What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It is a condition that makes the person have an obsessive focus on themselves. They will often present a very different image to the outside world than the reality of their personality at home.
If you’re unsure about your spouse’s behaviour, check out our latest advice 7 signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.
How to divorce a narcissist: 5 steps to follow
1) Begin financial preparation
When you can, we recommend making copies of your essential documents, such as bank statements, tax returns, property deeds, and mortgage details. Within divorce proceedings, you both have a duty of full and frank financial disclosure, which basically means that you both need to be clear on what assets are available for division between you. This is crucial preparation for your Form E financial disclosure. We recommend that you keep these with a trusted family member or in an online vault.
It’s essential to act normally whilst this is happening, to prevent any further emotional bullying from your partner, coercive control, or financial abuse. However, it is important that you do not take or copy any documents belonging to your partner.
2) Confide in a friend or family member
Once you know you want to leave your partner and are taking the steps to have everything you need to physically leave, we recommend confiding in trusted friends or family members.
Narcissists are very good at hiding and masking their behaviour, which means that your disclosures may come as a shock to those you tell. But know that they love, care, and worry for you.
If possible, ask if you can keep document copies with them and maybe even devise a plan to move in with them once you leave your spouse.
3) Get the right legal team in your corner
Having a lawyer who knows how best to work with a victim of narcissistic abuse during a divorce is essential. When choosing a divorce solicitor, we recommend looking for lawyers who have experience dealing with perpetrators of abuse, specifically narcissistic abuse, as this can show up very differently.
Here at Stowe Family Law, we’ve been guiding clients across the UK with their divorce for more than 50 years. Our solicitors have been recognised by Legal 500 and Chambers & Partners for their expertise and dedication to client care.
If you want a dedicated team of domestic abuse solicitors by your side, get in touch with our experts today.
4) Document everything that happens
When you have experienced narcissistic abuse, your sense of reality can be twisted. The narcissist will often make you doubt what you know and leave you feeling confused.
This is why it is important to document everything that goes on. Not only is this useful to have for your divorce and negotiations, but also for you to look back on to know what the truth is. This will help you begin to trust yourself again and move forward with life, confidently.
5) Expect the process to be difficult
If you have tried to leave a narcissist before, you will know that your partner will try everything and anything to get you to come back. Therefore, you should expect emotional manipulation to occur when divorcing a narcissist.
It’s important to expect this behaviour, so that you are less tempted to reconcile your relationship. You can always communicate via your lawyer, or if you have children, use specific apps like Talking Parents, to strictly discuss arrangements.
We understand that this will be difficult and you will experience feelings of guilt for leaving them, but know that this is the best decision for you and your family.
How to get through a divorce with a narcissist
Divorcing a narcissist can bring a whole new level of emotional manipulation and coercive control, which can heavily impact you. These tips are here to help you practically and emotionally:
- Go to low or no contact with your spouse: Narcissists often look for a reaction, and if you give it to them, they win because it maintains their narcissistic supply. Therefore, we recommend going no contact, or if that’s not possible, low contact with them to prevent this from happening. If you do have direct contact with your spouse, keep it factual
- Prepare for a smear campaign against you: When a narcissist loses their control over you, they will move to controlling how other people in your life see you. With this in mind, they may lie to your friends, family, or even the people you work with
- Practice the grey rock method: The grey rock method is when you become as boring, uninteresting, and unresponsive as a literal grey rock when they try to bait you
- Seek therapy or support: Speaking to a professional therapist about what you have gone through can help you move past it. It’s best to seek out a qualified therapist who specialises in narcissistic abuse, so you know they will understand what you are going through
- Protect your finances: When narcissists feel like they’re losing you, they often turn to money as a tool for control and punishment. For example, they may try to cut off your access to funds. Therefore, we recommend setting up your own accounts and checking your credit score to protect your finances and wealth
- Anticipate love-bombing: Sometimes, when a narcissist realises their tactics aren’t working, they will suddenly shift gears and try to win you back. From sniffling apologies or grand gestures, just remember this isn’t who they truly are
If you’re looking for tips on ways to cope when separating from a narcissist, check out our latest advice.
What challenges can come with divorcing a narcissist?
Ending your marriage with a narcissist is often drawn out and complex, as the narcissist’s main goal is control and winning. The main challenges of divorcing a narcissist are:
1) Stalling tactics
Narcissists will typically use the legal system as a way to extend how long it takes to get divorced. They do this through switching solicitors, refusing to sign or complete files, and purposefully withholding information. This can make the process of getting a divorce more expensive, with the aim to drain your funds, so you have to ‘give up’ the divorce or agree to terms you don’t want.
This way, they still have a connection to you and can make you feel angry, upset, and stressed, which is what they thrive on.
2) Severe gaslighting
One of a narcissist’s top tactics is to make you believe that what you know isn’t true. They will gaslight you to make you question what actually happened. If your case goes to court, they may also lie under oath, positioning you as the one who did wrong.
Under UK law, this pattern of manipulation, gaslighting, and isolation is legally recognised as coercive and controlling behaviour under the Domestic Abuse Act. The courts are trained to look past the charm and only make decisions based on facts.
3) Complex child arrangements battles
If you have children with your ex-spouse, a narcissist may view them as a way to ‘win’ the divorce. They may use the children to upset you or badmouth you in front of them, in order to negatively impact their relationship with you.
Solicitor’s tip: The court will always put the needs of the children as a priority, so you can be sure their wellbeing will be taken into account.
4) Deliberate financial issues
Money means control and power to a narcissist. Therefore, your ex-partner may go to extremes to ensure you get as little as possible in your financial settlement. They may hide assets, transfer finances to friends and family, or purposefully reduce their income during the process.
This can hold up the completion of your settlement, which can further delay the finalisation of your divorce.
5) Emotional exhaustion
The longer your ex drags out the divorce process, the longer you have to deal with their constant manipulation, lies, and continued abuse. This can have a huge impact on you emotionally and even physically, as feelings of stress, guilt, and worry weigh you down. Seek professional support and get a team of trusted friends and family around you to help you.
What happens if a narcissist won’t divorce you?
If a narcissist is refusing to divorce you, it’s important to understand that they cannot legally stop a divorce – they can only delay it. The introduction of no-fault divorce in 2022 has prevented anyone from denying a divorce application.
We understand that their refusal to cooperate may leave you feeling trapped, but there are things you can do to ensure your divorce happens:
- Apply for Deemed Service: If your spouse refuses to acknowledge the divorce application and further papers, your solicitor can use court bailiffs or apply for Deemed Service to prove to the court that they have received the documents. This allows the divorce to move forward without their signature
- The mandatory 20-week reflection period still applies: Under UK law, the mandatory 20-week reflection period keeps ticking down once the application is issued. Their refusal to comply cannot stop this
- Apply for a Financial Remedy Order: If they try to stall the process by hiding assets or refusing to negotiate, you can apply for a court-mandated Financial Remedy Order. This forces them to legally disclose their finances or face severe court punishment
If you need legal advice on this, reach out to our team to find out more.
How to negotiate a divorce settlement with a narcissist
Negotiating with a narcissist is completely different from standard financial settlement negotiations. This is driven by their constant need to win, which means that standard negotiating tactics rarely work.
Liza Gatrell, Team Leader Partner at our family law office in Camberley, says:
“Where a separation involves a person with narcissistic traits, within the divorce proceedings, ex-partners may experience attempts to delay proceedings, control communication and/ or increased emotional pressure.
“My advice is always to keep communication to a minimum, use solicitors and family mediators where appropriate and ensure that full and frank disclosure is properly obtained.”
To secure a fair financial settlement when dealing with a narcissistic spouse, we recommend these strategies:
- Conducting all negotiations as written correspondence via your solicitor, this also means there is a paper trail
- Present facts and data, rather than discussing emotions
- Create a buffer in your negotiated price, as they will likely reject your first offer. By working this into your amount, you are more likely to agree to what you actually want, with them still believing they have ‘won’
- Ask them to complete a Form E – if they lie on this document, there are court penalties
- Give your ex-spouse hard deadlines to meet and clearly state what will happen if they miss this. Make sure you follow through with this immediately
Does narcissism impact child arrangement orders?
Yes, a narcissistic parent can impact how child arrangement orders are agreed upon. Under UK law, the courts will always prioritise the welfare of the children. You will need to provide evidence of how negative behavioural patterns demonstrated by your ex could be damaging your children. However, it is usually not a good idea to tell the court your ex is a narcissist unless they have been formally diagnosed. It is best to present the evidence.
The court typically views it best for children to have both parents in their lives. However, if your ex-spouse is someone who manipulates or speaks badly to you or your children, they will put measures in place to smooth the process. For example:
- A detailed child arrangements order that removes any flexibility or interpretation of handover times, phone contact with each parent, and holiday allowance
- Supervised handovers to prevent your ex-partner from manipulating or verbally abusing you during this time
- An appointed member of CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) will assess the family and spot alienating behaviours
Solicitor’s tip: Keep a log that describes the actions of your spouse and shows the impact this had on the whole family. The court heavily relies on detailed data rather than verbal speculation.
Will divorce mediation help when divorcing a narcissist?
Typically, mediation does not help the process of divorcing a narcissist. Mediation can help couples separate when both parties are completely honest about assets and are willing to compromise when negotiating. More often than not, a narcissist is not willing to do these things.
Under UK law, you are typically required to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) before taking any financial settlements or child arrangements to court. However, in certain circumstances, you may be able to claim a MIAM exemption that allows you to go straight to court. This is only granted when:
- You have evidence that you have experienced domestic abuse or coercive control – this could be a police report, non-molestation order, or a letter from a domestic abuse support service
- If your ex refuses to attend your scheduled MIAM, the mediator will sign a form stating that mediation is unsuitable for your case, which allows your solicitor to issue court proceedings
- After your initial session, if your mediator declares that continuing mediation is unsafe or inappropriate for your case, they will sign a letter that allows you to proceed to court
Can you have an amicable divorce with a narcissist?
An amicable divorce is more difficult with a narcissist, as they constantly cause drama and often refuse to compromise in negotiations.
We understand that this can be disappointing, especially if you are hoping to conclude your divorce quickly and cheaply. It may not be as fast as you’d hope, but having a strong legal team in your corner can make divorcing a narcissist that bit easier.
We recommend that our clients aim for a highly structured, low-contact divorce. By shifting your communication to written co-parenting apps, using your legal team as a buffer, and relying on court-mandated timelines, you can protect your future without engaging with them.
If you’re dealing with a non-cooperative spouse and looking for specialist legal advice, get in touch with us or call 0330 159 9819 to find out more.
