There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from not knowing what to do about your marriage. You may have spent months, even years, asking yourself the same questions:
Should I stay? Should I leave? Could things get better? What about the children? The house? The finances? Our future? What if I regret leaving? What if I regret staying?
You may have made the decision to leave several times in your head, only to change your mind again. I know. I’ve been there. I call these the ‘Maybe Years’, when you find yourself swinging backwards and forwards on the pendulum of indecision.
As a divorce coach whose focus is the point of decision-making, I work with people at this crossroads. Often, moving forward feels unfamiliar and frightening, while turning back feels easier simply because it is familiar.
My role isn’t to tell someone whether they should stay or leave. It is to help them move out of the fog of fear, overwhelm and conflicting emotions so they can make a decision that is informed, considered and right for them. Because sometimes the hardest part isn’t the divorce itself. It is deciding whether to take the first step.
Why is making the decision so difficult?
We often assume that if a relationship isn’t working, the answer should be obvious. It rarely is.
A marriage isn’t simply a relationship. It can represent your home, family, financial security, identity, history, friendships, lifestyle and your vision of the future. Walking away from a relationship can feel as though you are potentially dismantling an entire life, your life and the life of your family as they know it.
There can also be competing truths:
- You can love your partner and know the relationship isn’t working
- You can want freedom and still be frightened of being alone
- You can know you aren’t happy and still question whether you have the right to leave
- You can be desperate for change and simultaneously terrified of what change might bring
These contradictions don’t mean you are incapable of deciding. They mean the decision matters and it’s just not straightforward. When the stakes feel high, our brains naturally look for certainty before acting. The problem is that certainty rarely arrives in one magical moment.
Do you really need certainty before deciding?
One of the biggest shifts I encourage clients to make is to ask themselves a different question:
“What do I need to know, understand and feel confident about before I can make a considered decision?”
This question brings together three important elements; mind, heart and inner wisdom. You may never know exactly what life will look like after separation. Nobody can give you that guarantee and life doesn’t come with a crystal ball. Yet, you can become clearer about your current reality. You can understand your options and the potential consequences of staying or leaving.
Your mind can gather information about finances , housing, children and the legal process. Speak to the appropriate professionals and understand the facts.
As for your heart, this connects with your values. The principles that matter to you, such as honesty, trust, respect, being listened to and heard. Your values can become your North Star, helping shift you from a place of fear towards growth and fulfilment.
Your inner wisdom can help you explore what is driving your desire for change. What are you really longing for, now and in the future?
This is where decision-making becomes more holistic than simply creating a pros-and-cons list.
Ashley Le-Core, divorce solicitor at our family law office in Tunbridge Wells explains:
“We often see clients who have not yet made the decision whether to stay in their marriage or to go down the route of separation. These people are looking for information: what would divorce look like? Where can I get support? What if I decide to stay in my marriage? All of these are really valid questions, and you’re not alone in this period of uncertainty.
Our role as family lawyers, alongside other professionals like divorce coaches, is to offer you the most helpful information and guidance that brings you the clarity you’re seeking. Not to persuade you either way, but so you have all the facts before you take the next step.”
Is it ok to pause before making a big life decision?
When people are overwhelmed, they often feel they need to make a huge decision immediately. Sometimes the most constructive thing you can do is pause. A pause isn’t procrastination; it’s about creating space for your logical and creative thinking to fuse and work together. Instead of repeatedly asking, “Should I divorce?”, break the question down.
Reality check
- What is actually happening in my marriage?
- What am I unhappy with?
- What have I tried to change?
- What is within my control?
- What isn’t?
Explore possibilities
- What would I need to see change for me to genuinely want to stay?
- What could my life look like if nothing changed?
- What could it look like if things did change?
Explore fear
- What am I frightened might happen if I leave?
- What am I frightened might happen if I stay?
These questions break one enormous, overwhelming decision into smaller, manageable pieces. Each answer is another piece of the jigsaw, helping you create the picture on the box, your life, your future, with your name on it.
Split the F’s: fact from fear
Fear can be incredibly persuasive. It can tell you:
“You’ll never cope financially.” “You’ll regret it.” “You’ll be alone forever.”
Fear is part of our ancient survival system. Its job is to keep us safe and, when possible, keep us in familiar territory. Unfortunately, “familiar” doesn’t always mean “healthy”.
So rather than fighting your fear, thank your inner guardian for trying to protect you, and ask it to “nip into the back seat and watch this.”
Then split the F’s: fact from fear. Here’s what I mean:
Fact: I don’t currently know what my financial position would be following separation.
Fear: I won’t be able to manage financially.
The answer isn’t to ignore the fear. It is to gather information, seek appropriate financial and legal advice, and explore your practical options. Information doesn’t necessarily make the decision for you. Yet, it can turn an unknown into something you can work with.
How can looking at both sides bring more clarity?
When we’re unhappy, it is tempting to focus entirely on the pain of staying. Equally, when we’re frightened of divorce, we can focus entirely on everything we might lose by leaving. Neither is right or wrong and neither gives us the complete picture. I encourage clients to consider both paths honestly by using these two questions:
If I stay, what might I gain? What might I lose?
If I leave, what might I gain? What might I lose?
Then ask the question that can cut through the fear:
“What would need to change for staying to become a genuinely positive choice, rather than simply the safer choice?”
Take notice of the Goop: good opinions of other people
When you’re making a life-changing decision, everyone may have an opinion about your marriage. I call it the BMW Opinion Board.
B: B****
“I told you your partner was never good enough for you. You should have left years ago.”
M: Moan
“I can’t believe you’re still putting up with this. How much more are you going to take?”
W: Whinge
“But what about the children? What about the house? What about everything you’ve built together?”
Friends, family, children and even professionals may all have perspectives. Some may be incredibly valuable. Yet, ultimately, you have to live the life created by the decision. It’s interesting to listen to other people’s perspectives, but don’t confuse their opinions with your own inner wisdom or knowing. You do this by acknowledging the Goop and yet turn down the volume of everyone else’s voice, and then what do you hear?
A decision doesn’t mean the fear disappears
This is perhaps the most important thing I have learned from working with hundreds of clients at this crossroads. Deciding doesn’t necessarily mean you suddenly feel confident, excited and completely certain. Sometimes you make the decision while still feeling frightened, sad, relieved or in the realm of grief.
Equally, you can know something is right for you and still have moments when you question it. These emotions don’t automatically mean you’ve made the wrong decision. Sometimes courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s deciding what you are going to do despite the fear.
How can you move from “Maybe” to “I know what I’m going to do”?
The journey from indecision to decision isn’t usually one giant leap. It is a series of smaller steps:
Pause. Give yourself space to think.
Gather information. Understand the practical, financial and legal realities.
Explore your options. Remember there may be more than two choices.
Separate fact from fear. Don’t let an unknown become a certainty simply because you’re frightened.
Reconnect with yourself. What do you want your life to look and feel like? What values do you want to live by?
Then decide:
Not because someone else has told you what to do, not because you have eliminated every possible risk. But because you have thought, explored, gathered information and developed enough self-trust to take the next step.
That next step doesn’t necessarily have to be divorce. It might be having an honest conversation with your partner. It might be putting boundaries in place to protect your wellbeing. It might be seeking professional advice. It might be deciding to stay and genuinely work on the relationship. Or it might be deciding to leave.
The important thing is that it becomes your decision because living on the pendulum of indecision is exhausting. It can make you feel vulnerable and create even more uncertainty. The goal isn’t to find a decision that feels easy. It is to find holistic clarity, and a decision that puts you firmly back in the driving seat of your own life.
If you’d like support in finding clarity, our experienced divorce solicitors can help. Get in touch for a confidential conversation about your options, without an agenda.
More about Jennie Sutton
Jennie is an award-winning divorce coach, specialising in working with women facing the complexities of separation and divorce. Jennie draws on her own experience of ending a 30-year marriage, and founded Untying the Knot. She is a Master Practitioner in Divorce and Domestic Abuse Coaching, a financial mindset coach and a professional McKenzie Friend. You can contact Jennie directly via email [email protected] or reach her via social media:
LinkedIn: jennie-sutton-divorce-coach
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