What is an emotional bully?
Relationships take many forms, but the fundamental principle is that you should feel safe, secure, and confident with your partner.
If you suspect your partner is an emotional bully it’s crucial to familiarise yourself with the signs. Identifying the signs can be the first step toward addressing the issue.
Am I married to an emotional bully?
Emotional bullies often use words as weapons, employing coercion, manipulation, and intimidation to control their partners. Their behaviour erodes trust, kindness, and respect within the relationship, leaving you feeling drained and uncertain.
If you find yourself constantly second-guessing your thoughts and feelings, or if your partner’s actions consistently leave you feeling manipulated or controlled, it may be time to seek support.
Remember, you deserve to be in a partnership built on mutual respect and trust.
Four tell-tale signs you are in a relationship with an emotional bully
Emotional or psychological abuse is difficult to define because it is intangible and manifests itself in a variety of ways. Before you ask yourself “What should I do if my partner is an emotional bully?”, here are four key behaviours to look out for.
Aggression
Emotional bullies use verbally and physically aggressive tactics to control and intimidate a partner. Typical emotional bully behaviour includes:
- Shouting and swearing
- Being loud and obstructive
- Slamming doors, throwing or hitting things
- Lying and making false accusations
- Blaming you without cause
- Deliberately creating tension and hostility
- Physical intimidation
- Deliberately causing fear
- Turning on you unexpectedly.
Once they have established the pattern of using aggression as a first response, the bully can then control their partner through fear of causing further anger.
Controlling
A bully will use controlling or coercive behaviour to limit your freedom and increase their power over you.
Coercive control is defined by the Home Office as:
“a purposeful pattern of behaviour which takes place over time in order for one individual to exert power, control or coercion over another”
Typical examples of controlling behaviour include:
- Monitoring your time and activity
- Checking your messages, phone history and emails
- Isolating you from your friends or family
- Controlling where you go, what you wear, and who you see
- Regularly degrading and humiliating you
- Stalking you on social media.
Emotional bullies will likely make you feel guilty when you spend time with others of do things without them. They’ll call you continuously to check where you are and what you are up to.
Passive aggressive
As well as outwardly aggressive behaviour, emotional bullies are skilled at passive aggression. This is a particularly effective tactic for an emotional abuser because it’s more subtle. Because of this passive aggression can more easily go under the radar, meaning you may not even notice it’s happening to you.
Passive aggressive acts include:
- Silent treatment, otherwise known as Stonewalling
- Expressing anger and resentment covertly
- Deliberately avoiding cooperation
- Withholding sex or intimacy as punishment
- Controlling finances and limiting resources
- Undermining your decisions
- Ignoring or excluding you
- Patronising and humiliating
- Strategically disclosing or withholding information
- Sabotaging things that matter to you.
Passive-aggressive behaviour will often include acts that in isolation don’t appear serious, but when used with intent or multiplied, cause harm and distress.
Making threats
When a bully gets scared of losing you, out comes the threat card.
They may threaten divorce, moving out, cheating, or even harming themselves or others. Other threats might include lying, sharing private messages, divulging personal information, destruction of property, reckless behaviour, deliberately diminishing finances, revenge porn, sext re-posting.
Emotional bullies will use any leverage they have to manipulate you and get the outcome they want.
Living with an emotional bully
In a healthy relationship, both partners are equals. However, in a bullying relationship, there is a significant imbalance and an uneven distribution of power.
People in relationships with emotional bullies often experience lowered self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. They frequently feel fearful, powerless, and trapped.
These emotional struggles can also manifest physically, leading to issues such as addiction, insomnia, changes in appetite, and various illnesses.
Leaving a bully
Being married to a bully can be extremely emotionally distressing and the road to separation very stressful.
One of the hardest parts is recognising your partner’s behaviour as bullying. Especially when you’ve been in a long relationships when behaviour patterns can be difficult to break.
Start by keeping a written record of your partners bullying. Note down dates, times, situations and how they made you feel. Sometimes when you are living in a situation it is hard to see the bigger picture. Writing it down will show you the extent of your partner’s behaviour.
Your safety is important. If at any point you find yourself in danger, contact the police right away by dialing 999.
Get in touch with Stowe Family Law
If you decide to divorce a bully, you will need a strong support team in place. Seek out professional and emotional support from lawyers, counsellors, consultants as well as friends and family on the side.
If you would like advice on divorce, separation, or other family law issues please do contact us to set up a meeting with one of our specialist divorce lawyers. We have over 90 offices across the UK, including dedicated teams in Manchester, London, Leeds, Newcastle, Liverpool. You can also find our experts in Cambridge, Reading, Birmingham, Oxford, York and Bristol.
Helpful contacts
If you are in immediate danger, contact the police immediately on 999.
Or you access support via the following organisations:
- National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247
- Solace Advice Line – 0808 802 5565 – [email protected]
- Mankind Initiative support for male victims – 01823 334244
- The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK – 0808 808 4994
- Galop, National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428
- Refuge National Domestic Abuse – 0808 2000 247
- Samaritans Helpline: 116 123
Useful links:
Understanding coercive control and what you can do about it
Lost sense of self: Seven signs you are in a relationship with a narcissist
The cost-of-living in an abusive relationship
Keep reading
- Seven signs you are in a relationship with a narcissist
- How to financially survive divorce
- 10 tips for dealing with conflict in divorce
Created March 2019 and updated June 2024
Comments(32)
Expand all comments Collapse all comments