What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling happens when someone refuses to communicate with another person, essentially becoming unresponsive like a stone wall, sometimes called the silent treatment.
Stonewalling can also involve frequently dismissing or belittling what the other person says or accusing them of overreacting, all while the stonewaller insists that there’s no problem.
In romantic relationships, stonewalling can be a means of control used to deliberately cut off communication and refuse to cooperate. This tactic prevents resolving issues or making important decisions about the future.
The two types of stonewalling
Stonewalling behaviour falls into two distinct categories:
Unintentional stonewalling: withholding communication can be a learned behaviour used by partners to deal with tough or sensitive topics, or to defuse a conversation and prevent it from escalating.
Intentional stonewalling: used deliberately, intentional stonewalling is an effective method used by emotionally abusive or controlling partners to exploit or manipulate a situation, gain power over their partner, and often deliberately demean them.
What is stonewalling in a relationship?
Unintentional stonewalling can develop when couples fall out of the habit of discussing their emotions, or when someone is unsure of what they are feeling so feel it’s easier to say nothing. Similarly, if a relationship has run its course, stonewalling can be used to create distance from a partner.
It can be a learned behaviour, often a result of being brought up in an environment where feelings were never discussed, or where emotional conversations were met with negative reactions. Into adulthood, this can become a habit and impact relationships. For some people talking about emotions and feelings can make them feel incredibly uncomfortable and avoidance is a preferable route.
Intentional stonewalling is a more threatening behaviour. It is used with intent, often in an attempt to dominate the relationship. By refusing to address any issues they invalidate their partner’s experience and prevent the other person from having clarity, taking action or moving forward.
How to recognise stonewalling
It’s likely that you may not realise you are being stonewalled. Equally, people who stonewall may be unaware that they are subjecting their partner to stonewalling abuse, particularly if it’s unintentional.
The starting point is to look at your and your partners behaviours over a period of time. Observe the way you each respond to conversations. Take notes in a diary over time to see if patterns emerge.
Common signs of stonewalling
- Your partner deliberately ignores what you say
- To avoid serious conversations, they change the subject or walk away
- They make up reasons not to talk
- When asked questions, they refuse to respond
- Making allegations rather than discussing the current issue
- Using dismissive body language such as eye rolling or avoiding eye contact
- Using passive-aggressive behaviours such as stalling or procrastination to avoid discussions
- Refusing to recognise their stonewalling behaviour
- Dismissing your concerns as if they are unimportant
- When you speak they make fun of you and patronise what you say
- Refusing to take responsibility or blaming you for their silent treatment
What effect does stonewalling have on a relationship?
Stonewalling in relationships is destructive. It contributes to a breakdown of trust, inhibits communication, and creates a power imbalance between partners. Over time, this can lead to couples leading unhappy or separate lives.
What is the effect on the person being stonewalled?
The emotional effects of stonewalling include a sense of helplessness, worthlessness, and powerlessness. It can have a serious impact on a person’s self-esteem. This is a natural response, particularly as stonewalling is widely considered a form of gaslighting.
Some people being stonewalled may find they become confused, dependent, and even submissive, making it difficult for them to leave the relationship.
Stonewalling creates a vicious circle, where the person who is stonewalling refuses to discuss matters that are central to the relationship, thereby making matters worse. As frustration rises, discussions can escalate into arguments, deepening tensions and leaving issues unresolved.
What is the impact on the person who is stonewalling?
While stonewalling has the biggest impact on those being stonewalled, the person who is stonewalling also suffers. By shutting down emotionally and obstructing genuine connection, they deprive themselves of the fulfilment that comes from a mutually supportive relationship, diminishing their own potential for happiness. This behaviour damages their relationship with their partner, obstructs problem-solving, and increases conflict, perpetuating the cycle of unresolved issues and the need for future discussions.
Is stonewalling a form of emotional abuse?
Stonewalling is a harmful behaviour in a relationship but is it abusive?
This depends on the intent of the person who is stonewalling. For example, there are many people for whom stonewalling is a learnt response to cope with emotional and difficult issues. They do not want to control or manipulate but instead use it (often without realising) to keep the peace or protect themselves from feeling uncomfortable.
However, when stonewalling is used as a deliberate means of manipulating a partner or exploiting a situation, it constitutes abusive behaviour. Often combined with other forms of emotional abuse, such as gaslighting, the intention is to increase their control in the relationship.
Sometimes referred to as narcissistic stonewalling, it often means one person falsely blames the other for all of the issues in the relationship while refusing to fix them.
Is the silent treatment manipulation?
Like stonewalling, it is the intent behind the use of silent treatment that defines if it is manipulative behaviour. Storming out of an argument or conversation and then deliberating ignoring them for hours, days or even weeks is very unhealthy for relationships, leaving the other person not knowing what they have done.
This is very different from when a partner asks for some time to cool down and find space to collect their emotions during an argument.
What does stonewalling or silent treatment do to a relationship?
When used as a tool to manipulate, the effect of stonewalling or the silent treatment is destructive for couples. It breaks down the ability to communicate openly and honestly, and prevents collaboration with each other, both key to a healthy relationship. A regular pattern of this behaviour can be both toxic and abusive.
How to deal with stonewalling
If stonewalling is a factor in your relationship, it’s best to be honest with yourself and be aware of what is happening and why.
If you and your partner are willing to make changes to restore a healthy, happy relationship you both need to listen, take responsibility for your behaviour, and work together to overcome the issues.
Mediation, counselling and improving communication can help, provided you are both willing to make changes.
However, if this is part of a larger emotional abuse issue it is extremely important you take professional advice.
If you or anyone else is in danger please call the police immediately.
For any support with starting the divorce proceedings, please contact us today for more information.
How to respond to stonewalling
Knowing how to respond to stonewalling can be difficult. By its nature, stonewalling means that others avoid difficult conversations, which might make talking about your concerns a challenge.
If you recognise that your partner is stonewalling you, it is useful to take some time to look at both of your behaviours in the relationship. Understanding what motivates each of you, and the objectives of your behaviour, can help you to identify what changes could help.
However, it is important that your partner also takes responsibility for their stonewalling behaviour and is willing to participate resolving matters on an equal level.
Working with a professional counsellor can help you both make a real difference to your self-esteem, confidence, and communication skills.
What can you do if you realise you are stonewalling someone?
If you were unaware of the impact of your behaviour on your partner and are willing to make changes to improve your relationship, taking responsibility without blaming your partner is a big first step.
Reflect on times you refused communication, examine your motives and behaviour, and how that may have made your partner feel. Understanding this can help you to see things from your partner’s perspective and establish how you can adjust your responses and behaviours.
When communicating with your partner, work on your listening skills and look at the discussion as a way to solve a problem rather than proving a point.
Be as open as you can about your feelings. Being vulnerable and explaining how you feel will help to improve communication between you both.
What if your partner is unwilling to stop stonewalling?
If your partner is unwilling to change or you are suffering from emotional abuse, it is important that you make your emotional and physical safety a priority. Any form of abuse is unacceptable.
Please talk to someone and seek out professional help. Below is a list of support organisations.
Get in touch with Stowe Family Law
If you would like any advice on divorce or other family law issues please do contact our Client Services Team to speak to one of our specialist divorce lawyers.
With more than 90 offices nationwide, we have specialist divorce lawyers based in Manchester, Sheffield, Liverpool, Leeds, Birmingham and Cambridge. Our expert teams also serve clients from our offices in Reading, London, Oxford, York, Bristol and Newcastle., or you can view our full list of office locations to find a specialist near you.
Useful contacts
- National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247
- The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors – 0808 801 0327
- The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK – 0808 808 4994
- Galop, National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428
- Samaritans (24/7 service) – 116 123
Useful links:
Understanding coercive control and what you can do about it
Lost sense of self: Seven signs you are in a relationship with a narcissist
The cost-of-living in an abusive relationship
Keep reading
- A guide to Home Rights Notices
- Divorce, hidden assets and suspected fraud – what can you do?
- Is everything split 50/50 in divorce?
Created June 2020 and updated June 2024
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