, grief and emotional vulnerability as they come to terms with the breakdown of the relationship and its impact on the family unit. These factors can make navigating negotiations and parenting arrangements even more difficult.
Caron Kipping, divorce Coach, Survivor and IDVA, says:
“Separating from an abusive partner doesn’t mean the abuse stops. In many cases, the need for power and control continues and the legal process itself can become another way for that control to be exercised.”
How abuse may present during divorce proceedings
Financial abuse
Financial abuse during divorce may involve one party refusing to contribute to household costs, withholding child maintenance, hiding or misrepresenting income, or deliberately increasing legal costs to create pressure. These actions can be used to destabilise the other party financially and may result in survivors feeling forced to make concessions simply to bring proceedings to an end.
Using children as a tool of control
Abusive partners may sometimes try to undermine the other parent’s relationship with their children through allegations about parenting, encouraging rejection, or manipulating contact arrangements. In response, safeguarding concerns raised by survivors can be reframed as counter-allegations, such as claims of parental alienation, which shifts professional focus away from the abuse itself and onto the parenting dynamic.
Communication-based abuse
Ongoing communication (particularly where it relates to children) can become another avenue for abuse following separation. This may include gaslighting, intimidation, blame-shifting or persistent attempts to provoke conflict. Over time, this can make co-parenting not only difficult, but emotionally unsafe.
The impact on children
Domestic abuse can have significant emotional and developmental effects on children of all ages – including unborn children. Possible signs may include:
- Changes in behaviour or mood
- Regression (e.g. bedwetting)
- Increased anxiety around contact
- Withdrawal or aggression
- Aligning with one parent due to manipulation
Early intervention and therapeutic support can be vital for families. Parents are often encouraged to monitor behavioural patterns, keep records of any concerns, and communicate with schools, GPs, or other support services. Where possible, seeking specialist domestic abuse support is also recommended to ensure the child’s safety and wellbeing.
Accessing support
Those separating from an abusive partner may benefit from different types of support. It takes a lot of courage and strength to move through the divorce or separation process and different individuals will find they need different kinds of help. Building a support network made up of personal and practical cheerleaders, as well as professionals can make a meaningful difference when navigating the legal and emotional challenges of divorcing an abusive partner.
- Specialist family law advice
- Divorce or separation coaching
- Independent Domestic Violence Advocates (IDVAs)
- Domestic abuse charities and local services
- Legal clinics or pro bono support
- Therapeutic services for adults and children
Final thoughts
Separating from an abusive partner can be complex and emotionally exhausting. Abuse may not end when a relationship does – and in some cases, it may intensify.
Understanding how these behaviours can manifest throughout the divorce process is an important 6step in identifying risk, setting boundaries, and accessing the right support at the right time.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse during separation, seeking specialist advice early can help ensure that both legal and personal safeguards are in place.
Keep reading…
How to get an occupation order
Guide to how a family lawyer can help if you’re a victim of domestic abuse
