Why do difficult conversations escalate so quickly?
Heated conversations are an unavoidable part of life. Whether you are navigating a difficult discussion with a colleague, a family member, or an ex-partner, the way you show up in that moment often determines how the conversation unfolds.
One simple but powerful metaphor can help you reflect on your approach: Do you want to be a thermometer, or do you want to be a thermostat?
Thermometer vs thermostat: A simple way to approach challenging conversations
A thermometer simply reflects the temperature in the room. If things get hot, it gets hot too. In conversations, this looks like matching the other person’s tone, volume, and emotional intensity. When they escalate, you escalate. When they become defensive, you do too. Before you know it, you are no longer steering the discussion. You are reacting, rather than responding.
A thermostat, on the other hand, sets the temperature. It does not ignore what is happening around it, but it remains anchored to a chosen setting. In conversations, being the thermostat means deciding in advance how you want to show up, what tone you want to maintain, and what outcome you are working towards. It means staying in control of your own emotions, even when the other person is struggling to manage theirs.
Chloe Oudiz, divorce and separation coach, says:
“Conflict escalates when two people react, real progress begins the moment one person chooses to respond with intention.
“Every conversation carries a temperature, and if you don’t consciously set it, you’ll unconsciously absorb it. You may not be able to prevent conflict altogether – but you can refuse to become the fuel that feeds it.”
How to have a difficult conversation with a clear purpose
One of the most practical tips I often share with clients is to begin any potentially difficult conversation with a very clear purpose. Ask yourself: What is this conversation actually for? What do I want to achieve by the end of it? If you do not define the purpose, it is easy to get pulled into side issues, old grievances, or emotional rabbit holes that derail the discussion entirely.
What often happens in real life is this: The other person becomes upset, raises their voice, or escalates the ‘heat’ of the conversation. Instinctively, we follow them. We mirror their energy, and suddenly, we are no longer in control. This is the classic thermometer response. The result is a conversation that spirals into an argument, leaving both sides frustrated and wondering how things went so wrong.
Being the thermostat does not mean being cold, detached, or dismissive. It means being intentional. It means choosing calm over chaos, clarity over confusion, and purpose over provocation. It also means knowing in advance what topics you are willing to engage with, and which ones you will gently but firmly refuse to be drawn into.
Having difficult conversations online: Stay focused on the outcome
If you are having the conversation online, consider writing your purpose down on a post-it note, and placing it somewhere you can see it throughout. It might sound simple, but having that visual reminder can be incredibly grounding. It helps you stay on topic, check your tone, and notice when the conversation is being steered in a direction you do not want to go.
This is where being the thermostat really helps. Before you hit send, pause and ask whether your message moves you closer to your purpose. Keeping calm, clear communication during separation protects both you and your children, especially when written words can be saved, shared, or revisited later.
Difficult conversation examples: Sophie’s story
To bring this to life, we’ll share an example from work with a client, whom we will call Sophie.
Sophie and her ex did not yet have a parenting plan agreed, but with half term approaching, she needed to speak with her soon-to-be-ex about who would care for the children during that time. Her purpose was simple and practical: To reach an agreement so everyone could plan ahead. That was the conversation she wanted to have.
What happened before
What often happened in the past, however, was very different. As soon as Sophie raised the topic, her ex would become upset and start blaming her for how previous holidays had been handled and how she always just informed him of decisions instead of consulting with him. Old grievances would surface. Voices would be raised. The discussion would quickly shift away from logistics and into a replay of past conflicts.
In those moments, Sophie found herself pulled into the same emotional space. She would defend herself, counter-accuse, and before long, the original issue – the children’s plans – was completely lost. This was the thermometer at work, simply matching the emotional temperature set by the other person.
What changed when Sophie became the thermostat
When Sophie began practising being the thermostat, her approach changed. Before the conversation, she clarified for herself what she would and would not discuss. She decided her focus would stay on agreeing the schedule for the upcoming half term, not revisiting past disputes. At the very beginning of the conversation, she clearly stated her intention: “I’d like us to sort out the plans together for the children so we both know where we stand.”
When her ex tried to take the conversation off-piste by blaming or bringing up the past, Sophie calmly brought it back to the main topic. “I hear that you’re frustrated, but right now we need to focus on the dates for the holidays.” If the escalation continued, she gave herself permission to pause or step away, rather than be drawn into a shouting or blaming match.
By keeping her tone calm and her behaviour civil, Sophie was able to show up as the person she wanted to be, regardless of how the other person behaved. She did not always get an immediate agreement, but she consistently avoided making the situation worse. Over time, the conversations became shorter, clearer, and far less emotionally charged.
How to have a difficult conversation with someone you love
So, next time you are heading into a conversation that might lead to conflict, pause and ask yourself: Am I about to be the thermometer, or the thermostat? If you choose to be the thermostat, take a moment to set your temperature. Decide what you want to talk about, what you will not engage in, and what tone best serves the outcome you are trying to achieve.
That small shift in mindset can be the difference between a conversation that backfires and one that moves you closer to the resolution you actually want.
A final word on handling difficult conversations calmly
Learning to be the thermostat in difficult, high-stakes conversations is not something most of us are ever taught. It can feel uncomfortable, unnatural, and at times emotionally exhausting. If you find yourself slipping back into old patterns, that does not mean you have failed. It simply means you are human and practising a new skill.
This is exactly where the work Divorce Differently does with clients can make a real difference. Together, we prepare for challenging, potentially high-conflict conversations in a practical and supportive way. We clarify your purpose, map out the topics you want to stay focused on, identify emotional triggers, and develop strategies to help you stay grounded when the heat rises.
If you would like support in building the confidence and emotional tools to handle these conversations with greater calm, clarity, and control, we can help. You do not have to navigate these moments alone, and with the right preparation, even the most difficult conversations can become opportunities for progress rather than conflict.
Get in contact with Chloe today to find out more.
