Wuthering Heights is often called an epic love story, but divorce coach Kate Nestor explains why it is better understood as a warning about obsession, emotional intensity, and relationship instability.
What Wuthering Heights tells us about love and why it is wrong
Every Valentine’s Day, we are surrounded by the same idea of love. Big. All-consuming. Dramatic. The kind you cannot live without.
Few stories have shaped that idea more powerfully than Wuthering Heights, with its latest film adaptation set for release on Friday, 13th February. Heathcliff and Cathy are still held up as the ultimate symbol of epic romance. Intense. Passionate. Devastating.
But as a divorce coach, I regularly see this dynamic play out in real-life relationships. And it does not look romantic. It looks exhausting, destabilising and, in some cases, deeply damaging.
So I want to ask a different question. What if Wuthering Heights is not a love story at all, but a warning to us all?
Why we still romanticise “epic” love
We are taught, from a young age, that love should feel overwhelming. Fairy tales, films and classic novels tell us that if it is not intense, it is not real. If it does not hurt a little, it does not count.
Epic love stories promise significance. They tell us that being chosen, obsessed over and needed beyond reason makes us special. In a culture that often equates attention with worth, that is a powerful message.
The problem is that intensity is easy to confuse with connection. Drama can feel like depth. Emotional highs and lows can feel like passion. But none of these things guarantee safety, respect or long-term happiness. In fact, they often erode the very things we are craving.
Wuthering Heights through a modern relationship lens
Heathcliff and Cathy are bound by obsession, not intimacy. Their relationship is fuelled by jealousy, emotional volatility and an inability to let go. There is no emotional regulation, no repair and no sense of mutual care. In fiction, this is framed as a tragic romance. In real life, these are red flags.
A healthy relationship allows you to feel secure even when things are difficult. You can disagree without fear. You can be yourself without walking on eggshells. You can leave the room without worrying about punishment or withdrawal. None of that exists in Wuthering Heights. What exists instead is intensity without emotional safety.
When obsession is mistaken for love
One of the most damaging myths about love is the idea that obsession is romantic. Phrases like “I cannot live without you” are often presented as expressions of devotion. In reality, they signal emotional dependence.
In my work, I see many people who stayed in relationships far longer than they should have because the intensity felt meaningful. The emotional pull was so strong that leaving felt impossible, even when the relationship was causing harm.
This is where concepts like love bombing come in. Excessive attention, grand declarations and emotional intensity can feel intoxicating at first. But over time, these highs are often followed by control, withdrawal or unpredictability.
That push and pull creates a powerful emotional loop. The brain swings between feel-good chemicals like dopamine and serotonin, and stress responses driven by cortisol and adrenaline. Over time, this can become addictive. People can find themselves chasing the emotional highs, feeling bonded to the intensity itself and mistaking emotional volatility for passion, rather than recognising it as a warning sign.
Love should not leave you feeling anxious about losing it. When anxiety becomes a constant undercurrent, it is rarely passion. More often, it is fear created by unpredictability and a lack of emotional safety or control within the relationship.
Intensity vs intimacy in relationships
Intensity is loud. Intimacy is quiet.
Intensity thrives on crisis and emotional spikes. Intimacy is built through consistency, trust and emotional availability. One feels exciting. The other feels safe.
Many people worry that if a relationship feels calm, something must be missing. That calm is often mistaken for boredom or complacency, especially around Valentine’s Day when grand gestures are everywhere. But calm is not the absence of love. It is often the presence of safety. The strongest relationships I see are not the most dramatic ones. They are the ones where conflict can happen without fear, where both people feel respected, and where love does not need to be proved through extremes.
How epic love stories shape unrealistic expectations
Stories like Wuthering Heights teach us that love should be all-consuming. That boundaries are barriers. That suffering is part of the deal. These narratives can normalise behaviour that, in reality, should concern us. Jealousy becomes proof of care. Control becomes protection. Volatility becomes passion.
For some people, these myths delay important realisations. They minimise discomfort. They encourage people to tolerate dynamics that erode self-worth over time. By the time many of my clients seek support, the issue is not a lack of love. It is that love has become entangled with fear, obligation or emotional dependency.
What healthy love actually looks like
Healthy love is not defined by how intense it feels, but by how supported you feel within it. It looks like emotional steadiness rather than constant highs and lows. It looks like respect during disagreement. It looks like being able to say no without consequences.
It allows room for individuality. It does not require you to shrink, perform or sacrifice your sense of self to keep the peace. Most importantly, healthy love feels safe. Not perfect. Not conflict-free. But safe enough to be your true self.
Rethinking romance this Valentine’s Day
Big romantic stories like Wuthering Heights can be captivating. They celebrate intensity, devotion and dramatic gestures. But they rarely show the emotional safety, mutual respect and consistency that healthy love actually depends on.
Love that lasts is rarely dramatic. It is consistent. It is respectful. And it does not need chaos to prove it is real. If Wuthering Heights teaches us anything, it is not how to love, but how easily love can be misunderstood. And that might be the most important lesson of all.
You can find out more about how Kate supports clients here.
If you need support with domestic abuse and are at immediate risk, please call the police on 999. Alternatively, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or access a range of resources and useful contacts here.
Useful links
Emotional bullying: Are you married to an emotional bully?
Stonewalling: What is stonewalling and why do some people do it?
Podcast: Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? with Dr Supriya McKenna
