Making arrangements for your children after separation can be a really emotional process. As parents, the best interests of your child should be central to your decision-making, but this can be difficult when you’re managing the practical and emotional process of a relationship breakdown. You might be thinking about:
- How much time should the children spend with each parent?
- Who should they live with primarily, or should living arrangements be split 50/50?
- How to achieve new structures with minimal disruption to their existing routine
- How will handovers work? What days and times, and what other practical matters need to be considered, such as after-school clubs
- Will you need other childcare support, such as from grandparents?
These are all valid questions, and what a lot of them come down to is how to divide care of your children when you no longer live together, or you are living together but your relationship has ended in a no-split divorce.
Shared parenting is a popular choice for many couples as it allows the children to have positive relationships with both parents, even though they are no longer together.
What is shared parenting?
Shared parenting is when children get substantial time with both parents. It may not mean an exactly 50/50 split of care, but a significant amount with both parents. For example, if one parent only had the children every other weekend, this would not be a shared parenting arrangement.
Some parents will decide that 50/50 shared parenting is the most suitable arrangement for their children. This will mean an equal split of nights spent at each house over the course of a year. It can be easier to think of in 2 week blocks, so the children would be with you 7 nights out of 14, and with your ex the other 7.
Some parents will do week on-week off, others will choose a 3-2-2 split, or something else entirely. It is what works best for your children to ensure they have a positive relationship with both you and your ex.
Ultimately, shared parenting is to do with the balance of parenting responsibilities in practical terms and whether this is in the best interests of the children of the family.
What are the benefits of shared parenting?
Shared parenting arrangements after separation can be hugely beneficial for many families, but it does depend on your dynamics as co-parents, and what is in the best interests of your children. Even if you go for a shared parenting agreement, you don’t have to split care exactly 50/50.
Some of the top reasons to go for a shared parenting arrangement if you can are:
- Security and stability for children: Maintaining a relationship with both parents helps children to feel loved and secure
- Balanced parental responsibility: The arrangement means both parents take on the emotional, practical and financial responsibilities of raising children post-separation, reduces resentment of one parent taking on the bulk of the care
- Healthy emotional development: Children need different emotional support at different stages, and involvement with both parents supports positive development
- Positive co-parenting relationship: A shared parenting arrangement often necessitates communication, which can help to rebuild relationships after breakdown
However, shared parenting isn’t always the right answer for every family, as divorce coach Kate Nestor explains:
“A 50:50 arrangement can be a great option, but it will not suit every family.
“I always advise clients not to focus on the percentage of time, but on what works best for the children first, and then what is practical for both parents.
“Shared parenting should be measured by how well it works for the children, not how evenly the time is divided. Long working hours, shift patterns, distance between homes or a child’s individual needs can make an equal split difficult to sustain.
“Children need consistency, stability and a routine they can rely on. There is no shame in deciding that 50:50 is not right for your family. The best arrangement is one that works in practice, with the children’s needs at its heart.”
When is shared parenting not right for children?
Although there are many benefits to shared parenting arrangements, and 50/50 custody, it is not always right for every family.
In some cases it is best for one parent to have primary care. In the past, this was called ‘child custody’ and it was often assumed that one parent would get priority for custody, and the other parent would have minimal involvement with the children after separation. This is not the case, and the best interests of the child are always prioritised, based on the Welfare Checklist, part of the 1989 Children’s Act.
Charlotte Kirkby, lawyer based in our Esher family law office, explains how shared parenting is not always the right answer
“Shared parenting can be hugely successful for many families. It allows children to maintain relationships with both parents, supporting their emotional and psychological wellbeing.
As family lawyers, we always consider a child having a relationship with both parents to be the ideal scenario, where it is safe to do so and in their best interests. However, what this looks like will vary from family to family and depend on the individual circumstances.
For example, where one parent has undertaken the majority of the day-to-day caregiving responsibilities during the relationship, an arrangement in which the child spends equal amounts of time with each parent may not necessarily be the most appropriate option following separation and a child can continue to enjoy a strong and meaningful relationship with both parents, even where their time is not divided equally between households.
Similarly, in cases where it is considered appropriate for a parent’s involvement to take place through indirect contact, such as letters, cards, emails or video calls, this can still make a valuable contribution to a child’s sense of identity, emotional wellbeing and development.”
It is a myth that ‘mum’s always get custody’. The law does not favour one parent over the other based on gender. However, in some cases, the arrangement will mean that the children predominantly live with one parent, and spend an agreed amount of time with the other parent.
This could be for several reasons:
- Safeguarding concerns around one parent
- One parent moving away – whether within the UK or abroad
- Arrangements during the marriage/relationship e.g. one parent took primary care
- Breakdown in parental communication
- Special needs of the child, e.g. a physical disability meaning equipment is needed in one house, or developmental problems
It may be the case that you as parents can decide on an alternative arrangement between yourselves. For example, if one parent moved away, they might see the children in the school holidays and have regular contact via video call. This can be arranged informally or be documented using a Parenting Plan.
Court proceedings for a Child Arrangements Order are a last resort, or to be used in cases where there is a history of, or current, abuse.
If you or your child are at immediate risk of domestic abuse, please call the police on 999 or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247
The court will always consider the situation based on its individual factors, and the wellbeing of the child will be paramount. The wishes and feelings of the children themselves can be taken into account depending on their age and understanding. In most cases, what the parents want individually is not a consideration of the court.
How do you get a shared parenting agreement?
You might have heard the term ‘shared parenting agreement’ – this is another term for a parenting plan. This document sets out all the agreements, responsibilities and arrangements you and your ex make for how you’ll look after your children now your relationship has ended. Part of this can be setting up routines, and a shared parenting schedule.
A shared parenting arrangement can be agreed informally between parents upon separation, through face-to-face discussions. As parents, you know your children better than anyone, and it is usually preferable for the decision to be kept within the family, rather than bringing in external professionals who don’t know your family as well as you do.
If you want to formalise this, you can create a Parenting Plan. This is not a legally binding document but is used by parents to officially document decisions. It can also be a way of including your children in the conversations you’re having, depending on their ages and maturity.
Download our customisable Parenting Plan to help structure your arrangements.
If you cannot agree between yourselves as to arrangements for children, the first step is to use a non-court dispute resolution (NCDR) method, such as mediation. Mediation is where a third-party trained mediator works with you and your ex to understand your blocks and reach a compromise. Some mediators are trained specifically in child-inclusive mediation, an option where your child’s wishes and feelings can be considered in your discussions.
As well as mediation, you can try collaborative family law, or negotiation through solicitors, where your lawyer will manage conversations with your ex on your behalf. When you have come to an agreement, the mediator can draw up a Memorandum of Understanding which documents your decisions. This is not a binding agreement but is formally recognised. You can also separately create a Parenting Plan together if you would like to.
As a last resort, if the other methods of decision-making fail, you may be able to make an application to the court for a Child Arrangements Order. You can only do this if you have attended a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM), or have an exemption. A court can issue a ‘joint lives with order’ which is one of the variations of a Child Arrangements Order, and legally states how much time a child spends with each parent.
Solicitor’s tip: Making an application to the court for a Child Arrangements Order can be a long winded and expensive process, and delay can be detrimental to your future co-parenting relationship and may impact your children as well. Wherever possible, we recommend NCDR which is usually quicker, cheaper, and builds better foundations for positive communication.
If you need support with getting a shared parenting arrangement, or want to know where you stand regarding 50/50 child custody, please get in touch with our specialist child arrangement lawyers.
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