For most people, divorce is unfamiliar territory. Looking at the road ahead can awaken feelings of dread, confusion and heartbreak. These emotions can really weigh on you and impact how you think and act, particularly in the very early stages of divorce when everything feels raw and uncertain.
Nobody enters a marriage expecting it to end. The knowledge that divorce is more common than ever before, with around 40% of all marriages ending in divorce, and more socially accepted, does not always provide comfort when looking at your own reality. What may help is knowing that you are not alone in your experiences and your feelings.
Regardless of whether you’ve made the decision to divorce yourself, together or had it made for you, divorce and separation are major life transitions that require time, reflection and care. Divorce is also an administrative and legal process: the ending of a contract that you and your spouse signed when you got married. Divorce is the dissolution of this contract, and the severing of your legal and financial ties to one another. This can feel practically daunting and personally hurtful at the same time.
Whilst every divorce, civil partnership dissolution or separation is different and unique to your family and circumstances, there are some simple tasks that will apply to every case. We have put together 6 brief steps to help guide you through the very first stages of your divorce, where everything seems overwhelming, before you have even formally applied for the divorce.
The 5 first steps to divorce
Step 1 – Take a step back
Often, the first step forward is to actually take a step back.
It’s easy to get sucked into the immediate practicalities of what’s next: sorting out your finances, what happens to your children, temporary living arrangements etc.
However, this is a life-changing event for you and your family that you need time to process. It can take an immediate mental and physical toll and your body can go into fight or flight mode, often clouding your decision-making ability.
Give yourself some space to process your emotions, whether that’s a week, or a month. Communicate this as openly as you can with your ex – they’ll need time too and it’s in both of your best interests to make sure you are mentally prepared for the next stages.
If you feel able, tell a trusted loved one. This can release the burden from solely your shoulders and you’ll feel comforted knowing you have an engaged support network right from the get-go.
Step 2 – Make notes for yourself
The arrangements are often overwhelming so it is helpful to write down, whether on paper or digitally, any immediate concerns or things you might want to remember.
This might be your thoughts on your financial or children concerns, but it might be far simpler than that.
Remember, you don’t have to have everything in place immediately. Divorce has often been called a marathon, not a sprint. So make sure you’re sufficiently fuelled both physically and mentally.
Step 3 – Seek legal advice
Your first practical and legal step is to seek advice from an expert family lawyer, when you are ready.
A family solicitor will be able to gently introduce you to the legal process of divorce and give you an overview. From an initial conversation, you won’t get too much information about the exact expectations for your case, but you can express your priorities for moving forward.
You will also need to ensure you are legally eligible to divorce in England and Wales through a sufficient connection to this jurisdiction.
You also need to have been married for a year before you can apply for a divorce. No fault divorce means you don’t need a reason for divorce, only that your marriage has broken down irretrievably.
Step 4 – Gather basic documents
In the early stages of planning your divorce, it is helpful to locate and pull together particular documents to assist in the administrative tasks that come with divorce. Many people set up a specific file for hosting this documentation either physical or digital.
You will need things like your marriage certificate, or a copy of it can be obtained from the Government website. It will also support your next steps if you can document the date of your separation – usually when you and your partner agreed the relationship was at an end – as well as the date you started living together if you moved in before you got married.
Other important information includes:
Your and your ex’s full names, addresses and dates of birth – if you and your ex are no longer living together, try to get this information as early as possible.
An initial overview of your finances including:
- Bank accounts
- Recent payslips
- Pensions
- Debts, including the remaining mortgage on any property
Details of your children including birth dates and any key information such as regular medication
This is just groundwork to make the next stages less onerous. You don’t need everything immediately.
Step 5 – Consider immediate practical issues
You will likely have set routines within your marriage, like bill paying, childcare, work-life flexibility. These will change as you move through divorce, so it is good to understand your own initial goals.
You might want to consider telling people who support you day-to-day, including family members who take on childcare responsibilities, and your line manager at work as you may need to work flexibly around appointments and children responsibilities.
Then ask yourself:
What is your ideal living situation?
How will your everyday bills be paid in the interim?
- Think about mortgage or rent, electricity and gas, council tax and any education/extra-curricular activities?
Do you need to monitor any joint bank accounts or credit cards?
- Remember not to move any money at this stage as it could be misconstrued at a later point
When you are ready, you can then apply for a divorce.
You can download our in-depth Beginner’s Guide to Divorce for further insight into the ongoing process of divorce, including a breakdown of the legal process, what child and financial arrangements look like, and where to find external support.
